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Dr. Mark
Dr. Mark, Psychotherapist
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Experience:  Dr. Mark is a PhD in psychology in private practice
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My boyfriend is calling me a liar because my stories dont

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My boyfriend is calling me a liar because my stories don't match up. I go blank and stutter when I get nervous or agitated. I came from an abusive relationship before I met him and I still cringe and want to run away especially when my boyfriend gets mad and starts asking questions. I'm telling the truth but he still calls me a liar. How do I tell him that my story changing is not cause I'm lying but because I'm under pressure from his questioning.
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Dr. Mark replied 3 years ago.

Hi! You know, to give you the best answer, I think I should ask you a few questions first that will help define the problem and the situation.


Your reaction is not uncommon in someone who's been in abusive relationships. But tell me, why is your boyfriend so suspicious of you?

Can you give an example or two of the kind of questions he asks and then the kind of lies you make up?

Are there other problems in the relationship?

Any extra information that will help, feel free to share.

Let's go forward from the answers to these questions.

Dr. Mark

Customer: replied 3 years ago.

I'm not making up lies. Here is the situation.

 

I frequented a forum called AllDeaf. I'm Deaf and I interacted on those forums with other Deaf or Hard of Hearing people in threads and discussions.

 

One such thread was in regard to an AllDeaf meet in Chicago while a Deaf Nations Expo was in full swing at that time.

 

I said it was possible I would go, since I live in an area that is so rural that I am basically the only person in my town that is Deaf and speaks both orally and in Sign Language.

 

On the forum there is a sub forum called penisarium that adults would frequent (the sub forum is of a sexual nature). I made a thread on there asking men if they liked butts too besides being a boob guy. I had a few responses and was asked to show my butt for perusal. I sent two emails to two different men with a picture of my butt in boy shorts underwear before figuring out that I could make an album without having to use another website to host pictures or email.

 

Now back to the thread about the meet in Chicago. The two men that I sent the email of my behind to planned on going to the meet. One of them I was speaking to in Private messaging about where everyone who planned on coming were going to stay, have dinner at, and a few drinks later. I sent this private message to the woman who started this Chicago thread too not just him.

 

This was not a back and forth private messenging day after day, it was once in a while. This same man I spoke to also invited everyone openly on the thread that they could come to stay at his place in Indiana for the night and attend a Deaf Proffessionals Headquarters Hour with him the night before the meet.

 

At some point after that my boyfriend and I got into a fight and I left and I planned on going to Chicago and having my mother go with me on the drive. The plan was that I would drive to Portage just outside of Chicago and meet with my grandparents halfway to drop my mother off and I would go to Chicago for the night and day and drive to my grandparents place and stay with them for a couple of days.

 

I was at this time trying to work things out with my boyfriend and the night before moving back in with him I spoke to the man who I had been communicating with in private messaging and told him that it didn't look likely that I would go to Chicago and I probably would drive straight to my grandparents instead since so many people where backing out.

 

The following day the same man sent a message and said 'If you still plan on dropping your mom in Portage with your grandparents, the offer for you to stay at my place still stands. I would love to hang out with you for the day.'

 

He believes that I developed a relationship with him. The man I spoke to was not interested in it.

Expert:  Dr. Mark replied 3 years ago.
Okay. That helped a lot but there are still some questions if you don't mind that would help us get you the best answer.

Your behavior does sound very promiscuous in showing body parts to other men. And certainly staying in these people's places for a day or overnight implies the opportunity to have sexual relations given that you've already shown them pictures of yourself and your body parts. Is this acceptable behavior to your boyfriend or is this the source of the trouble? That he feels you are promiscuous?

Does he also behave this way with other women? Is this just the way you two conduct your relationship?

Because it sounds as though he is upset about your promiscuity as much as the lying.

And finally, in the story you related to me, what did you not tell the truth about? What did you communicate to him that made him feel you were LYING? Because I didn't catch that.

Okay. I'll await your response, Dr. Mark
Customer: replied 3 years ago.

That is just it. I have told him the truth about everything. This is a man that accuses of his niece, daughter, sister and any friend of his of lying. He claims to know when people are lying. A lot of the time he finds out the fact that they were actually telling the truth.

