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mindhealer
mindhealer, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 693
Experience:  Licensed in MD and am also a Board Certified Diplomate (Advanced Practioner) I have over 10 years experience
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I recently discovered my husband has been having an affair

Resolved Question:

I recently discovered my husband has been having an affair for nearly 3 months. It ended as soon as i found out. We are getting on great but have a problem during sex. His erection can last a long time (maybe upto an hour) but as soon as he tries to 'come' within minutes his penis goes down. Masturbation brings erection back but it still keeps going down. If maturbation is continued ejaculation follows but very rarely during sex with me. At first he said it didn't happen with 'the other woman' but as now said it happened twice, the first time they had sex & again half way through the relationship. I dont know which to believe. It upsets me & makes me feel i am not really the one he wants. Also 4years ago i had a elective bilateral mastectomy with reconstruction due to a strong family history of breast cancer. Could i possibly not be sexual attractive to him anymore? Is it because he still has thoughts of her in his head. Am i not as fulfiling as the 'new exciting girlfriend' who has not had any children & so wont have to fight with 'spare tyre' & wont have slackened vagina. Could it be guilty concience or could the fact that he was masturbating himself every 1 or 2 weks for 4 years before getting with 'the other woman' be the cause. He says he as always loved me even when he was seeing her. How can we sort this out, my husband is worried that he could have something wrong with himself, but i wonder if it is pyschlogical. It's the only thing in our marriage that isn't perfect now. Please help
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  mindhealer replied 5 years ago.
Good morning. First let me say that I am truly sorry to hear of the difficulty you're experiencing. I also wanted to thank you for the level of detail you included in your initial question as that really helps. It sounds as though what your husband is experiencing sounds like it's based on both anxiety and feelings of guilt that are displaying physically.

I've treated patients in the past with very similar presentations and it would grow evident that they would not be able to experience the ejaculation due to feelings of guilt that he is "not allowed" to experience pleasure having hurt you.

This particular presentation would need further evaluation face to face with w therapist given the subconscious nature of the presentation.

My other suggestion would be for your husband to see his physician in order to rule out any physical reason causing him to present with this particular problem.

Please let me know if you have any further questions or in need of additional clarification and I would be more than happy to address anything further you may have.

If I've answered your question to your satisfaction I would greatly appreciate your clicking the ACCEPT button thereby giving me credit for the answer I've provided. I hope this finds you well and look forward to your response.
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Is there anything else we can do ourselves before considering therapy? We have talked a lot about the affair. Would it be better to not mention it again so my husband can put it out of his mind, he says it rakes it up again when i ask questions? Should we refrain from making love for longer as he says he isn't really wanting to but does it to please me? I am so upset that it happens when he makes love to me but was ok with 'the other woman' except for two occasions
Expert:  mindhealer replied 5 years ago.

Good morning and thank you for your reply. In all honesty the things you are considering in your reply would not be addressing the problem in the least. They would simply be "sweeping it under the rug" and trying to pretend it didn't happen. What I've observed over the years is that couples who have attempted to manage an affair in this manner end up resenting one another. I can sincerely XXXXX XXXXX to do what is necessary to save your marriage though by your husband telling you that he doesn't want to talk about it and does it only to please you appears to be 1) minimizing his behaviors and the emotional toll it has taken on you; and 2) trying to redirect blame onto you. I still stand by my original suggestion of therapy as I feel that would be truly beneficial.

 

I can suggest trying a workbook to start off with. It's a couples therapy workbook that you both can engage in and work on. It's based on "Imago Therapy" which is widely recognized as one of the leading theoretical approaches to successful couples therapy. Here is a link to the workbook:

 

http://www.amazon.com/Getting-Love-You-Want-Workbook/dp/0743483677

 

The workbook will help you to come closer together and absolutely addresses intimacy issues. I would suggest you trying the workbook and the exercises within for a few weeks or so and see if there is any improvement. Having said that, It's evident that you are having considerable difficulty with managing the thoughts in relation to his engaging in the affair and not feeling desirable which is certainly understandable given the circumstances. I would suggest that you consider going to therapy to try and help you process the emotions that are flooding you and impacting your ability to cope.

 

If you decide to not choose therapy at this point I can suggest a workbook for you to try and work through things on your own to start off with. It's based on Cognitive Behavioral Therapy which looks closely at one's thoughts and the resulting impact on their emotional state and behavioral manifestations. I have a great deal of confidence in this workbook as it targets one's self esteem. Here is a link to that book.

http://www.amazon.com/Self-Esteem-Workbook-Glenn-R-Schiraldi/dp/1572242523

 

Please let me know if you have any further questions or if you need any further clarification and I would be happy to help.

 

If I've answered your question to your satisfaction I would greatly appreciate your clicking the ACCEPT button thereby giving me credit for the answer I've provided. I hope this finds you well and look forward to your response. I wish you the very best of luck!

 

 

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