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Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5581
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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nearly 9 years ago, my husband was 57 and hit broadside wile in his car, by a man who went

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nearly 9 years ago, my husband was 57 and hit broadside wile in his car, by a man who went through a red light.
I cannot stop grieving. He is very cognitively impaired and because of that, had to be taken more than 2 hours away. I tried to take care of him at home for 2 years and he got very agitated with me and abusive.

He is the love of my life. I still see him and he knows me, but still gets agitated and doesn't remember much else but me.

I have been/am in therapy, but cannot seem to make friends or get into things in my community.

My children (adults) do not see why I am still depressed. It feels so awful to walk from one world into his residence and then back into my world.

Tried going on dates. I was very surprised that men are still (at my age) are still after sex right away.
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 3 years ago.

Hi, I'd like to help you with your question.

 

It sounds like you are still in mourning over what happened to your husband and the loss of your relationship with him. You also have the stress of having your husband change into a different person from the one you loved all those years. I would venture there might also be some guilt with having to move him to a facility, which is completely normal.

 

You mentioned being in counseling but I am curious how much grief work you have done. There are stages to grief including denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. You seem to be stuck on depression. It is normal for someone to get stuck in a stage. Sometimes you need to work on the feelings before you can move on.

 

Take a good look at what you think is keeping you depressed. Does it help keep you from having to socialize? Is there an issue from your past that is unresolved and needs to be explored? Is there guilt involved with trying to move on and be happy because of what happened to your husband? Is the stress of health problems contributing? All of these are possibilities and are completely normal to feel. You first need to face whatever you feel is the root of your depression then begin to work on moving out of this stage. Work with your counselor to see if he/she can help you recognize what might be keeping you depressed. Take small steps, like going out somewhere you really want to go to for a short period of time. It doesn't have to be an all night party. A short trip to a bookstore will do. Anything to get you out and a chance to have a little fun. Also try to surround yourself with support. Family, friends, anyone who will help give you support.

 

Here are some books that may help you. One is called On Grief and Grieving: Finding the Meaning of Grief Through the Five Stages of Loss by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross and David Kessler. Another is Wise Mind, Open Mind: Finding Purpose & Meaning in Times of Crisis, Loss & Change by Ronald A. Alexander and Lama Surya Das. You can find these at Amazon.com or your local library may have copies available.

All of the steps you have taken so far are very healthy ones and show that you are going in the right direction. Counseling, support groups and reaching out on Just Answer all show that you are emotionally healthy and have a good chance of recovering from your depression. Willingness to ask for help is a very healthy sign.

 

I hope this has helped you,

Kate

 

Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5581
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC
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Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.