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Dr. Mark
Dr. Mark, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5109
Experience:  Dr. Mark is a PhD in psychology in private practice
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To whom it may concern I am breaking down... In 2009 my

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To whom it may concern:

I am breaking down... In 2009 my fiancé confessed that he cheated on me. I moved out and took him back after 3 months to give our relationship another chance. We have a beautiful daughter together. My dad passed away in 2010 from Liver Cirrhosis - I saw the suffering and pain he went through as I was with him when he passed away. My dad was my everything, my hero! My biggest dream ever was to give my dad the opportunity to hand me over to the man of my dreams on my wedding day. I knew my dad was at his last and arranged this to happen. We had a PROMISE ceremony that allowed my dad to hand me over to the man of my dreams. Soon after my dad's passing I found out that my boyfriend then cheated on me again. I was devastated - this while I was at the lowest point in my life. I moved out with my daughter and still stay on my own now. After a couple months I met a loving guy that loves me dearly and just want to spend his life with me. I broke up with him this weekend. I can't stop crying, everything is just TOO much. I'm dealing with the loss of my dad, my ex that cheated on me and the thought of losing someone that possibly could make me happy! I am so CONFUSED, hurt, lonely, sad... I've got ALL these mixed emotions and don't know how to feel or what to do. Please help as I am so desperate?

Kind regards,
Yolandi Mulder
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Dr. Mark replied 3 years ago.

Hi, Yolandi! You know, to give you the best answer, I think I should ask you a few questions first that will help define the problem and the situation.

First, let me offer my condolences to you on the passing of your father.

Yolandi, it does sound very devastating that you just broke up with this fine man. Can you tell me why you broke up with him? What happened?

You sound as though you want to get back together with him. Is that correct? What will it take to get back together? Do you know?

Any extra information that will help, feel free to share.

Let's go forward from the answers to these questions.

I see you are offline at this time. I may be in therapy session before you respond. If so, would in the evening (US time) be okay for me to respond?

Dr. Mark

Customer: replied 3 years ago.

Hi Dr Mark

Thank you so much for coming back to me.

We were together for 5 years and the reason why I broke up with him the first time was due to the fact that he cheated on me. I never really had the security in my heart that I felt safe with him as he was a flirt, he's always been like that. When I met him, he told me that he cheated on his ex - I decided to ignore that red light, purely cause that was his past. We then broke up for 4 months. During this time my father was extremely sick and we all knew my dad's time was close. As a little girl my biggest dream was to give my father the opportunity to hand me over to the man of my dreams on my wedding day. Two weeks before my father passed away, we arranged for a promise ceremony to give my father and myself the opportunity to share this wonderful moment together. My dad could barely stand and he did as it was just as important to him knowing that he's daughter will be looked after when he's gone. We made promises to look after each other, love each other.... and 2 weeks after my father passed away I sat down with my partner asking him whether he had any more secrets to share as I was ready to marry him. He then confessed that he cheated on me again, and this was close after my dad's passing. I then decided, that this is it. I had to find another place to live for me and my daughter.

This is now almost a year later and he has shown that he has changed. He went to church and got the help from the people there and have GOD in his life now. Till today, he's begged for forgiveness, admitted his mistakes which he is not proud of and is asking me to take him back for us to be together and a family again. It's hard for me to believe him as he has made so many promises before but disappointed me every time. I've realised that I still love him, but do you take someone back that cheated on you twice (what I know off) and was never there for me emotionally? He's always been a very depressed person and I've always been there for him during his troubled times, BUT when I needed him the most, when I was at the lowest point in my life, I was all alone...

We never knew each other's love languages and he's been investigating the meaning of love and learnt my love language for the past year, through research. He's showing me that he want to change, but can he really... you know they always say a leopard never changes it's spots. See I just don't have any guarantees??

I also don't know that if I do take him back, will I be able to TRUST him completely again? He travels a lot and that is part of his job, will I ever wonder where he is and what he's doing...

