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Luann
Luann, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 158
Experience:  Licensed Psychologist, 24 years experience working with children, adolescents, families and adults.
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My boyfriend of 3 loves and adores me but isnt sure of moving

Resolved Question:

My boyfriend of 3 loves and adores me but isn't sure of moving forward because he has doubts if he is ready to be a stepparent. He has already raised his children, hes 10 yrs older than me, says hes tired, worried about being in a house with children that he won't be able to discipline (he says he's not allowed as the stepparent). He has an appt with a therapist to try and get answers and figure it out, but in the mean time he wants to act like things are normal, like nothing was ever said and I think we should not see each other until he figures it out.
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Luann replied 5 years ago.

Hello,

I can understand your mixed feelings however I admire your boyfriend in being realistic about the situation. Being a stepparent is an incredibly difficult role, in addition, it is sometimes very hard for the children when a boyfriend moves in. I encourage the two of you to keep talking about this, there are many options. It sounds like there is no question about his feelings for you. I am guessing that he wants a relationship with you, but is not sure about the living together and parenting part. You should examine this too. What is best for you? What is best for your children? At some point your children will be adults. That may be a better time to live together. Teenaged children demand a lot of attention and it may be better if you are somewhat free to give them that attention. Maybe the question is when things happen in your relationship, not if. As a couple you can continue to move forward, you need to agree together how that will happen. Explore a 5 year plan, 10 year plan, if you are hoping for a life time together, taking your time now could lay a great foundation for the future.

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Customer: replied 5 years ago.
but how do i move forward? I am in limbo while he decides if having a life with me and my children is something he can handle. That was devastating to hear and it broke my heart. I feel awkward around him now and have put my guard up.
Expert:  Luann replied 5 years ago.

Take this time to focus on you and your kids, get out with friends, pursue a hobby you have not been taking time for. When you start thinking about your relationship, push the pause button and refocus your thinking onto something else. Just take a break from analyzing the relationship. Make a list of other things you can think of and pull it out as needed.

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