 

I didn't lie to him about anything. I admited to the pictures. But the chicago trip he believes that I was planning on meeting this man and staying overnight with him. He neglected to see that He offered this same thing to other people openly on a thread both male and female. This was not a planned orgy.

 

I walk around in a bikini does that make me promiscuous? I was wearing a boy short underwear in the picture. There are worse pictures with my naked parts that he has shown to other people.

 

I have admited to my mistakes and apologized for it.

Expert:  Dr. Mark replied 3 years ago.

Thank you for the added information. It helps a lot. I believe I can now be of help with this issue.

First, let me say I can imagine how frustrating this situation must be for you. Your boyfriend seems to be very suspicious and it seems not just about you. Suspiciousness seems to be part of his character.

And this is actually the key to my answer to you that you need to consider and think about. Your question to me is how you can convince him you are not lying. But now that you have given me the additional information, it seems clear to you as well as to me that he is not able to be convinced that you are not lying. Why not?

Because the problem is not in you. The problem is that his character is the way it is. He is not a trusting person and he suspects the people he is close to. This is something that comes with him. In other words, if you are going to be in a close relationship with him, you have to be prepared for him to not trust you and to be suspicious.

It sounds as though this frustrates you very much and you do not feel it is fair. It also seems that it fuels your anxiety and makes you very nervous, which makes you sometimes not be able to think clearly on the spot. This is very hard and you have to make a judgment: does being his girlfriend satisfy you enough and make you happy enough to put up with his suspiciousness and the anxiety he puts you through when he gets suspicious?

Because this is going to always be part of being his girlfriend. So this is the decision you have to make and no one can make it for you other than yourself. I wish you the very best!

Please remember to click the green accept button. Feel free to continue the discussion; my goal is to get you the best answers possible. Bonuses are always appreciated! If I can be of further help with any issue, just put "for Dr. Mark" in the front of your new question, and I'll be the one to answer it. All the best, XXXXX XXXXX

