Hi! I believe I can be of help with this issue.
First, let me say that your question is very heartbreaking in the sense that you are clearly such a kind, generous, and loving person. Yet your son does not seem to share these character strengths. He seems to be struggling between wanting to take and being willing to give.
And this is actually the key to my answer to you that you need to consider and think about. There are two parts to this: your son and your grandchildren, the kids. Your son needs one type of help and the kids a different type. The kids DO need your material help and I'll get to why in a minute. Your son, though, needs your spiritual, psychological, and guidance help. But NOT your financial help. Why not?
Because your son needs to learn from your strengths. And your giving him materially--things and money--will not help him gain those strengths of character. I would like you to consider going to Al Anon meetings. That's the part of AA that's for the families of the alcoholic. I know you haven't mentioned anything about alcohol. But the principle is the same: alcoholics use the people they love. They take and don't know how to give any more. Al Anon helps the family not enable the person to keep using other people. So I want you to consider going to meetings to learn about how not to enable. Not all meetings are the same, so if you get to a meeting you don't like, call the office and find times and location for a different one. Here's the address for how to find a meeting:
Now the kids need to have generosity modeled for them. PURE generous love. They will sense clearly that the things you give them are because you are sacrificing your own needs for them. If they are not developing mental health disorders, they will benefit from your showing them your love and the strengths of who you are throughout their lives. They will remember this when they are adults. So this is so important what you are doing for them. Make sure to also have the opportunity to spend time with them and to praise them and shower them with your good feelings for them. Kids need that and I sense that these kids may not get that much of it.
I wish you the very best!
Please remember to click the green accept button. Feel free to continue the discussion; my goal is to get you the best answers possible. Bonuses are always appreciated! If I can be of further help with any issue, just put "for Dr. Mark" in the front of your new question, and I'll be the one to answer it. All the best, XXXXX XXXXX