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Ask Selah R, M.S. LPC Your Own Question

Selah R, M.S. LPC
Selah R, M.S. LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 582
Experience:  Licensed Professional Counselor; over 13+ yrs exp working with adults, teens, & families/couples.
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Hi there...my relationship is i great danger. My boyfriend

Resolved Question:

Hi there...my relationship is i great danger. My boyfriend and i are at a stand off sexually. We have been together a year and are great except the sex. First off he has a large penis. He is not patient and does not ease it in. So i get sore very quick no matter how much lube. 2nd off..he masturbates a lot and has had erection issues his whole life.

The first time i noticed the problem was right away! The first 4 times we had sex he just stared at my breasts and never even looked at me. He claims he loves me but cant look at me during sex. If i ask him what he is thinking its about some more sexual position sometimes with another woman sometimes with me.

this hurt me as i felt like he has never just been in the moment and made love to ME. Ony some naughty non-existant version of me. He says all guys are that way. He was divorced 2 years back and says he never once was in the moment with his wife and only even thought about her a couple times in bed. And if he did he was always pretending she was doing something more and off fantasizing.

He is also very rough and takes him a very long time to get off and with the size i can't handle that hard of penetration. His wife was apparently a lot larger framed. When i tell him it hurts he seems to resent me for making him stop. He says he loves me and weve been together a year. Neither of us like the sex.

He also watches very disturbing porn...has admitted that it takes more and more twisted things to get him stimulated.

Is this normal are most guys like this? Should i worry? Can we work through it? Should i just let him have his fantasies and not care? Its not cheating right?
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Selah R, M.S. LPC replied 3 years ago.

Selah R, M.S. LPC :

Thank you for trusting JustAnswer with your important question.

Selah R, M.S. LPC :

It sounds like you might be dating someone with, or at serious risk, of developing a sexual addiction or porn addiction.

Customer :

What does this mean for my relationship...he says, "If I was with someone else they wouldn't care"

Customer :

and "it isn't a big deal"

Selah R, M.S. LPC :

I think you need to be cautious.

Selah R, M.S. LPC :

A man should care about if he is hurting or ignoring his partner during sex.

Customer :

He says he does when we talk about it and he has tried to make an effort. However, when he just thinks about me he can't stay hard and gets frustrated.

Selah R, M.S. LPC :

And it's not ok for him to be mentally caught up in porn or fantasy when he's having sex with you. That is a mental affair and an emotional barrier to you two having sex that is healthy and fulfilling for both of you.

Selah R, M.S. LPC :

That's what makes me think he's already got an addiction to porn, where the fantasy, imagery, and masturbation have become so ingrained in his ability to reach orgasm that he has difficulty reaching orgasm with "traditional sex."

Customer :

Do most men have porn addictions? How is this over come?

Selah R, M.S. LPC :

The fact that he admits that it's taking more and more "twisted" things to get him stimulated is the same as a drug addict that has to seek harder and more dangerous drugs to reach the same high.

Customer :

and he says some of the things he watches are a bit disturbing but probably pretty mild compared to other guys and whats out there

Selah R, M.S. LPC :

Most men use porn at times. Porn addictions are a huge growing problem that we seen in mental health, marriage counseling, and churches. It's destroying families and marriages at a faster rate than anything else we see in the field right now. It's become the hot new way to have an affair without having a "real" affair.

Customer :

I told him i feel like its cheating but he thinks im abnormal for feeling that way....and to me if i have to think about someone else to be stimulated sexually why would i be with him

Selah R, M.S. LPC :

That doesn't really matter. The problem is that you aren't enough, and sex isn't enough for him to have orgasm. He needs additional props, and what he considers twisted today will be boring a year from now... unless he really gets help and breaks the cycle.

Customer :

? He claims its a guy thing

Selah R, M.S. LPC :

It's a huge red flag for your and your relationship. It sounds like he's making excuses and blaming it as being a normal guy thing, when it isn't, because he doesn't want to have to give it up.

Customer :

Should he get counseling? Should i go with him? Could i be somehow making it worse? He says im the first girl he can focus on sometimes with out thinking about other things but that it still wouldnt get him off

Selah R, M.S. LPC :

If he's unable to work with a sex therapist or a therapist who works with porn/sex addictions, then you need to seriously consider getting out of the relationship so you don't realize 10 years and 3 kids later that this is a bad boat to be trapped in.