Dr. Mark, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5108
Experience: Dr. Mark is a PhD in psychology in private practice
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Customer: replied 3 years ago.
<p>This is the boyfriend she has left out many things she says she was not on there all the time, she was her grades were failing she would come to bed about one hour before we had school. Tell me she was working on school work and then be up for six more hours before sneaking into bed usually waking me up about an hour before school and having nothing more done than she did when she said started She met some people on a site and did send photos to some of them a covered ass, unfortunately that wasn't the worst of them and the trip in question. She had commented on thinking she would be able to make it to Chicago for the trip. I knew nothing about it until just about a week before. she talked to them privately and denied anything other than posting on threads.she had planned this trip for about two months before i found out about it, and never told me anything other than she was going with her mom to her grandmas in mich. I do accuse my family of shady practices, one sister is a meth addict and can't tell the truth to save her life. My neice has given her pres drugs to my daughter and has been placed in a girls home. Not because of that but she was selling her drugs at school to buy more and stealing all of which i said would happen before it did.I am right about these things about 90% of the time, i can read my family pretty good (She will tell you this too). Her stories do change but, they are not small changes. in one story recently i got five completely different answers. Back to us, i used to sit with my back to her while on the computer when i would go to sit next to her she would turn the screen, then she moved her comp upstairs. She would close screens when i would come up or in the room. this all happened about the time she started planning this trip i knew nothing about. so naturally i became suspicious we got into a heated discussion about her seeing anyone on the comp. or e-mailing people privatelythis wasn't the first time we had argued about this. this was about one week before the trip, she conveniently had had enough of the accusations and left (broke up with me later) she said to me four days later that she was going on a trip this coming weekend to see her grandparents, said she wanted to talk to me then and would wait til she got back from the trip to see if we were going to work things out. She mentioned commenting on forums but some of the information that was divulged about her talking to people was by the man she had planned to meet in portage, (also the one who got the butt picture, and privately e-mailed) she had no pictures of me up in her albums. The two albums she did have up were pics of her butt (only available to some) and her family pics. which included her car, boys, back-yard and her. where was my picture you ask (we have been together for five years now). she says she didn't have time to put my pic in the album entitled MY LIFE I stumbled on the sent pics by accident in the first place and later found they were sent pics to men. I sent this guy a letter and asked for the pic back and to please not communicate with her. he sent me a note back that said i shouldn't be snooping through her stuff, SHE NEVER TOLD HIM SHE WAS WITH SOMEONE, and something else. she told you she said she was trying to work things out with me to this other guy and yet even after that apperhently this guy still did not know she had been with someone. when she left she took what she could a couple baskets of clothes toys and basic necessities. she never wears underwear but has lots of them. some real sexy, so there are never any in the wash the three or four brightest prettiest sexiest pair were some how got in the basket when she came back so did the baskets about two weeks after almost all of this was discovered i stuck my hand in the basket to look for some socks i come up with nothing but three or four pairs of underwear all together and remembered that 1 she don't wear underwear and two they were in her drawer before she left me no i wasn't snooping, i hide my pot in there (she knows about it) and i wasn't snooping now if you don't want something read you shouldn't leave it up on a shared computer. they had planned to meet in portage where she was conveniently dropping off her mom. on the day alex is his name was there for another deaf convention. She had said on the forum that she would likely be in the chicago area for two to three days. let alone private e-mails about hotels and his house being available for guests. she will never admit to anything until it comes right out and slaps her in the face. her lies still keep on coming up about this event and when i confront her about them she tells me to drop it, that it is old news but i tell her  that when new lies come up about old stuff, old things get brought up. she says you lied to me too so drop it, i tell her that my lies don't keep changing   she has admitted to me there was a relationship there but recently has started to go back to saying it was nothing. she has left out so much but as you can see there is two sides to every story i trie to tell the truth most of the time but i will admit i have been devious lately and have told some to catch her the way i figure it if you tell the truth the first time you only have one story to remember i have heard many different truths about the same thing. i don't know what you will think about posting on her site but what do you think about the other side. sure she could have been on the trip for a breather to clear her head to see her grandparents like she told me originally. but to the extent she went to, to hide all this and now she is trying to say it all never happened that she never lied to me once the whole time she asked her mom, two interpreters and one friend to go on this trip with her and she never asked me or even let me know about the alldeaf portion of her trip i guess this a liars way to make themselves feel better for having to lie for their lies she don't know when to stop, it is becoming too much for me to handle i should be the one asking advice</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>sincerely XXXXX XXXXX boyfriend</p><p>my boyfriend has found this and i told him that he could reply</p><p> </p>
Customer: replied 3 years ago.
