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Dr. Mark
Dr. Mark, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5220
Experience:  Dr. Mark is a PhD in psychology in private practice
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Thank you for your answer that did help me so much. I am managing

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Thank you for your answer that did help me so much. I am managing the relationship with my sister and am aware of some of the things that trigger her paranoia when we are together. She is desperate to end her life and each day is like a nightmare for her. I have advised her to make an earlier appointment with her doc as she is only seeing her in March.

I also have a son who is an addict. He has been in rehab a number of times and is 37yrs old. I suspect that he is using as his behaviour is all over the show. He lives alone and runs a very successful business. He came around last week for dinner and I felt very distressed about the way he was talking and behaving - very loud and quite manic. I reprimanded him about something and he snapped back at me . It triggered the same reaction that I have experienced in the past when he was using. I dont know how to react - do I continue messaging him as we were doing before or do I detach for now . I feel that if I just continue chatting and messaging and meeting for coffee its as if I dont suspect anything and am enabling him. Hope I am making sense. He also runs a once a month Sushi Sunday lunch place with music which is very popular. He has become very well known through this venture. He has asked us to come this month as it is being held for his bday. I know that it starts off very chilled and then goes on into the early hours of the morning. I cant believe that all the people who go there and stay till late are drinking and he is staying clean. I am telling you so much all jumbled up but what I am really asking is how do I respond at this point. I find it very stressful being in his company. He has been overly generous to us and to anyone who needs help. He never says to no to peoples call for help and in that way he is remarkable. So many mixed feelings - on the one hand such gratitude to him for his kindness and generosity and on the other hand his scary , loud and fragile temperament. I dont want to chase him away from us but it is soooooooooooo difficult being around him I feel as if a volcano is about to explode and we all walk on eggshells. I have made an appointment to speak to someone about how I should react but felt like sharing this ordeal with you.
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Dr. Mark replied 5 years ago.

Hi! I believe I can be of help with this issue.

First, let me say I can imagine how overwhelming this situation must be for you. You seem like a very loving mother and he truly is an unusual young man in his generosity and kindness.

And this is actually the key to my answer to you that you need to consider and think about. You are very concerned about him. You are both people who have great love and kindness inside of you. This is the way you must approach him in finding out if he is using again. You must start off by telling him how much you love him and how amazed you are at his generosity and how grateful and that you are very concerned. That you don't want to anger him but you are very concerned. And then ask him very openly if he is using again. And if he denies it, then you must tell him the reason you are asking:

That when he was at your house for dinner he seemed just like when he was using. Give the details of what he was like. Tell him how much you enjoy when he comes for dinner and ask again if those were not signs of him using again. If he denies using, ask him if he would like to go to NA again. And tell him that even though it is hard for you, you are going to go to Nar Anon to just freshen up your skills and to get the support.

And then it is up to him. You will have done the best you can. But you can't do more than that. He is an adult and you need to let him find his own healing. But you should indeed go to Nar Anon.

I wish you the very best!

Please remember to click the green accept button. Feel free to continue the discussion; my goal is to get you the best answers possible. Bonuses are always appreciated! If I can be of further help with any issue, just put "for Dr. Mark" in the front of your new question, and I'll be the one to answer it. All the best, XXXXX XXXXX

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