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TherapistMarryAnn, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5785
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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My husband always has to be either playing softball, working

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My husband always has to be either playing softball, working late or spending endless hours (sometime all night) working in our garage... He may spend one or two evenings a week with me... We have been married 22 years. I know that he did not have a real good childhood and that explains him wanting to relive the sports experiences. His mom recently passed and during her sickness which began in sept. 2010, is when the sleepless nights began... I feel all alone and depressed.. He says no one will tell him what to do... I'm I wrong to want my husband in bed with me at night? I don't sleep well unless he is there... Please help...

Hi, I'd like to help you with your question.


It sounds like your husband is avoiding his feelings about his childhood and about his mother's illness and death. He may have learned defenses from his childhood and continues to use them now, even though what happened to him as a child is no longer happening.


When someone misses something in their childhood, like sports, they can incorporate them into their lives when they are an adult. However, they do not do this in exclusion of the important relationships in their lives. That and the fact that your husband says "no one will tell me what to do" tells me that he is still dealing with childhood issues.


Talk with him about therapy. From what you have said so far, it does not sound like he would be willing, but it is worth a try. At least introducing the idea is a good start. Mention that you care about him, and you miss him being with you. See if he will tell you why he doesn't come to bed at night and if there is anything you can do to help.


If he refuses therapy, then go yourself. You need a chance to work this out and also the support of therapy can help you learn to cope and give you someone to help you deal with your husband's behavior. Sometimes it is very hard to understand someone else's motivations and therapy can help you understand your husband, and yourself, better.


You can find a therapist through a referral from your doctor, or if you attend church, talk with your pastor. You can also find a therapist on line at


I hope this has helped you,


TherapistMarryAnn and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Dear Kate; the sleep patterns have gotten exceedingly worse. My husband will be up to 3 or 4a each night. He has became very thin. Some nights I smell alcohol and his smoking is excessive. I threatened to leave (as a wake-up call) which only causing me shame and him anger. This morning the alarm went off and he did not respond. When he finally acknowledged the clock he knocked things from the nightstand and was behaving as if he was in a drunken state. I felt as if he was laughing at me for being upset. I told him that something was wrong with him and that he needed help, but it was if it is a joke to him. I'm at my wits end. I love this man with all that heart and i just don't get it.... Please help...

Thank you for requesting my help.


It sounds like your husband is using alcohol as a way to dull the pain of whatever he is feeling. I am also concerned about the weight loss. Drinking instead of eating will cause some weight loss so this might be the cause but he should also been seen by his doctor just to be sure.


There is nothing wrong with you being upset about your husband's behavior. Actually, I would be more concerned if you were not upset. You have a right to understand what is happening with him and to try to help. In a marriage, each partner should put the other one first and right now your husband is not doing that with you. He is putting himself and his needs ahead of you and your concerns for him. He should be addressing this problem and seeking help for himself.


Since it does not appear your husband will seek help, it is up to you to decide how you want to respond. Here are some steps you can try:


Encourage him to see his doctor


Contact his doctor to let him/her know what is happening and ask for advice


See a therapist yourself and encourage your husband to go with you


Consider a separation


You can also get more information on how to handle your husband's drinking through this link:


Here are some other resources that can help:


Marriage On The Rocks: Learning to Live with Yourself and an Alcoholic by Janet Geringer Woititz


Get Your Loved One Sober: Alternatives to Nagging, Pleading, and Threatening. by Robert J. Meyers Ph. D. and Brenda L. Wolfe Ph.D


You can find these books on or your local library may have them for you.


It is understandable that you want to be there for your husband. But until he sees that he needs help, he will most likely continue on this path. So it is important for you to get as much support as possible for yourself. Family, friends, support groups, medical and mental health professionals are all good sources. Whatever you can do to help yourself through this tough time.



Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Hi Kate;
Tuesday was the first time that he did not get up and get to work on time. After work tuesday he took me to dinner and he asked when we got home if I would come outside with him to replace his brakes (he ended up coming to bed around 1a). Weds. he called and said he was be late and got home around midnight. Thursday he texted and wanted to take me to dinner again, however he ended up not making it and called and told me I should go ahead and order (he was not hungry). This was another allnighter night and he had a doctors appt. that he did not get up for on Friday and another late for work day... Friday night he came to bed with me and got up after he thought i was asleep. I'm not sure what time he can in that night (as I was exhausted) and then he stayed in bed all day Saturday... Late afternoon we went to run some errands and had plans to go boating today... However I went out in the garage this morning around 330a and he was working on the boat and drinking wine... I refused to go boating this morning and he went without me... He says I give him curfews and hung up on me and I cried all day. Tonight he got home and came in as if nothing happen and kissed me... I'm I crazy and is the extreme behavior?

It does sound like his behavior is getting out of control. If he is not going to work, attending to appointments, or keeping his dates with you then something is wrong.


We had talked about his alcohol use last time- were you able to talk with his doctor or use any of the other suggestions? If you tried and they were not successful, then that tells you he probably has no intention of dealing with it.


Have you tried the therapy yourself? If not, make an appointment as soon as you can. You need help in deciding how to best handle this. If you decide to stay, you will need to find ways to cope with your husband's behavior. If you decide to leave, you will need the support.


There is nothing wrong with expecting your husband to do the basics when it comes to going to work and keeping his appointments. You have rights in the marriage as well and expecting him to hold up his end is one of them.




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