<p>This is the boyfriend she has left out many things she says she was not on there all the time, she was her grades were failing she would come to bed about one hour before we had school. Tell me she was working on school work and then be up for six more hours before sneaking into bed usually waking me up about an hour before school and having nothing more done than she did when she said started She met some people on a site and did send photos to some of them a covered ass, unfortunately that wasn't the worst of them and the trip in question. She had commented on thinking she would be able to make it to Chicago for the trip. I knew nothing about it until just about a week before. she talked to them privately and denied anything other than posting on threads.she had planned this trip for about two months before i found out about it, and never told me anything other than she was going with her mom to her grandmas in mich. I do accuse my family of shady practices, one sister is a meth addict and can't tell the truth to save her life. My neice has given her pres drugs to my daughter and has been placed in a girls home. Not because of that but she was selling her drugs at school to buy more and stealing all of which i said would happen before it did.I am right about these things about 90% of the time, i can read my family pretty good (She will tell you this too). Her stories do change but, they are not small changes. in one story recently i got five completely different answers. Back to us, i used to sit with my back to her while on the computer when i would go to sit next to her she would turn the screen, then she moved her comp upstairs. She would close screens when i would come up or in the room. this all happened about the time she started planning this trip i knew nothing about. so naturally i became suspicious we got into a heated discussion about her seeing anyone on the comp. or e-mailing people privatelythis wasn't the first time we had argued about this. this was about one week before the trip, she conveniently had had enough of the accusations and left (broke up with me later) she said to me four days later that she was going on a trip this coming weekend to see her grandparents, said she wanted to talk to me then and would wait til she got back from the trip to see if we were going to work things out. She mentioned commenting on forums but some of the information that was divulged about her talking to people was by the man she had planned to meet in portage, (also the one who got the butt picture, and privately e-mailed) she had no pictures of me up in her albums. The two albums she did have up were pics of her butt (only available to some) and her family pics. which included her car, boys, back-yard and her. where was my picture you ask (we have been together for five years now). she says she didn't have time to put my pic in the album entitled MY LIFE I stumbled on the sent pics by accident in the first place and later found they were sent pics to men. I sent this guy a letter and asked for the pic back and to please not communicate with her. he sent me a note back that said i shouldn't be snooping through her stuff, SHE NEVER TOLD HIM SHE WAS WITH SOMEONE, and something else. she told you she said she was trying to work things out with me to this other guy and yet even after that apperhently this guy still did not know she had been with someone. when she left she took what she could a couple baskets of clothes toys and basic necessities. she never wears underwear but has lots of them. some real sexy, so there are never any in the wash the three or four brightest prettiest sexiest pair were some how got in the basket when she came back so did the baskets about two weeks after almost all of this was discovered i stuck my hand in the basket to look for some socks i come up with nothing but three or four pairs of underwear all together and remembered that 1 she don't wear underwear and two they were in her drawer before she left me no i wasn't snooping, i hide my pot in there (she knows about it) and i wasn't snooping now if you don't want something read you shouldn't leave it up on a shared computer. they had planned to meet in portage where she was conveniently dropping off her mom. on the day alex is his name was there for another deaf convention. She had said on the forum that she would likely be in the chicago area for two to three days. let alone private e-mails about hotels and his house being available for guests. she will never admit to anything until it comes right out and slaps her in the face. her lies still keep on coming up about this event and when i confront her about them she tells me to drop it, that it is old news but i tell her that when new lies come up about old stuff, old things get brought up. she says you lied to me too so drop it, i tell her that my lies don't keep changing she has admitted to me there was a relationship there but recently has started to go back to saying it was nothing. she has left out so much but as you can see there is two sides to every story i trie to tell the truth most of the time but i will admit i have been devious lately and have told some to catch her the way i figure it if you tell the truth the first time you only have one story to remember i have heard many different truths about the same thing. i don't know what you will think about posting on her site but what do you think about the other side. sure she could have been on the trip for a breather to clear her head to see her grandparents like she told me originally. but to the extent she went to, to hide all this and now she is trying to say it all never happened that she never lied to me once the whole time</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>sincerely XXXXX XXXXX boyfriend</p><p> </p><p> </p> Edit
Customer: replied 3 years ago.
<p>This is the boyfriend she has left out many things she says she was not on there all the time, she was her grades were failing she would come to bed about one hour before we had school. Tell me she was working on school work and then be up for six more hours before sneaking into bed usually waking me up about an hour before school and having nothing more done than she did when she said started She met some people on a site and did send photos to some of them a covered ass, unfortunately that wasn't the worst of them and the trip in question. She had commented on thinking she would be able to make it to Chicago for the trip. I knew nothing about it until just about a week before. she talked to them privately and denied anything other than posting on threads.she had planned this trip for about two months before i found out about it, and never told me anything other than she was going with her mom to her grandmas in mich. I do accuse my family of shady practices, one sister is a meth addict and