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Luann
Luann, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 158
Experience:  Licensed Psychologist, 24 years experience working with children, adolescents, families and adults.
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Hi! I am pregnant in the 8th month, and my husband thinks it

Customer Question

Hi! I am pregnant in the 8th month, and my husband thinks it may not be his child because he's convinced I cheated on him. I let him see all my bank account statements, he has my old cell phone, I don't have any friends, and I am mostly at home. I tried to prove to him that I never cheated to no prevail. He agreed to marriage counseling. Our fights escalate, he intimidates me physically, has twisted my arm, broke the lock of the door to the bedroom where I locked myself in. I have no family in the U.S., and I have no friends to confine myself to. How do I deal with this situation until we get counseling?
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Luann replied 3 years ago.

Luann :

Hello

Customer:

Hi! Thanks for taking the time.

Luann :

You have certainly "tried" more than most. You are right to be concerned about your husband's behavior. I am concerned for you and your safety.

Luann :

It is common for men who tend to be abusive to become more contolling and abusive during a pregnancy.

Luann :

I strongly encourage you to let your ob/gyn know about this situation. It will be important for him/her to know in order to provide the best care for you and the baby. They will also know about emergency resources if you need them.

Customer:

I wish I knew what I am doing wrong. I understand that the stress of a pregnancy can impact mine and my husband's behavior greatly. I just never thought that he would do that for his child's sake.

Customer:

I already did.

Luann :

I am pretty sure that you are not doing anything wrong. Please stop blaming yourself for something you have not done. Your husband needs to take responsibility for his feelings, thoughts and actions and you need to hold him accountable. I strongly recommend that you get in touch with a program for women who are in abusive relationships or who have been assaulted. You can usually find these programs under "assault victims" or "domestic abuse" in the yellow pages. Talking to an advocate is usually free and they can give you support and let you know what your options are.

Customer:

I told him to take responsibility. I am not at fault for his behavior. But I am no angel myself, I get angry, loud, sarcastic... Also, I am too embarrassed to ask domestic abuse centers. I am a reservist soldier, going to marriage counseling can have a bad impact on my status as a full-time student.

Customer:

I am considering to go to counseling for myself in addition of the marriage counseling. He drinks every night, between 2-6 beers and a few hard liquor shots. On the weekend he gets at least once really drunk. That's when usually our fights get the worst. I dread the weekends because of this. I can't never tell if he's totally wasted or if he's sober. He says the most aweful things to me, like that I get paid to have sex. How do I get out of these fights?

Luann :

You may have to get away from him, a different room or leave completely when he is drunk. There is no reasoning with a drunk person. I encourage you to try Alanon. You will get support and guidance. Individual counseling would be very helpful for you too. You need all the support you can get right now. I am alittle concerned about you participating in marriage counseling. Unless he is acknowledging his abusive behavior, it could be unsafe for you.

Customer:

Honestly, my brain already knows what you are telling me. I already know. I don't know why I can't get myself to follow through with it. Fact is, that I am bound to stay for now. I have no resources available I can think of. I am committed to my marriage- which is by the way my third. I feel guilty that my poor daughter would have to change schools again. I guess I mainly want to know why he's so jealous, and if there is anything I can do to make the situation bearable til next week's initial counseling. Cam I difuse the situation somehow?

Luann :

You can not control his behavior, but you can try to not argue back or get upset. Try not to talk or discuss things when he is drinking. Change the subject if you can. Work on not blaming yourself. Remember that you are not to blame and don't let him make you feel crazy.Detach.

Customer:

I will try. Thanks for your help.

Luann, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 158
Experience: Licensed Psychologist, 24 years experience working with children, adolescents, families and adults.
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