Customer :

and i think he resents me for not ignoring or adding to the addiction

Selah R, M.S. LPC :

No addict likes to be challenged, and no addict likes to face the fact that they have an addiction.

Selah R, M.S. LPC :

They like to think they are still in control, instead of the addiction now being the master in control of the show.

Customer :

Wow this is depressing...part of me was hoping i was just a prude or something.

Selah R, M.S. LPC :

No, trust your gut instincts. Something feels wrong because something is wrong.

Customer :

i mean i have had exes that look at porn but never felt ignored or like i wasnt enough for them.

Customer :

So next step would be offer counsiling if that doesnt help get out?

Selah R, M.S. LPC :

I can't tell you the number of wives I've worked with who wish they had paid more attention, or taken the porn more seriously, or listened to their own intuition much earlier in their relationships with men with sexual addictions.

Customer :

Do men often recover from this sort of thing?

Selah R, M.S. LPC :

Recovery is hard, and usually requires individual counseling and even group counseling aimed at addictions and pornography addiction in particular.

Selah R, M.S. LPC :

There are special support groups for men that deal only with this, and help keep each other accountable and out of the "well all men do it" lie.

Customer :

His sister is a meth addict, his brother is in AA, i guess i should have figured addiction ran in the family...just took this long to see his.

Customer :

Im in colorado do you recommend anywhere in particular?

Selah R, M.S. LPC :

But the first step is to find a therapist who can talk to you and him about what's going on, and really get to the bottom of if this is an addiction and can make clinical referrals for treatment or medication if needed to treat underlying mental health issues (like depression or anxiety issues).

Selah R, M.S. LPC :

Let me search for a moment

Customer :

I was raped and so i do have some hang ups sexually. I guess naturally i blamed myself. I suppose couples counseling would help us figure out whos issues are adding to what. I think maybe thats why im more sensitive that his ex wife was to feeling objectified.

Selah R, M.S. LPC :

Well searching Google for "porn addiction Colorado" brings up several groups and agencies.

Selah R, M.S. LPC :

But there is also an online database for counselors that is worth reading through for a counselor in your area:

Selah R, M.S. LPC :

http://therapists.psychologytoday.com/rms/

Customer :

Great i will look into that. Thank you so much.

Selah R, M.S. LPC :

You're welcome

Customer :

Should we stop being together sexually till we get this resolved? lately i havent wanted to have sex with him...he will sometimes do things for me and i have been to hurt to reciprocate.

Selah R, M.S. LPC :

That's really a call for you to make. It sounds like sex is already physically and emotionally unsatisfying and unsafe.

Customer :

i just feel not good enough and like he wont be thinking about me or appreciating me anyway..so let him handle it himself...but he gets very angry about this

Selah R, M.S. LPC :

It might be best for your self image and psychological health to say that until he can have sex with YOU, you're not going to have sex with HIM.

Selah R, M.S. LPC :

You deserve more than a man who can't have sex with you.

Selah R, M.S. LPC :

You deserve to be more than convenient, or a sex toy.

Customer :

He hates ultimatums he'll just say fine. hes pretty done with me anyway i think. He thinks its my fault and says hell find someone "who lets him be him" "and loves him for all his faults"

Selah R, M.S. LPC :

You are a human, flawed like all of us. But you still deserve more.

Customer :

Thank you so much. I really appreciate your time. I have a history of cruddy men and he is the first one who seemed to be a really great guy. This is the first time i really blammed myself in a relationship. You helped so much. I am not sure how to give you more than my balance but ill figure it out.

Selah R, M.S. LPC :

It's not easy to let a relationship break up, or to let him walk away. But in this case, it might be the healthiest thing for you for him to walk away if he won't take this seriously.

Customer :

I thought this was gonna be a stupid online scam actually.

Customer :

Thank you so much.

Selah R, M.S. LPC :

Well I'm glad you gave us a try!

Selah R, M.S. LPC :

G'nite

Customer :

You really get a lot of women dealing with this

Customer :

?

Selah R, M.S. LPC :

Yes, a lot more than I expected before I started doing marriage counseling.

Customer :

Me too thank you goodnight.

Customer :

Add Funds

Selah R, M.S. LPC :

I'm actually seeing porn addiction about 3 times as frequently as I'm seeing a face-to-face affair as the issue that brings clients in for relationship counseling.

Customer :

wow

Selah R, M.S. LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 582
Experience: Licensed Professional Counselor; over 13+ yrs exp working with adults, teens, & families/couples.
Selah R, M.S. LPC and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you

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