How JustAnswer Works:

  • Ask an Expert
    Experts are full of valuable knowledge and are ready to help with any question. Credentials confirmed by a Fortune 500 verification firm.
  • Get a Professional Answer
    Via email, text message, or notification as you wait on our site.
    Ask follow up questions if you need to.
  • 100% Satisfaction Guarantee
    Rate the answer you receive.

Ask Arundhati Your Own Question

Arundhati
Arundhati, Counselor & Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 256
Experience:  Licensed psychotherapist, Published Wellness Author
41101243
Type Your Mental Health Question Here...
Arundhati is online now
A new question is answered every 9 seconds

My husband and I live in a small community of a nice size city

Resolved Question:

My husband and I live in a small community of a nice size city He owns and we both operate a wine bar in walking distance from our home. We have been married for 7 years. When he purchased the business, he was an avid marathon runner. He injured his back a few years ago and is longer able to run. Since then, he has been drinking most of the day. Instead of coffee in the morning, he has a glass of wine and continues to drink all day. When we first met, he drank wine, but nothing like this. We used to be well off financially. We have a very nice home, country club membership (which we might have to let go, even though his family and he has been members his entire life), used to have a vacation home, used to have stock and bonds. I think you know where I am going with this. Because of his drinking, he has made poor choices with our finances. I use to play a small part in the everyday operation of the wine bar. I am slowly taking over much of his responsibilies because I do not trust his judgement. I've read many blogs and articles on living with an alcoholic but I haven't seen anything about how to WORK and live with one. I feel like a babysitter. Our employees and musicians come to me now and it upsets him and he starts to pick on them because of our new relationship. He owns the bar and the liquor license which scares all of us because we are afraid of our livelyhood. When ever I talk to him about his drinking, he says he wants to get a job and sell the bar. That would be great but, he is 57 years old and has not worked for 12 years. He has sold so many things lately to pay the business's bills. I'm afraid he will sell the business and then sit home and drink all day until we have to sell the house to pay for alcohol. My children think I should leave him. He has maxed out all of his credit cards plus mine. I had to take his name off of mine. Everytime he walks out the door, I cringe and worry about what he is going to do next. He is out of control. I feel so unloved and sad. I know it is not my fault he is drinking and I know the loss of his running is not the cause of his drinking. His sons told me he is bipolar. They also told me that his dad at the same age was committed to a psych floor of a hospital for about a year with the same symptoms. His brother told me he has ADHD and drinks to clear his head. I'm sorry, I could go on and on. I have made his problem my problem. I feel stuck. I have no friends that I can talk to about him. No money to go see a psychologist. I tried to sneek out to a Al-Anon meeting. Oh, I forgot to mention that I am not allowed to go anywhere without him. I get accused of having an affair. I have gained about 30 pounds last year because of stress. Can you recommend any books or real life stories I can read and get some inspiration and guidance?
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Arundhati replied 3 years ago.
Hi there,

Thank you for writing in to Just Answer.

I'm so sorry to hear about your situation. It is certainly not an easy one.

From what you describe it sounds like you really have to start putting aside some savings so that if things get worse you can separate from him and live independently. Are you currently getting a salary for your work at the bar? If not, I would recommend that you insist on one which you can put aside as your savings. Since it doesn't sound like your husband is open to seeking professional help, I would also recommend that you expect the worse and look for jobs for yourself. It is clear that if the situation does not improve you will need to move out of this relationship as it can become stressful to the point of damaging your self-esteem and impairing your functioning.

You can consider joining a support group (if you are able to step out of the house without him) - for the spouses/partners of alcoholics. Also, often universities that offer counseling degrees will have clinics where doctoral students will offer very affordable counseling so if there's a university that offers a counseling degree in your town you can contact them about free or reduced fee counseling for yourself as I think that will be very helpful to you.

You can also try to talk to your husband about acknowledging that he has a problem and then seeking help for it, and if possible you can lay down some ultimatums that if he doesn't seek help you will consider ending the relationship.

In terms of books/resources - here is a book that I think you will find useful.

I hope you have been able to provide some direction. Please do let me know if you have questions/thoughts.

