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Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5559
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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I am part of a group of close friends in their 50s and 60s

Customer Question

I am part of a group of close friends in their 50's and 60's who meet once a month for lunch. I own a horse trailer and repair shop business and give special deals only to my lunch friends. We all have horses. One friend took advantage of me in a very hurtful and big way, she also owes me money that she hasn't paid. I ended our friendship over this because it involved a betrayal of information with a former business partner that embezzled from us and have to sue in court. 2 of our lunch friends know the situation and agree she did a horrible thing for the wrong reasons (money). I was appalled when she was at our New Years eve party and I wasn't told she would be there. Am I wrong to expect loyalty from my two friends in this? I feel very hurt and I guess I want to feel like they value their friendship with me more than with her because I am the victim. All I want is for them to tell her she is wrong and needs to apologize. I want a show of loyalty, but I haven't asked for it. I haven't brought it up since the party a month ago...the host did tell me she didn't know what to do, so she invited both of us...I did tell her I thought she shouldn't have done that.  I want to know how they can still want to be friends with someone who sould betray me so bad?  I am having trouble letting this go in my mind, and it causes me to lose sleep and cry when I think about it, and I'm not normally like that.  Should I let it go or say something to them that I still feel hurt over this?  Thank you,  Cindy
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 3 years ago.

Hi, I'd like to help you with your question.

 

I am sorry this has happened to you. It is understandable that you want your friends to stand behind you. You were hurt and they need to understand. However, this may be asking a lot from them. They do not feel the same way about this person and therefore do not feel the same sense of betrayal and hurt.

 

You have a couple of options here. You can talk with your two friends about how you feel about what happened to you. Expecting them to act against this person without knowing how you feel is unfair. You should tell them that this person hurt you and that you feel uncomfortable at best being in a room with her. Then let them make the decision on how they want to handle it.

 

Two, you can end your friendships with your two friends. This would not be an ideal option, but you should consider it only because it is an option. However, if you chose to do this, you will lose not only one friend to betrayal, but two more in the process. The two remaining friends may also be more willing to see the other person's side of this situation.

 

Three, realize that the person who hurt you is to blame, no one else. Insisting others feel your pain as much as you do and react the way you would does not help you and even makes this situation worse.

 

Make some dates to go out with your two friends by yourselves. This can help strengthen your relationships and will guarantee that the other person is not going to be around.

 

When you see the other person at events, ignore her. Take another friend who is not involved with you for support. Avoid her if you chose, but try not to let it bother you. When you react to her, it gives her more power over you. That is not what you want. You are the one who is right here. Don't let her dictate how you should feel.

 

If you have someone who is willing to listen, talk about how you feel. You need to work out how this affected you and someone who can give you good feedback will help. Chose someone outside of the situation if you can. If not, try seeing a therapist. A therapist can help you work through your feelings. You can ask your doctor for a referral or if you attend church, try your pastor. Also, you can search on line at www.findatherapist.com.

 

Also, take care of yourself. Your self esteem has taken a hit from this. Try going out and treating yourself to a massage, manicure, see a movie with a good friend, or buy yourself a new outfit. Give yourself a boost somehow. It can work wonders when you feel upset.

 

I hope this has helped,
Kate

Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5559
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC and 2 other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 3 years ago.
Kate, Thank you for the advice. I guess I just needed to hear it from someone outside of the situation. I would never lose my 2 good friends over this. They do know how hurt I feel, and I know they are 100% on my side as far as knowing who is right, so I will have to accept that because only my feelings have changed and not theirs that they still want to associate with the other girl. I will get them together for lunch and hopefully, we can agree to have lunch without her and I do want them to understand that if they want to eat lunch with her, to please leave me out, as I don't want to have any contact with her. I really think they are shocked at what she did and don't know how to react. They are also the type of people who don't like to make waves, so I can see them trying to be neutral, while I am a more direct person and could easily stand up for them in the same situation. I have my ups and downs with this, but I'm sure that time will take care of the pain. Thank you again! Cindy
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 3 years ago.

You are welcome! It sounds like you have a very level head about this. I have no doubt that it will turn out well and you will gain better friendships over how well you are dealing with it.

 

Kate

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Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC
Mental Health Professional
5559 Satisfied Customers
Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.