On the other hand, have I met this wonderful guy! We've been dating for 7 months now, but broke up this weekend because of silly things. I feel he's controlling and do not trust me, but he says he just wants to protect me and keep me safe and that I need to share my life with him. He feels that my decisions sometimes, just excludes his feelings. He does not like it when I meet with old friends without him as we are a couple and need to do things together - he feels like I always push him aside and put other people before him. He ALWAYS says that I'm TOO NICE, because I don't want to hurt other people's feelings, but I'd rather hurt his feelings. He reminds me of myself 3 years ago and see love and relationships exactly the way that I do. We have so much respect for each other and get along so well. It feels like... why can't I give him/us a chance and work on things in our relationship, but now I don't show that, because it was so easy to break up? I gave so much of myself in my previous relationship, just to get hurt. Is it because I'm so tired of fighting that I don't want to fight anymore for something that I really want. Is it because I'm hurt so deeply... of the being rejected, cheated on, losing a parent etc.

He went away for a week and is back on Friday, I feel that I need to make a decision when we see each other again, because what if I lose him forever?

I know I need to properly deal with the loss of my father, but feel that I need to make a decision as I know I need someone with me, to support me through this difficult process.

Looking forward to hear from you and any advice would be so much appreciated.

Kind regards,

Yolandi Mulder

Expert:  Dr. Mark replied 3 years ago.

Yolandi, thank you for the added information. It helps a lot. I believe I can now be of help with this issue.

First, let me say right away that I cannot make the choice for you between your ex-husband and your new boyfriend. You have to make that choice. But I can tell you that my answer is going to be friendlier to the ex husband than to the new boyfriend. Why?

Because the new boyfriend has a "warning bell" that I am very concerned is going off and that you are ignoring. And yes, so did your ex. We'll get to that in a minute. What is the warning bell?

Your boyfriend is controlling. This is harder to change than most other character attributes. Controlling men often are very charming at first and then they start to want their wife to have fewer and fewer friends until they are the only person in her life. Is he like that? I don't know. But this is the warning bell you spoke of.

But what about your husband? He also had a warning bell, infidelity. And that is also a difficult character trait to change. Yes, but he has done something you must respect. He has made an effort to change himself. Can people change?

Yolandi, if you believe in G-d and you are religious than you MUST answer that YES, people can definitely change! That is what is meant by a sinner returning to G-d. That the person has changed. And your ex says that he has changed. And you believe him that he has become religious. This is a good start. And he has asked for a chance to make the family you and he started a success. That is a good way to to be religious.

But can you trust him? So, you ARE hurt for what a person should be hurt about. And HE is doing what he needs to be doing when he has hurt someone who didn't deserve to be hurt. He IS earning his way back into your life and home and committing to being a man. Can he pull it off? Will he betray again his wife, family, G-d? This is not your question to answer, it is not my question to answer, it is no man's question. G-d unfolds the future as it happens, not in advance!


So your question is how do you have trust? How do you rebuild trust? But the answer is:

I want to give you a framework to ponder: You have to understand how trust works. Trust is not a GUARANTEE about the future. Trust is a mutual agreement among people. You can't ever be certain about what anyone will do in the future. So how do you trust in someone or anyone? You have to BESTOW trust in them.

 

To run away from the possibility of being hurt again is to also run away from the possibility of being in unity again. G-d does not run away from us. This man is offering you his repentance as surety. Your hope must be with G-d; your patience must be with your husband. Your trust must be in G-d's outstretched hand to protect you in times of distress. You must also know your own strength that your dear father gave to you. That you will be okay even if you will need to move on in the future. But your father had hope in this so you should also.

So this is your answer. You have no recourse other than through acting from faith. And whichever of these two men you choose, I will be on your side.

I wish you the very, very best as the future unfolds!


 

Please remember to click the green accept button. Feel free to continue the discussion; my goal is to get you the best answers possible. Bonuses are always appreciated! If I can be of further help with any issue, just put "for Dr. Mark" in the front of your new question, and I'll be the one to answer it. All the best, XXXXX XXXXX

Customer: replied 3 years ago.

