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TherapistMarryAnn, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5763
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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Im not really sure what I am asking here! I just am trying

Resolved Question:

I'm not really sure what I am asking here! I just am trying so hard to pick my life back up after a drug problem years ago and just being with the wrong people in my life. Around 5 years ago, I met the man I believed I was meant to be with for the rest of my life. Everything about him was normal, he had a job, an incredible family, a great sense of humor and treated me well. Believe me, when I tell you that all the men in my life before him had none of these qualities. We had a good relationship over the years and even had a baby girl who is now 15 months old. In July of last year, he told me that he just wasn't happy and left. I have a six year old by a previous marriage who considers him his dad and his family his grandparents. That relationship never changed and remained good from the standpoint which I am ever so grateful. I was heartbroken and couldn't figure out why. I am one of those people that when I love I love hard. I did everything for this man. I'm not a screamer and I hate conflict so basically he did what he wanted when he wanted without any questions asked. Around Thanksgiving he started coming back around but we still weren't "back together". I finally started getting stronger and doing things on my own, reuniting with friends I had neglected, and making decisions which didn't have to involve him. I gave notice to my landlord and found a house for me and my kids because it was cheaper. Well now he is back and while we are at home (on the rare occasions he is there because he works nites), life is good. The problem is that something is lacking. I feel myself slipping back into the "needy" person that I was. He has a "friend" for lack of better term that all of a sudden is coming back around who left him alone until she found out we were back together again. He hasnt been coming home at night until 6 to 8 am when I am leaving for work but is telling me it isn't like how it was before, he is just hanging out at work talking to people (needless to say he runs a pool hall). I have told him that I absolutely cannot go thru this again because of what it did to me before and I WILL NEVER be made to feel like that again. The problem is my gut hurts again, I cry on a whim, and I am scared. "B" never says sorry but has apologized for his actions more so in the last month and told me how much he loves me and this just isn't like before. Maybe why it is making it harder, I just don't know....I don't know what to do...We just moved into this house. I totally got rid of all of "our" old stuff and bought all new furniture (believing in the out with the old and in the with new mentality) but I'm feeling like I'm reverting back to being sad and it is making me crazy! Please help!
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  TherapistMarryAnn replied 5 years ago.

Hi, I'd like to help you with your question.


It sounds like you feel there is something going on in your relationship with your boyfriend and it's making you feel upset. It sounds as if you suspect he is cheating on you.


Because of your willingness to allow your boyfriend freedom, which is not a bad thing to a certain extent, then he feels free to do whatever he choses. Whatever he is doing now could be innocent or not, but it is hard to tell because you have not set any rules on your own behalf for the relationship in order to establish trust and safety for yourself.


In order to have a good, solid relationship, there needs to be mutual trust. It sounds like your boyfriend is aware of were you are and feels confident that you are in the relationship 100%. However, you do not feel the same about him. This is where things are going bad. There needs to be more accountability on his part, especially since there has been past behavior on his part that could occur again. Your fears are justified based on his past behavior. He needs to be more responsible not only with repairing the past, but with his present behavior.


It seems that you are the sole motivator for this relationship and your fear of "rocking the boat" has gotten in the way of you having rights in this relationship. He has all the choices, you have none. You have given away your power in the relationship to him.


It is up to you to decide how you want to approach this problem. You can stay, change how you approach your relationship, and work out the trust issue. Or you can stay and insist on counseling to help you both work out the problems, or you can leave. If you do leave, do not allow your boyfriend to come back unless the issues are dealt with. Allowing him to come and go and have all the choices in the relationship leaves you open to being hurt. It sounds as if you do not feel you deserve more since he is one of the better relationships you have had. This is not so. Everyone deserves a relationship that has trust and mutual respect, including you.


I hope this has helped you,

Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Thank you for your response! All I want from him is respect. Again he has a great sense of humor, but whenever we are out in public, I seem to always be the butt of his jokes...I'm okay with that except that sometimes he crosses the line. He didn't come home 3 times this week. The one thing I do know is that he wasn't with the person that I am having problems with because she is a county away and I have to pass his work where I saw his truck parked two mornings in a row. All the while my 6 year old is asking why his truck was still at work. I have questioned him and told him that I will tolerate him doing the same thing again and bringing me down the way it was before he left because I have come so far in progressing myself to become a better person with or without him. This is a man who never ever ever says he is sorry about anything but has been apologizing profusely about his actions to me lately. He says more so than usual about how he wants us to work and that he loves me. I think I have hardened which I was afraid of because once I harden (and that takes a lot), I turn the other way and never look back. I want to be with him. But I don't know if it's cuz his family is so wonderful or if it's him. How do I make him see that I am a great person...all of his friends while we were broke up were all over me...his family was on my side...I just don't get what his problem his. BTW I am 5 years older than him. Maybe he just plain and simple isn't ready for the commitment. If that is the case, I need him to go and leave me alone. BUT I love him.
Expert:  TherapistMarryAnn replied 5 years ago.

You have two choices here. You can stay with him and deal with his behavior as it is, or you can leave him. From what you have told me, it does not sound like he is going to change his behavior, except for apologizing more to you than he used to. If there was nothing going on, he would not need to apologize.


You may want to consider the impact this is having on your child. If your child is noticing this behavior, how will they view relationships once they get old enough to have one?


If you cannot make a decision, consider therapy to help you figure out what you want to do. You need the support right now.



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Customer: replied 5 years ago.
I want so badly to hit the accept button, but I am just not getting the answers I want. I think I just have to go with my gut and realize that while his family is the best thing that ever happened to me along with my daughter, he is not and we will not or aren't mean't to be together. This breaks my heart to the extent that it hurts in my gut if you know what I mean. But, I have done everything I know how to make it work. I made a new house a home, I did complete makeover to make me sexier to him (although I must admit I love iit and needed it) and nothing is working. Everytime things start to go right, he gets a phone call from one of his buddies or whoever and its like I don't even exist. I know what I need to do.. Just want to be told how to do it so I don't resort back t who I was or lose his family or most importantly harm my children.
Expert:  TherapistMarryAnn replied 5 years ago.

That is why it is a good idea for you to seek out a therapist who can help you work this out. You are saying that you need more to help you make a decision and a therapist could help you with that. They can't tell you what to do, that is not what therapy is about. But they can help you decide by helping you focus on what you want and need.



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