Hi! I believe I can be of help with this issue.
First, let me say I can imagine how confusing this situation must be for you. On the one hand your therapist may have just very forcefully shown you a glimpse she has of seeing into you, as you phrase it. But on the other hand this glimpse frightens you and makes you want to run away from your therapist.
And this is actually the key to my answer to you that you need to consider and think about. I would like you to take your question and my answer with you to therapy to use as a springboard for doing further work. I think it will be very useful to you to have her see our exchange. You are of course unique and no one has ever been exactly who you are. Your description of yourself, though, is very consistent with how Rachel Reiland writes of herself. And especially when you share how your therapist's being able to see into you makes you want to run away from her.
Because the fear of intimacy is the fear of being vulnerable. And that she may see into you makes you fear vulnerable. But this is also what intimacy is about. I am talking about human intimacy. Emotional intimacy. The closeness of human beings involves vulnerability. That is why so many women who have a history similar to your history or Rachel's history keep running away from relationships, even as they want them so much.
So, the opportunity for you here with your therapist is very real and important: that you can tolerate being a little vulnerable and TRUSTING this human being, your therapist. That you can tolerate that she sees into you and knows a little about what's inside for you. Staying in the therapy and tolerating this and trusting a little more is a very important step you can now take in therapy. So I urge you to try this step. In the same way that Rachel had to go through so many steps in her therapy, you are also going through your own steps. Let your therapist help you tolerate this new step of trusting her. Let it be exciting as much as it is scary to you.
Okay. I wish you the very best!
Please remember to click the green accept button. Feel free to continue the discussion; my goal is to get you the best answers possible. Bonuses are always appreciated! If I can be of further help with any issue, just put "for Dr. Mark" in the front of your new question, and I'll be the one to answer it. All the best, XXXXX XXXXX