Hi Dr Mark

 

Apologies for getting back to you only now.

 

Thank you for your advice an answer. I do however feel that it is contridicting. The res

Customer: replied 3 years ago.

Hi Dr Mark

 

Apologies for getting back to you only now.

 

Thank you for your advice an answer. I do however feel that it is contridicting. The reason why I say so, is because you say I must take a man that cheated on me twice back, but give up on someone that really truly loves me for me - even though he has his faults, but I know that he will never betray me. I ignored the red light with my ex, but you say that's okay. Look where it brought me.... But the red light with the new guy I must look at and not give him a chance. I gave my ex so many chances. Don't you feel I need to move forward instead of backward?

 

Looking foward to your reply.

 

Thank you

Regards,

 

It is not that I disagree with you, I just need to understand your answer better?

Expert:  Dr. Mark replied 3 years ago.
Yolandi,

You are asking very fair questions and I will try to answer. You are there and you see each of them and you know your heart the best, XXXXX XXXXX must use my answer only to help clarify for yourself what's in your heart and you think is the wisest course. Let me share with you what swayed me in giving my answer from what you wrote. Because there were things I sensed in what you wrote that gave me a sense of these two men.

The first thing that struck me is your sentence about your ex, "This is now almost a year later and he has shown that he has changed." Yolandi, this is a very powerful sentence from a woman who has been hurt deeply by a man the way you were by him. You didn't write that you think he may have changed perhaps. No, you wrote he has SHOWN that he has changed. And you gave some evidence. That he is going to church is very impressive and it was meaningful to you.

The other man you described in different ways. "I feel he's controlling and do not trust me, but he says he just wants to protect me and keep me safe". Yolandi, I am a psychologist and I deal frequently with women who have become isolated and abused by men who started out being charming and attentive and only wanting to "protect" the woman. The words you used were very VERY much a red flag for me. Not just a regular red flag. Because the words controlling and not trust me is what I deal with when a few years later the woman is isolated from all her friends and is scared. So, therefore, Yolandi I wanted you to realize how much these words you used were a different red flag for me and that's why I gave you an opinion in the first place.

Because usually I would not try to influence a woman in making a decision like this. It is a matter of the heart and you need to feel as if your heart was free to make your life decision. So now you have a clearer picture of how I see the two men and their CURRENT situation. You should now take what I say and see if it fits with how you understand the situation and let your heart respond and make your decision.

I wish you the very best, Yolandi!

Please remember to click the green accept button. Feel free to continue the discussion; my goal is to get you the best answers possible. Bonuses are always appreciated! If I can be of further help with any issue, just put "for Dr. Mark" in the front of your new question, and I'll be the one to answer it. All the best, XXXXX XXXXX


Dr. Mark, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5109
Experience: Dr. Mark is a PhD in psychology in private practice
Dr. Mark and 2 other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 3 years ago.

Hi Dr Mark

 

Thank you once again for your feedback and clarity on your answer.

 

Thank you for the explanation why you said what you said, I really appreciate it and understand it better now.

 

Thank you for your advice and effort you've put in to assist me in my troubled times.

 

Kind regards,

Yolandi Mulder

Expert:  Dr. Mark replied 3 years ago.
Yolandi, You are very welcome. You seem like a very fine person with a very good heart and I wish you the very best in making this decision. All the best to you, Dr. Mark
Customer: replied 3 years ago.

Thank you very much Dr Mark.

 

All I want is to be happy and those around me to be happy too.

 

All the best to you too and it was a pleasure chatting to you.

 

Regards,

Yolandi

Expert:  Dr. Mark replied 3 years ago.
Yolandi, You can't FORCE people to be happy around you. Be you and let your happiness inspire others. And if they are ABLE to be happy, they will gather inspiration from your happiness. All the best to you, Dr. Mark

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