Hi Dr Mark
Thank you so much for coming back to me.
We were together for 5 years and the reason why I broke up with him the first time was due to the fact that he cheated on me. I never really had the security in my heart that I felt safe with him as he was a flirt, he's always been like that. When I met him, he told me that he cheated on his ex - I decided to ignore that red light, purely cause that was his past. We then broke up for 4 months. During this time my father was extremely sick and we all knew my dad's time was close. As a little girl my biggest dream was to give my father the opportunity to hand me over to the man of my dreams on my wedding day. Two weeks before my father passed away, we arranged for a promise ceremony to give my father and myself the opportunity to share this wonderful moment together. My dad could barely stand and he did as it was just as important to him knowing that he's daughter will be looked after when he's gone. We made promises to look after each other, love each other.... and 2 weeks after my father passed away I sat down with my partner asking him whether he had any more secrets to share as I was ready to marry him. He then confessed that he cheated on me again, and this was close after my dad's passing. I then decided, that this is it. I had to find another place to live for me and my daughter.
This is now almost a year later and he has shown that he has changed. He went to church and got the help from the people there and have GOD in his life now. Till today, he's begged for forgiveness, admitted his mistakes which he is not proud of and is asking me to take him back for us to be together and a family again. It's hard for me to believe him as he has made so many promises before but disappointed me every time. I've realised that I still love him, but do you take someone back that cheated on you twice (what I know off) and was never there for me emotionally? He's always been a very depressed person and I've always been there for him during his troubled times, BUT when I needed him the most, when I was at the lowest point in my life, I was all alone...
We never knew each other's love languages and he's been investigating the meaning of love and learnt my love language for the past year, through research. He's showing me that he want to change, but can he really... you know they always say a leopard never changes it's spots. See I just don't have any guarantees??
I also don't know that if I do take him back, will I be able to TRUST him completely again? He travels a lot and that is part of his job, will I ever wonder where he is and what he's doing...
On the other hand, have I met this wonderful guy! We've been dating for 7 months now, but broke up this weekend because of silly things. I feel he's controlling and do not trust me, but he says he just wants to protect me and keep me safe and that I need to share my life with him. He feels that my decisions sometimes, just excludes his feelings. He does not like it when I meet with old friends without him as we are a couple and need to do things together - he feels like I always push him aside and put other people before him. He ALWAYS says that I'm TOO NICE, because I don't want to hurt other people's feelings, but I'd rather hurt his feelings. He reminds me of myself 3 years ago and see love and relationships exactly the way that I do. We have so much respect for each other and get along so well. It feels like... why can't I give him/us a chance and work on things in our relationship, but now I don't show that, because it was so easy to break up? I gave so much of myself in my previous relationship, just to get hurt. Is it because I'm so tired of fighting that I don't want to fight anymore for something that I really want. Is it because I'm hurt so deeply... of the being rejected, cheated on, losing a parent etc.
He went away for a week and is back on Friday, I feel that I need to make a decision when we see each other again, because what if I lose him forever?
I know I need to properly deal with the loss of my father, but feel that I need to make a decision as I know I need someone with me, to support me through this difficult process.
Looking forward to hear from you and any advice would be so much appreciated.