Warm regards,

Arundhati
Arundhati, Counselor & Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 256
Experience: Licensed psychotherapist, Published Wellness Author
Arundhati and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you

JustAnswer in the News:

 
 
 
Ask-a-doc Web sites: If you've got a quick question, you can try to get an answer from sites that say they have various specialists on hand to give quick answers... Justanswer.com.
JustAnswer.com...has seen a spike since October in legal questions from readers about layoffs, unemployment and severance.
Web sites like justanswer.com/legal
...leave nothing to chance.
Traffic on JustAnswer rose 14 percent...and had nearly 400,000 page views in 30 days...inquiries related to stress, high blood pressure, drinking and heart pain jumped 33 percent.
Tory Johnson, GMA Workplace Contributor, discusses work-from-home jobs, such as JustAnswer in which verified Experts answer people’s questions.
I will tell you that...the things you have to go through to be an Expert are quite rigorous.
 
 
 

What Customers are Saying:

 
 
 
  • I can go as far as to say it could have resulted in saving my sons life and our entire family now knows what bipolar is and how to assist and understand my most wonderful son, brother and friend to all who loves him dearly. Thank you very much Corrie Moll Pretoria, South Africa
< Last | Next >
  • I can go as far as to say it could have resulted in saving my sons life and our entire family now knows what bipolar is and how to assist and understand my most wonderful son, brother and friend to all who loves him dearly. Thank you very much Corrie Moll Pretoria, South Africa
  • I thank-you so much! It really helped to have this information and confirmation. We will watch her carefully and get her in for the examination and US right away if things do not improve. God bless you as well! Claudia Albuquerque, NM
  • Outstanding response time less than 6 minutes. Answered the question professionally and with a great deal of compassion. Kevin Beaverton, OR
  • Suggested diagnosis was what I hoped and will take this info to my doctor's appointment next week.
    I feel better already! Thank you.
    Elanor Tracy, CA
  • Thank you to the Physician who answered my question today. The answer was far more informative than what I got from the Physicians I saw in person for my problem. Julie Lockesburg, AR
  • You have been more help than you know. I seriously don't know what my sisters situation would be today if you had not gone above and beyond just answering my questions. John and Stefanie Tucson, AZ
  • I have been dealing with an extremely serious health crisis for over three years, and one your physicians asked me more questions, gave me more answers and encouragement than a dozen different doctors who have been treating me!! Janet V Phoenix, AZ
 
 
 

Meet The Experts:

 
 
 
  • Dr. Keane

    Therapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1262
    Clinical Psychology PhD, Licensed Professional Counselor with experience in marriage/family, teens and child psychology.
< Last | Next >
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/DR/Dr.Keane/2013-8-20_204325_drkeane.64x64.jpg Dr. Keane's Avatar

    Dr. Keane

    Therapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1262
    Clinical Psychology PhD, Licensed Professional Counselor with experience in marriage/family, teens and child psychology.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/RE/resolutions66/2011-1-17_05728_IMG8202smilingeditedforJustAnswer.64x64.jpg Elliott, LPCC, NCC's Avatar

    Elliott, LPCC, NCC

    Psychotherapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    5024
    35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/formybunch/2010-12-06_191055_img_0975.jpg Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC's Avatar

    Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC

    Therapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    3733
    Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/DR/DrAkiraOlsen/2012-2-20_746_AkiraADpicmain.64x64.jpg Dr. Olsen's Avatar

    Dr. Olsen

    Psychologist

    Satisfied Customers:

    2336
    PsyD Psychologist
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/norriem/2009-5-27_134249_nm.jpg Norman M.'s Avatar

    Norman M.

    Psychotherapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    2193
    UK trained in hypnotherapy, counselling and psychotherapy and have been in private practice. ADHP(NC), DEHP(NC), UKCP Registered and ECP.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/PsychologyProf/2010-07-15_171248_logos060400409.jpg Dr. Michael's Avatar

    Dr. Michael

    Psychologist

    Satisfied Customers:

    2177
    Licensed Ph.D. Clinical Health Psychology with 30 years of experience in private practive and as a clinical psychology university professor.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/KURTEMMERLING/2010-07-23_215531_just_ask_picture1.jpg Steven Olsen's Avatar

    Steven Olsen

    Therapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1727
    More than twenty years of expertise in counseling, psychological diagnosis and education
 
 
 
Chat Now With A Mental Health Professional
Arundhati
Arundhati
Practicing Psychotherapist
256 Satisfied Customers
Licensed psychotherapist, Published Wellness Author