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Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5458
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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Am I being overly paranoid My husband has anger outbursts

Resolved Question:

Am I being overly paranoid? My husband has anger outbursts (not often, usually very sweet) mostly towards my teenage son (his step-son). I am noticing more and more that this is a trend. Every time he has an outburst, it is very out of proportion to what it should be. Each time, he has made me feel it was justified so I have questioned myself and thought maybe I was just being overly sensitive to it because of my past... Anyway, last week, he had an outburst over nothing as far as I'm concerned but he would say differently. He still says he is always just trying to "protect me" and that my son is always rude to me...It was over dogs fighting and I yelled get the dog. My son jumped up anxiously as everyone else did and he did yell "it's your f...ing dog" while trying to get to them. I know he should not have yelled or cursed but it was the dog fight that got us all anxious. Others were present including a 4 year old child. Without telling the whole thing since that would take too much space here, he got angry at my 18 year old son and was yelling and screaming in his face and trying to provoke him to hit him... Then he went into the bedroom and my son immediately went outside. The next thing I know, my husband comes out of the bedroom with a shot gun yelling and saying "where is he..." We could not calm him down. He went upstrairs looking for my son... This went on and of course my son was gone. Myself, a female family member and her 4 year old daughter were present as well and we were all very frightened. No one felt threatened or that anything was going on until my husband got angry. He says things to make me doubt myself. I just don't know. He even says "it wasn't even loaded..." I'm very confused and depressed now. I have not wanted to be around anyone or be involved with anything since this happened last week. I cannot shake this.
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 3 years ago.

Hi, I'd like to help you with your question.

 

I am sorry you are going through this. I do not think, given what you have said, that you are being paranoid at all. Matter or fact, I would encourage you to do more about this situation.

 

Your husband definitely has something wrong. People sometimes lose their tempers and that is normal. However, your husband is not only losing his temper, he is becoming violent and threatening, especially towards your son. This is dangerous behavior and could end up with someone getting hurt.

 

It would be a good idea if you encouraged your husband to see his doctor. He needs to rule out any possible physical problem that could be causing these extreme outbursts. Then your husband needs to see a counselor. He may not be willing to go, but try to convince him (with the help of other adults in your family, not your son). He needs treatment for this anger issue before it gets out of hand.

 

Be clear with him. Let him know, in a non threatening way, that his behavior is scaring you and you want to help him. Then see if he is willing to get help. Go with him if you think that will get him to go.

 

If your husband acts out again, especially towards your son, call the police immediately. It may go against what you feel like doing, but it would be better to let the police handle your husband than to have to deal with what could happen if your husband loses his ability to control himself and hurts your son, or someone else.

 

If there are any other family members who can help you with this situation, particularly someone your husband trusts, see if they will get involved. The more people who can convince him he needs help, the better.

 

I hope this helped you,

Kate

Customer: replied 3 years ago.
Thank you Kate. It helps to hear someone else tell me it not just me or it's not all my son's fault all the time. I feel like I'm stuck in the middle. Trying to be nice now but every time, he feels like it's someone elses fault. If I bring it up, he will say I am always defending my "prescious little boy." This is not true. I understand he is not perfect but no one is. And, yes, he needs to be more polite. I agree and would like to work on this but, I cannot convince my husband. I am being pulling back and forth like a rubber band. I don't know how to talk about it without it all starting over again. As far as family members, if I go to them, he will get more angry. My son made it worse already and told my parents, his father,... and my husband says he is manipulating everyone and getting everyone involved. I agree that I wish he would not have told everyone. Don't know where to start??
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 3 years ago.

In this case, it is a good idea to be cautious and careful. If your husband is blaming others for his behavior that is not a good sign. It transfers blame for his violence and threats to others and makes it easier for him to act out because it then becomes the victim's fault, and not his.

 

You may still want to get others involved. Tip toeing around what your husband wants to not set him off is going to leave your vulnerable to getting hurt. You need to protect yourself and your son. It is probably a good thing your son let others know what is going on. It is not manipulation to tell others you are in trouble and need help.

 

If your husband won't go for help, then go yourself with your son. Both of you need the support and you can find ways on how to cope with your husband's behavior.

 

Here are a few resources for you: http://www.healthyplace.com/abuse/transcripts/emotionally-abused-women/menu-id-52/

 

http://helpguide.org/mental/domestic_violence_abuse_types_signs_causes_effects.htm

 

Both of these sites will give you further ideas of how to handle this situation.

 

Kate

Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5458
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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