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Dr. Michael
Dr. Michael, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 2177
Experience:  Licensed Ph.D. Clinical Health Psychology with 30 years of experience in private practive and as a clinical psychology university professor.
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A former female workmate of my husband keeps sending soppy

Resolved Question:

A former female workmate of my husband keeps sending soppy emails to him. They are the type that we all send to close friends, should I be worried
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Dr. Michael replied 3 years ago.
Hello. I believe I can be of help to you with this issue.

Well your husband is being a bit dishonest at least, in that he is encouraging the interactions to continue. He is enjoying the correspondence with her and won't admit it, or doesn't want you to realize he is having at least a bit of an 'emotional affair' with this woman. So this is how I would frame this issue differently. Tell him that he is clearly having an 'emotional affair' with this woman [and cite the specific behaviors he engages in that tell you this]. Then tell him that when you 'signed on' to marry him, you did so with the understanding that neither of you would flirt with or engage in any form of a relationship with a member of the opposite sex that we wouldn't feel 100% comfortable involving the other person in. Tell him that the private emotional stuff that is going on with this woman is offensive to you because he is literally taking time away from you and your relationship---time you could be spending becoming more communicative and intimate. Also, tell him that his attempt to displace responsibility for the conflict in this situation onto you---his suggestion to you that you are being 'silly', is actually a bit insulting and disrespectful. Such an accusation merely means he is doing something he knows he shouldn't be doing. The proof of this is that he is keeping it more and more 'private'; and you resent having him try to diffuse the issue by suggesting you are being irrational or 'silly'.

What do you think?

Edited by DoctorMichael on 2/1/2011 at 2:54 AM EST
Customer: replied 3 years ago.

I think you are a very wise man.

 

I have told him that I found the communication upsetting as I wouldn't send these emails to another man. I did try to turn the tables by asking him to think how he would feel if I was to recieve the same emails from another man but he can't/won't see any problem.

 

Thank-you

Expert:  Dr. Michael replied 3 years ago.
Try the approach of LABELING the behavior as an emotional affair and emphasize the point that behavior such as this is NOT what you agreed to when you signed up for marriage. Tell him that this situation is alarming to you because you think that some serious differences exist in your core beliefs and values about being monogamous and having a marital relationship.

Now the tough part will come if he still brushes you off and does whatever he wishes---continues with the behavior pattern. How will you respond if you feel he is actually quite committed to having this 'freedom' to interact with other women this way?

Edited by DoctorMichael on 2/1/2011 at 3:12 AM EST
Customer: replied 3 years ago.

Thus comes the crux of it all, how much do I accept this behaviour.

 

Thank-you so much, you have given me a lot to think about.

Expert:  Dr. Michael replied 3 years ago.
If you want to find out if he is having an affair, you can secretly install a keylogger on the computer in the hidden or stealth mode. It will record all of his keystrokes on the computer and possibly, let you see what he is reading (some do, some don't) Here are some options.

http://www.keyloggerdownloads.com/

I hope this information is helpful to you. Let me know if I have overlooked any aspect of your question. Please hit the green Accept button at the bottom of the screen. Thanks.
Dr. Michael, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 2177
Experience: Licensed Ph.D. Clinical Health Psychology with 30 years of experience in private practive and as a clinical psychology university professor.
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