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TherapistMarryAnn, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5804
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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My husband hasnt wanted to have sex with me in over 4 years.

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My husband hasn't wanted to have sex with me in over 4 years. He's been to a doctor for a physical and his testostarone levels are fine. We've been married 15 years. It's the second marriage for both of us. There are other issues too. Is this normal?

Hi, I'd like to help you with your question.


It sounds like there are some issues going on here for your husband. Since you have tried to talk with him and you are interested in being with him sexually, then the conclusion is that this problem originates with him.


It is good that he has already gone for a full physical to rule out any problems. It is noteworthy that he was prescribed Viagra and chose not to take it. That shows he is communicating his feelings with this gesture.


It could be that your weight gain is affecting him. But keep in mind that many couples who are overweight enjoy an active sex life. So again, this is an issue he has and does not necessarily reflect on your attractiveness.


I highly recommend you both attend therapy to help you find answers. You need to have a neutral person help determine what your husband is feeling and what is preventing him from expressing himself sexually with you. You can find a therapist either by talking with your doctor for a referral, or if you attend church, your pastor is a good source for information or even counseling. You can also find a therapist on line at


Also, until this problem is resolved, the two of you may want to find other ways to express your love for each other. Cuddling, leaving loving notes for each other, small gifts, hugs, and simple touching can all make you feel closer and help to rekindle your sexual feelings for each other.


This book may also help. It is called Rekindling Desire: A Step by Step Program to Help Low-Sex and No-Sex Marriages by Barry W. McCarthy and Emily J. McCarthy. You can find it on or your local library may have a copy.


I hope this has helped you,


Customer: replied 6 years ago.

Thanks for the information. I'm going to look up the book you recommended and talk with my husband about therapy.


One more question, what is the normal sex life for a couple that are 51 years old? You hear so many different answers.



You're welcome!


Sexual drive depends on the person. Life history and experiences, stressors, and other factors all come to together to affect each person. Some people react with wanting more sex, others pull back and sex is the last thing on their minds. That is why you hear so many different opinions out there about how age affects sex drive.


Given that, typically as we age, our sex drives tend to decline due to hormonal changes. But that does not mean you cannot have a very fulfilling sex life. This is where the closeness of your relationship begins to affect your sex life. It is no longer about being hormone driven but more about your feelings for each other.



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