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Thanks for your question. I am changing the format of your question to Q and A as you are off line at the moment, which means you can read and reply when you are ready.
I would like to explain why this might be happening for you and then suggest who you could see in order to help this to go away. When a highly emotional experience happens, we get a belief lodged in the subconscious mind, which is often unnoticed, but can be very powerful in our daily life. The more we try to forget or push it down, the harder it tries to be noticed. These are the bad thoughts that you are receiving every few days. It is something within your mind that you need to deal with and let go of, so that it doesn't bother you any more.
You mention that the thoughts are about death - both a strong fear and also a wish for death. I am going to give you some examples of what may be causing this - it is very important for you to know that these are only examples - they are not to say these have happened to you - they are for you to read as examples - I would like you to think about what experiences you may have had in the past which may have brought you close to death (eg. an accident, an illness, an injury, a threat?) OR which might have encouraged you to want to die, perhaps by wanting to stay with a person (eg. death of a loved one, abortion, cot death, still born baby, loss of a child, or similar?). OR perhaps you have been in a situation that you have wanted or needed to exit so badly that you have said to yourself - "I would rather die than go through this" - some kind of trauma - rape, child abuse, or something bad. If you can say yes to one of these things above, I would suggest that this is the issue that you need to discuss in order to let these bad thoughts go. It is possible to discuss with a good friend and see if it brings relief - or you may need to see a therapist who can help you. If you have not experienced any of the above, that's fine, it just means that there is something in your subconscious that is trying to tell you something, that you are consciously not aware of. Again, a therapist can help you to find this. Have a look at a therapy called EMDR, which stands for Eye Movement Desensitisation and Reprocessing, more info at www.emdr.com It is a trauma therapy and can help you to let this go. Alternatively, seek a Thought Field Therapist who can help you to collapse the beliefs about death that you are holding
(even if you don't know that you are holding them and if you don't know what they are). The therapists are trained to help you to locate them and let them go. I do hope this is useful for you - I am happy to discuss further if you wish. You don't need to suffer with this - it's OK (and good!) to let it go. Best Wishes, Sarah
Thanks for your reply - I need to clarify a few things for you so you do not worry so much. Your papa's health is surely what is worrying you and concerning you at the moment. It is very hard for you now you are a long way from him and you are doing all that you can for him. Tell yourself positive things - that you are doing everything that you can for him from such a long way away.
Now, you say that you have had a fear of death all of your life. So there is probably another memory, far far back in your life, that involved death, or fear of death, or losing a loved one, and I would suggest that the concerns about your father's death are bringing up other worries and anxieties, and bad feelings, from the past. I do not know what this original memory could be - you may be able to recall?
Please hear me when I say that your words and your thoughts are not going to bring about your death - they are linked to the belief that you 'walk between life and death' (your words) but you are not going to die because of them. They are encouraging you to believe this, which makes you very anxious.
Now I want you to do some tapping on your body - using your fingers on your right hand, tap on the side of your palm on your left hand, between the base of your little finger and your wrist and say to yourself 5 times, "Even though I am worried about my papa, I am not going to die". Change over your hands (tap the edge of your right hand using your left fingers) and say 5 times, "even though I am scared of death, I am not going to die". You may feel your body tingle - this is the release of the energy that is holding these beliefs. If you cannot see an EMDR therapist, have a look on the internet for EFT - Emotional Freedom Technique - it is very easy - you have just done some of it. Repeat these exercises every time you feel the bad feelings and it should help them to go away. You are a very brave lady and I want you to know that you can take control of your stress. You cannot, ultimately, stop your papa from dying one day, as none of us can stop this from happening to those we love dearly, but your papa will know that you care about him and this will comfort him across the miles. Take care now, remember your exercises and have alook at this site for EFT - http://123eft.com/ Feel free to reply, if my answer has been valuable, please press accept. Best Wishes, Sarah