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Mina
Mina, Clinical Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
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Experience:  Working as a Highly Specialist Clinical Psychologist in NHS. Experience in both children and adults
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I have been dating a man for the past five months, he was loving,

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I have been dating a man for the past five months, he was loving, intense, caring and seemed to be the most amazing man. At christmas he had an episode where he ignored me for 3 days, wouldnt answer my calls and avoided me completely and then reappeared as if nothing had happended. A week ago we slowly started to move in together and his behaviour became bizarre, he was agitated, arguementative, critical of my every move and I aksed if perhaps we should wait another six months, He agreed and I took my things back home. Since then he has has completely split me from existance, has not called, refused to answer my calls and offers no explanation. Over the past 5 months I am aware that he has been binge eating, drinking excessively and suffering from depression and anxiety, with occasional angry outbursts. I stood by him as I didnt understand and tried to help him. He blamed me for his drinking and said he was anxious due to how close we were becoming. I am completely confused, hurting badly as he has just split me from existance. I suspect he may have borderline personality disorder. He was raised in a jehovah witness family and fled that life at the age of 20, he has been completely abandoned by his family. please help??
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Mina replied 3 years ago.

Hello and thank you for contacting us.

 

I am sorry to hear about this situation. I can understand how confusing, hurtful and frustrating this must be. The truth is that you can't possibly know what lies behind this behavior of his. From your description there is nothing to indicate that you have contributed to this situation in any way. His distant but also bizarre as you said behavior could be due to a fear that he has for forming attachments and therefore commitments with other people. This could be due to a personality disorder or a past trauma or pathological early relationships or even current circumstances that you are not aware of. The other behaviors that you mentioned, the binge eating, alcohol, depression and anxiety are indeed concerning and something that you should definitely take in to account. Although it is possible that you have already developed strong feelings for him and you understandably could be perceiving his behavior as a rejection which hurts you, I believe that you need to seriously think if you are prepared to stand by him and try to "save" him. He appears to have serious issues that he could only address in personal therapy. If he accepts to engage in therapy then again you would need to think if you would like to support him in this effort or not. In he does not accept to engage in therapy, then you will need to be able to take the responsibility for being involved in a dysfunctional relationship and you need to understand the emotional cost on you, taking into account the possible ongoing disappointments and frustration.

 

I hope this helps

 

Please feel free to share any feedback on these thoughts

 

All the best

 

Mina

Mina, Clinical Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 188
Experience: Working as a Highly Specialist Clinical Psychologist in NHS. Experience in both children and adults
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