Thanky you for adding additional information about your relationship and about your partner. I will try to adjust my assessment with the additional information that you have provided, as my goal is to help you. If you are not satisfied, do NOT accept my answer and ask for a relist.
His need for talking about himself, his general attitude and demeanor indicates that he has a Narcissistic Personality Disorder. the criteria for such a diagnoisis are:
Beginning by early adulthood, grandiosity,lack of empathy, and the need for admiration are shown in a variety of situations, of which at least five of the following exist:
- a grandiose sense of self-importance (exaggeration of abilities and accomplishments)
- preoccupation with fantasies of beauty, brilliant, ideal love,power, or limitless success
- belief that personal uniqueness renders the person fit only for association with or understanding by people or institutions of rarefied status
- need for excessive admiration
- need of entitlement (unreasonable expectations of favourable treatment or automatic granting of own wishes
- exploitation of others to achieve personal goals
- lack of empathy, or inability to recognise or identify with the feelings and needs of others
- frequent envy of others or belief that others envy them
- arrogance or haughtiness in attitude or behaviour
Perhaps I misspoke when I said he treats you "like rubbish" at times. How left you and ignored you for three weeks, pushed you out his door and gets unreasonably angry at you when you try to make your own points, doesn't sound like someone who treats you with value and certainly not like someone who cherishes you.
People with NPD do not generally go for counselling,and do not think that others are smart enough or good enough to help them, and either reject them, or do their best to show a different and false aspect of themselves to the counsellor so as to avoid facing reality. Don't expect him to get outside help. He does not think he needs it.
People with NPD have friends - of their own imagined calibre or worth - and can get along well and be quite sociable with certain paper. Others, who are beneath them, they hold with contempt, and find them and their lives boring (yawn).
It is good that you have at least one area of agreement - mutually satisfying sex - although it doesn't make you feel loved. This is a big plus on your list.
He is not, however, apparently interested in your life, your friends, your thoughts, your feelings, your pain and anguish, and the hurt and rejection and frustration that are a big part of your life, and he probably never will. He can ignore you for weeks at a time to show his power over you.
If you are willing to accept the state of affairs, then carry on and take the bad with the good. I understand that it is difficult to accept that you may be up against a wall here, and perhaps my bluntness in responding to you is too difficult to take in all at once.
If we were having a one-on-one session I would lead you to reaching your own conclusions in a more orderly way, but this brief therapy approach sometimes necessitates bluntness, and occasionally a negative response.
I do feel very much empathy for your pain and suffering. I know what it is like, first hand, to be in a relationship with a narcissist, and how destructive it can be on a relationship.
You still have the same two options: stay and endure or go and move on. Ending a relationship is difficult; hope beyond hope often springs eternal (called denial), and the details and uncertainties of the future loom large.
Consider both sides. Do some research on your own about NPD. I also recommend a good book on the subject available at Amazon UK and elsewhere:
- Enough About You, Let's Talk About Me: How to Recognize and Manage the Narcissists in Your Life by Les Carter
I hope that this additional commentary and information helps you. I highly recommend the book.
I do care about you and your well-being and hope that you can find some satisfying resolution to your predicament.
Sincerely yours,XXXXX NCC