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Hi, I'd like to help you with your question.
It sounds like your husband is avoiding his feelings about his childhood and about his mother's illness and death. He may have learned defenses from his childhood and continues to use them now, even though what happened to him as a child is no longer happening.
When someone misses something in their childhood, like sports, they can incorporate them into their lives when they are an adult. However, they do not do this in exclusion of the important relationships in their lives. That and the fact that your husband says "no one will tell me what to do" tells me that he is still dealing with childhood issues.
Talk with him about therapy. From what you have said so far, it does not sound like he would be willing, but it is worth a try. At least introducing the idea is a good start. Mention that you care about him, and you miss him being with you. See if he will tell you why he doesn't come to bed at night and if there is anything you can do to help.
If he refuses therapy, then go yourself. You need a chance to work this out and also the support of therapy can help you learn to cope and give you someone to help you deal with your husband's behavior. Sometimes it is very hard to understand someone else's motivations and therapy can help you understand your husband, and yourself, better.
You can find a therapist through a referral from your doctor, or if you attend church, talk with your pastor. You can also find a therapist on line at http://therapists.psychologytoday.com/rms/.
I hope this has helped you,
Thank you for requesting my help.
It sounds like your husband is using alcohol as a way to dull the pain of whatever he is feeling. I am also concerned about the weight loss. Drinking instead of eating will cause some weight loss so this might be the cause but he should also been seen by his doctor just to be sure.
There is nothing wrong with you being upset about your husband's behavior. Actually, I would be more concerned if you were not upset. You have a right to understand what is happening with him and to try to help. In a marriage, each partner should put the other one first and right now your husband is not doing that with you. He is putting himself and his needs ahead of you and your concerns for him. He should be addressing this problem and seeking help for himself.
Since it does not appear your husband will seek help, it is up to you to decide how you want to respond. Here are some steps you can try:
Encourage him to see his doctor
Contact his doctor to let him/her know what is happening and ask for advice
See a therapist yourself and encourage your husband to go with you
Consider a separation
You can also get more information on how to handle your husband's drinking through this link:
Here are some other resources that can help:
Marriage On The Rocks: Learning to Live with Yourself and an Alcoholic by Janet Geringer Woititz
Get Your Loved One Sober: Alternatives to Nagging, Pleading, and Threatening. by Robert J. Meyers Ph. D. and Brenda L. Wolfe Ph.D
You can find these books on Amazon.com or your local library may have them for you.
It is understandable that you want to be there for your husband. But until he sees that he needs help, he will most likely continue on this path. So it is important for you to get as much support as possible for yourself. Family, friends, support groups, medical and mental health professionals are all good sources. Whatever you can do to help yourself through this tough time.
It does sound like his behavior is getting out of control. If he is not going to work, attending to appointments, or keeping his dates with you then something is wrong.
We had talked about his alcohol use last time- were you able to talk with his doctor or use any of the other suggestions? If you tried and they were not successful, then that tells you he probably has no intention of dealing with it.
Have you tried the therapy yourself? If not, make an appointment as soon as you can. You need help in deciding how to best handle this. If you decide to stay, you will need to find ways to cope with your husband's behavior. If you decide to leave, you will need the support.
There is nothing wrong with expecting your husband to do the basics when it comes to going to work and keeping his appointments. You have rights in the marriage as well and expecting him to hold up his end is one of them.
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