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TherapistMarryAnn
TherapistMarryAnn, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5770
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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M husband is always procratinating on things like bills or anything important and it

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M husband is always procratinating on things like bills or anything important and it always puts me in the bad position of cleaning up his mistakes. I have tried talking to him and even had the Pastor to speak with him but he will make promises to do better and then does it again. Now I want out. I am fed up with having to pay reconnect fees,handle bill collectors or clear up his problems. We agreed to do everything together half anf half but now I am doing everything. In fact I feel like his mother. If I say something to him he feels like I am demeaning him or putting him down as a man. Please help. I am alone in my own home. What should I do?
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  TherapistMarryAnn replied 5 years ago.

Hi, I'd like to help you with your question.

 

I can understand your frustration. It is disappointing and hurtful to be forced to deal with your husband's procrastination after he promised to work with you. You sound like you have tried to help him work on his issues as well but to no avail.

 

It is hard to believe but most people procrastinate because they are self critical and perfectionists. They feel afraid they are going to fail so they don't try at all. Also, they may fear the thing they procrastinate about, such as in your case your husband may fear being overwhelmed by the bills so he avoids them. He also may be getting rewarded because he knows you will rescue him. You have to, someone has to pay the bills.

 

Procrastination can be fixed. It is a slow process and the person has to want to fix the behavior, but it can be done. First, determine if your husband is willing to get better. This is important because if he doesn't want help, nothing is going to work. You can tell him that you are feeling like you want out. Tell him in a neutral voice and try to be understanding but firm.

 

If he is willing to deal with this issue, then have him start by figuring out what is stopping him from doing the bills. Where does the lack of motivation come from? What is he afraid of or what is he avoiding?

 

Have him find a good place for him to do the bills. Don't go overboard, something simple with all the tools he needs and that is it. Have him start at a certain time and let him go. Don't be nearby. He needs to deal with the reasons why he is feeling this way and facing the task is one way to do this. You can give him a choice in how he approaches this as well and see if he follows through.

 

I highly recommend he also see a counselor for this issue. Talking with someone who can explore the reasons behind his procrastination would help a lot. Ask the counselor if you should be included or not.

 

There is also a book that may help you cope with your husband's behavior. It is called Procrastination: Why You Do It, What to Do About It Now by Jane B. Burka and Lenora M. Yuen. You can find it at Amazon.com or your local library may have it available.

 

I hope this has helped you,

Kate

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