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Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5581
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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Help, my heart is hurting so bad. My husband of 29 years told

Customer Question

Help, my heart is hurting so bad. My husband of 29 years told me tonight that he has strong feelings for someone else. He has not slept with her, but he has talked to her about his feelings and his plans to tell me.She is someone I thought was a friend which hurts even more. He said he has never felt this way about anyone including me. I don't want to lose him or this marriage. Help! What do I do now?
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Bill replied 3 years ago.

Bill :

Hello- Thank you for asking the question here at JustAnswer. I have read what you have written and am happy to respond.

Bill :

I am so sorry to hear about this. I have worked with couples for 30 years and the one thing that is positive about this is that your husband has told you before acting on his feelings. I know that this doesn't ease your pain much but this is a statement about strength of character on his part and just because some has strong feelings about someone else doesn't mean that you have to act on them

Bill :

So, what do you do?

Bill :

My suggestion for people in this situation is to get to a well trained marriage counselor ASAP. This will provide an arena to address this marital crisis and provide the necessary third party to help sort this out.

Bill :

If your husband is amenable to counseling, you can find a qualified therapist in your geographic area by clicking on the following link:

Bill :

This is certainly a crisis in your life, but do not give up hope.

Bill :

I wish you the best, XXXXX XXXXX as needed.

Bill :

Otherwise,

Bill :

PLEASE CLICK ACCEPT

Bill :

Thanks

Expert:  Bill replied 3 years ago.
As you were off line, I have answered above. Please respond as needed.
Best, Bill
Customer: replied 3 years ago.
I already knew those things. He is not open to therapy. He says for what? He feels this way and he's never felt this for anyone before. He doesn't want that part to change, he wants us to. Thank you for trying, but it didn't help.
Expert:  Bill replied 3 years ago.
Thank you for providing the additional information. I am sorry that he is unwilling to process this more than he has. If you feel the relationship is over, you should seek counsel for yourself if you feel the need, and also with an attorney.
I am curious about your reply. What answer were you looking for? I know I am just the messenger for many people in this circumstance but always like to know if there was expectation that I didn't fulfill.
I believe you have received the benefit of an expert response albeit not what you may have liked and therefore should show your respect by click accept.
Best, Bill
Customer: replied 3 years ago.
Relist: Other.
Did not help. I was looking for how I could deal and fight to keep him. I am not getting what I feel is worth the $35. and do not want to pay.
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 3 years ago.

Hi, I'd like to help you with your question.

 

I am sorry you are going through this with your marriage. It is heartbreaking and a shock when you learn your husband has strayed. You mentioned in your previous post that you are interested in reconciling with your husband. You also mentioned that your husband is not interested in therapy.

 

It sounds as if there is something going on with your husband. Married couples can have problems in their marriages, but there are ways to work out the problems without turning to others outside the marriage. Therefore, this issue is something your husband is dealing with. There is a time during midlife that men do go through a period of hormonal changes and adjustment. They often reevaluate their lives. This may be where your husband is at right now. Here is an excellent article about it to see if it fits your husband's situation- http://www.webmd.com/healthy-aging/guide/midlife-crisis-opportunity. If this is the case, then this may be what he is experiencing and can explain his behavior.

 

It is difficult to fix this without a counselor's help. I agree with Bill, it would be best for you both to attend marital counseling. However, since your husband is unwilling to do so, the best way you can try to work on your relationship is to talk. If your husband is willing, set aside some time each day to talk to one another. Ask him what he is feeling. You are trying to be open and responsive here without being too needy. Let him know that his actions hurt you and that you consider the behavior damaging to you and your marriage. Say this in a neutral and firm way.

 

Also, start caring for yourself. This has been a blow to your self esteem and you need a boost right now. Allow yourself to cry. Surround yourself with supportive friends and family, see a counselor yourself to help you, pamper yourself and most of all, be independent. Depending on your husband or becoming needy is a deterrent to your relationship right now.

 

There are several books that can help you right now to work on your marriage and help save it. One is called My Husband's Affair Became the Best Thing That Ever Happened to Me by Anne Bercht. Another is How to Get Your Lover Back: Successful Strategies for Starting Over (& Making It Better Than It Was Before) by Blase Harris. Also, Back from Betrayal: Saving a Marriage, a Family, a Life by Suzy Farbman, Burton Farbman, and Marianne Williamson. You can find these on Amazon.com or your local library may have them for you.

 

I hope this has helped you,

Kate

 

 

Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5581
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC
3899 Satisfied Customers
Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.