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Dr. Rossi
Dr. Rossi, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 4627
Experience:  PsyD, LPC, CHt
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I am about to be married in a couple months, but am not attracted

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I am about to be married in a couple months, but am not attracted to my future wife. We have not had sex in nearly 2 years, but I still love her. She is concerned, but I tell her I am still attracted to her. Earlier in our relationship I had admitted I was not attracted to her, but then I later said it was "just a phase" I was going through, because it was really hurting her (and we didn't break up like I had thought we would). In truth, I don't believe I will ever be sexually attracted to her again based on her appearance. Is it okay for me to hide my lack of attraction to spare her feelings? Can a marriage without sex be healthy? (... Even when both partners have regular sex drives?)
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Dr. Rossi replied 5 years ago.

Hi,

 

What sort of a relationship are the two of you intending on having? Platonic or romantic? Because the two are quite different. Those involved in platonic relationships do not go on and marry their partners.

Customer: replied 5 years ago.
We are definitely far beyond a platonic relationship. We have had sex many times in the past, even producing a pregnancy (that was ended without a child). Currently we are still very affectionate - hugging, kissing, holding hands, sleeping together in the same bed - just no sex.

We have agreed to having a child/children once we are married. Obviously we will need to have sex to do this - and I believe I can accomplish it even though I am not sexually attracted to her. Aside from procreation though, I can not imagine there being any sex in our future. I am still very much sexually attracted to women, I just don't find my fiance sexually attractive. I have adjusted to not having sex, so I believe I can be faithful in marriage to her even if we don't improve. It seems that many married couples do not have much sex... Is this a common problem for couples that have been together a long time and were previously sexually active?

My fiance wants a romantic relationship, and I would like to provide her with a romantic relationship as well, but I can not force myself be attracted to someone. I would be willing to work on myself to build attraction, if that is possible.

Thank you!
Expert:  Dr. Rossi replied 5 years ago.

The lack of sexual intimacy although common amongst some couples, often leads to satisfaction sooner or later. If you have healthy libido and she does as well, at some point either one of you may find the need to act out on it. Even in couples where one of the partners became a paraplegic, their partner continues to have sexual needs.

On the other hand, if the two of you abide to a spiritual/yogic practice/philosophy and want to lead a life of celibacy, the issue is different. Romance and sexuality are interconnected. It is possible to build sexual/physical attraction. You may explore NLP (neurolinguistic programming and hypnotherapy as therapeutic aids) Both of you may want to talk to others in the same/similar situation.

Customer: replied 5 years ago.
So in reference to my first question, is it okay for me to hide my lack of attraction to spare her feelings? Or is this something we need to discuss even if it will likely hurt her and/or damage our relationship?
Expert:  Dr. Rossi replied 5 years ago.
It is something to discuss with her. Secrets are seldom productive in any relationship.
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