can't tell the truth to save her life. My neice has given her pres drugs to my daughter and has been placed in a girls home. Not because of that but she was selling her drugs at school to buy more and stealing all of which i said would happen before it did.I am right about these things about 90% of the time, i can read my family pretty good (She will tell you this too). Her stories do change but, they are not small changes. in one story recently i got five completely different answers three of which were in about as many hours. Swearing the whole time that each one was the truth. . Back to us, i used to sit with my back to her while on the computer when i would go to sit next to her she would turn the screen, then she moved her comp upstairs. She would close screens when i would come up or in the room. this all happened about the time she started planning this trip i knew nothing about. so naturally i became suspicious we got into a heated discussion about her seeing anyone on the comp. or e-mailing people privatelythis wasn't the first time we had argued about this. this was about one week before the trip, she conveniently had had enough of the accusations and left (broke up with me later) she said to me four days later that she was going on a trip this coming weekend to see her grandparents, said she wanted to talk to me then and would wait til she got back from the trip to see if we were going to work things out. She mentioned commenting on forums but some of the information that was divulged about her talking to people was by the man she had planned to meet in portage, (also the one who got the butt picture, and privately e-mailed) she had no pictures of me up in her albums. The two albums she did have up were pics of her butt (only available to some) and her family pics. which included her car, boys, back-yard and her. where was my picture you ask (we have been together for five years now). she says she didn't have time to put my pic in the album entitled MY LIFE I stumbled on the sent pics by accident in the first place and later found they were sent pics to men. I sent this guy a letter and asked for the pic back and to please not communicate with her. he sent me a note back that said i shouldn't be snooping through her stuff, SHE NEVER TOLD HIM SHE WAS WITH SOMEONE, and something else. she told you she said she was trying to work things out with me to this other guy and yet even after that apperhently this guy still did not know she had been with someone. when she left she took what she could a couple baskets of clothes toys and basic necessities. she never wears underwear but has lots of them. some real sexy, so there are never any in the wash the three or four brightest prettiest sexiest pair were some how got in the basket when she came back so did the baskets about two weeks after almost all of this was discovered i stuck my hand in the basket to look for some socks i come up with nothing but three or four pairs of underwear all together and remembered that 1 she don't wear underwear and two they were in her drawer before she left me no i wasn't snooping, i hide my pot in there (she knows about it) and i wasn't snooping now if you don't want something read you shouldn't leave it up on a shared computer. they had planned to meet in portage where she was conveniently dropping off her mom. on the day alex is his name was there for another deaf convention. She had said on the forum that she would likely be in the chicago area for two to three days. let alone private e-mails about hotels and his house being available for guests. she will never admit to anything until it comes right out and slaps her in the face. her lies still keep on coming up about this event and when i confront her about them she tells me to drop it, that it is old news but i tell her  that when new lies come up about old stuff, old things get brought up. she says you lied to me too so drop it, i tell her that my lies don't keep changing   she has admitted to me there was a relationship there but recently has started to go back to saying it was nothing. she has left out so much but as you can see there is two sides to every story i trie to tell the truth most of the time but i will admit i have been devious lately and have told some to catch her the way i figure it if you tell the truth the first time you only have one story to remember i have heard many different truths about the same thing. i don't know what you will think about posting on her site but what do you think about the other side. sure she could have been on the trip for a breather to clear her head to see her grandparents like she told me originally. but to the extent she went to, to hide all this and now she is trying to say it all never happened that she never lied to me once the whole time she asked her mom, two interpreters and one friend to go on this trip with her and she never asked me or even let me know about the alldeaf portion of her trip i guess this a liars way to make themselves feel better for having to lie for their lies she don't know when to stop, it is becoming too much for me to handle i should be the one asking advice</p><p> </p><p>p.s. I just found out from her yesterday that she said he was going to take a train to portage from lafayette IN, and i said yes you told me.  Because, he had another conf. to go to in portage (is what she told me) it just happened to be a drop off site where she was going to see her grandparents. yesterday she told me that no the conference that was on fri was in lafayette, the one on sat was chicago, of which i knew. why would He take a train in a completely different direction if he wasn't meeting more than a simple internet friend. Why would he pay money to go in a different direction to meet just one person. when supposedly the possibility of people he didn't really know, might have been coming over to stay at his house. I can only guess it was a one way ticket because why would someone meet someone say hi and get back on the train like she told me was going to happen. at first she told me she didn't know much about what was really going on but the more i talk to her about it the more she reveals. am i being paranoid</p><p>sincerely XXXXX XXXXX boyfriend    </p><p>my boyfriend has found this and i told him that he could reply</p><p> </p>
Customer: replied 3 years ago.
Relist: Answer came too late.
Not enough information was provided, to give an accurate account of the incident. My boyfriend found the site and I told him that he could put in his two cents. I would like it too be over all statements made, please Kirsten

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