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Dr. Mark
Dr. Mark, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5231
Experience:  Dr. Mark is a PhD in psychology in private practice
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My husband and I have been avoiding each other and having awkward

Customer Question

My husband and I have been avoiding each other and having awkward moments lately about sex. He has been very frank that he wants it in a certain way or its just not appealing to him. I'm not very sexy minded and he feels I don't care. Thats not true I just want a more caring and loving kind of love making. he wants it to be more erotic and spread my legs cock my head back and take his penis in my mouth kind of love. Tonight I tried to reach under the covers to please him and he said "No thanks".
Then he rolled over and went to sleep. This is very frustrating for me because I want to please him and at the same time I feel so empty inside. What can I do?
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Dr. Mark replied 5 years ago.

Hi! I believe I can be of help with this issue.

First, let me say that there seems to be some embarrassment working against your husband here. At the end of the day, you seem more able to discuss sex without embarrassment than he is.

And this is actually the key to my answer to you that you need to consider and think about. You need to be the one to take the next step here because of your openness. The next step is to diffuse the situation. If that doesn't work, then you may need to consider going to a couples therapist together if the two of you start growing more emotionally distant.

Your husband is now reaching the age where the male libido goes through changes that can be very unnerving for a man: it takes a little more active effort to want to go through the bother of having sex. That's a bit different than males have experienced before! So often, newer fantasies, more erotic actions, etc. become easier to respond to. And they are very reassuring. In the same way that the loving and caring sex is reassuring to you, the erotic sex is reassuring to him.

So your goal is to make it more lighthearted. You want to have both of your needs met, either in the same interlude or sometimes his way, sometimes your way. You might consider reading my answer to you together. You decide if it would be appropriate or threatening.

So the way to make it lighthearted is not during sex at first but when you are both feeling okay and not too tired and you can initiate a conversation. See if you can bring it up and state your sense of what is going on as another part of your loving journey together. Discuss what you like, ask about what he likes, get him comfortable talking.

Okay. Keep smiling during the conversation and let him know that you are not feeling bad about his new situation.

I wish you the very best!

Please remember to click the green accept button. Feel free to continue the discussion; my goal is to get you the best answers possible. Bonuses are always appreciated! If I can be of further help with any issue, just put "for Dr. Mark" in the front of your new question, and I'll be the one to answer it. All the best, XXXXX XXXXX

Customer: replied 5 years ago.
I think you have some very good points about his going through something.We both still love one another very much its just that I'm not as sexy as he would like.How can I be his whore at home and still feel accepted for the real me?I'm just as hard working as he is a teacher all day and I enjoy fun and loving too. He says I haven't done anything for him in 8 months.What he means by that is I haven't gotten out the toy dildos and worn stockings,high heels and sprawled across the bed in front of a mirror. He said most men have anal sex with their wives and cum in their mouths etc. This sometimes makes me sick when he yells at me and says these things. Is this normal? What can I do?
Expert:  Dr. Mark replied 5 years ago.
Okay, now it's starting to sound like it's getting extreme and unhealthy. He clearly is starting to have anxiety around his virility and needing a lot of fantasy acting out in order to feel aroused enough.

I think he needs to become aware that something has changed in him. All men (I'm sure there are some stray exceptions) rely on fantasy throughout their lives as part of their sexual being and sexual activity. Women do to, but men do to a great degree. But it is an auxiliary aspect of the outward sexual behavior in a healthy monogamous relationship. And it sounds as though this was the case for you two.

Recently, your husband has now found a need to make that fantasy part of sex have to come more and more into the outward behavior. And he is imposing it on his partner and not bringing it into the relationship as a need he has with his partner. This is a change in him and it is reflecting an increase in anxiety. And for his health and the wellbeing of the relationship he needs to be aware of this.

So it may be time for him to read my answer and accept that he needs to consider what I'm trying to teach him about and how he wants to address it. The most healthy way to address it is to take the sexual anxiety and channel it into closeness with you. How?

By suggesting things to you and seeing what might turn you on. By sharing and giving in sex again, he may actually find more satisfaction than by trying to be a taker and imposing his fantasies. Sharing with you and asking you to share with him his fantasy and doing it in a loving way will bring the anxiety down. And if not, then he knows for sure he needs professional help to deal with the anxiety he's feeling that is making him be demanding and dictatorial.

I wish you the very best!

Please remember to click the green accept button. Feel free to continue the discussion; my goal is to get you the best answers possible. Bonuses are always appreciated! If I can be of further help with any issue, just put "for Dr. Mark" in the front of your new question, and I'll be the one to answer it. All the best, XXXXX XXXXX