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Arundhati
Arundhati, Counselor & Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 259
Experience:  Licensed psychotherapist, Published Wellness Author
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after 28 great yrs of marriage i find myself consumed with

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after 28 great yrs of marriage i find myself consumed with the the fact that my wifes only other lover was bigger than a porn guy. me just 7 at best. our sex is great and often... she loves me and has no complaints. i cant stop thinking of her only other lover some 28 yrs ago. its driving me crazy! i cant contol it. this started about 2 yrs ago and wont stop. it was not new info to me.both being loyal to each other since day one with no issues or complaints about our sex life.
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Arundhati replied 5 years ago.
Hello,

Thank you for writing in to Just Answer.

It sounds like your relationship with your wife has many plusses. It also sounds like this development of worrying about her ex's size has sprung up on you suddenly, as you knew these details before but it didn't worry you.

This sort of continuous thinking about a particular issue is often rooted in anxiety and when the thoughts take on an exceptional persistence and become sort of obsessive it is often regarded as a symptom of OCD or OCPD. Even though this is probably not a sign of OCD or OCPD in your case, I would encourage you to consult with a psychiatrist for a mental health evaluation. It is quite possible that your thoughts are originating from a place of anxiety and some anti-anxiety medication will immediately reduce the slew of these obsessive thoughts.

I would also recommend that you consult with a professional therapist - especially one who specializes in Anxiety issues and follows a Cognitive Behavioral (CBT) approach. CBT has been found to be especially effective in addressing anxiety, obsessive thinking etc.

I hope I have been able to provide some perspective. Please do let me know if you have questions/thoughts/reactions to what I wrote above.

Warm regards,

Arundhati
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
so this is in my head and not actual you are saying? as you mentioned we have many many pluses. like her un dieing love for me. that is so true. talking about the subject hurts her so we really cant she says it has never entered her mind since we have been together. i do have a script for zanax which helps but does not explain. am i just stuck in a loop that i need to get out of? is this a bad mental cartoon fabricated in my head on re run mode? how should i be thinking to become more stable? i trust what you say and this has already helped a bit. the questions i have may be more complex for this type of treatment but please give it a shot if you would...please. thank you i appreciate your help.
Expert:  Arundhati replied 5 years ago.
Hello,

Thank you for your response. Yes, what I'm saying is that since this matter does not affect your wife at all, i.e. it is never in her mind, and that since it didn't affect you before, even though you knew these facts, it really is a loop that you're stuck in that does not serve any purpose. This re-run that you're constantly doing of the same script, is not helping in any way, if anything it is disrupting your happiness, and impairing your normal functioning. Like I said, the root of this urge to obsessively ponder over something is often anxiety and that is why anti-anxiety medication can help. But clearly, that wouldn't be the cure. That is why, working with a professional to go to the heart of this anxiety, and to break out of this negative loop is critical.

Please do let me know if you have additional questions/thoughts to what I wrote.

Warm regards,

Arundhati
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