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Luann
Luann, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 158
Experience:  Licensed Psychologist, 24 years experience working with children, adolescents, families and adults.
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My sister is trying to help me overcome the pain of a break-up.

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My sister is trying to help me overcome the pain of a break-up. As I am telling her stories about our relationship, she did some research and we think my ex may be a narcissist. I am having trouble getting over the break-up and I guess I am trying to find something to wrap my arm's around to have it all make sense. I am wondering if looking at him in a different light might help. Quick rundown . . . he always needs to be right. I never, in three years, won an argument. He never said he was sorry or wrong about anything. He wanted to control my moods, wanted to know why I wasn't acting sparkly and bubbly, would get angry if I didn't talk enough or seemed too quiet. He had no patience at restaurants, movies, couldn't tolerate standing in line for anything. Drove fast always and couldn't tolerate traffic. He picked the restaurants, the movies, what we did and where we went. He would ask me where I would like to go and it always would end up being where HE wanted to go. Why even ask me? Or if we did go to my suggestions - he wouldn't really enjoy the place. In three years he wanted me with him at all times but never - ever could he tell me he loved me. I feel like I am going crazy trying to get over this guy. Please - any information would help.
Submitted: 6 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Luann replied 6 years ago.

Luann :

Hello

JACUSTOMER-afn860of- :

Hello - thank you so much for responding.

Luann :

From your description I would say that your ex-boyfriend is an "ass". Sorry not a clinical term.

Luann :

He sounds very self-centered and while that is a common element of narcissistic personality disorder, personality disorders are difficult to diagnose without a lengthy history. A pattern of this type of behavior is an essential component.

JACUSTOMER-afn860of- :

Bless you. I am really having a hard time with this -- almost to the point of feeling like I am going crazy.

Luann :

The other thing I hear you describing is a lot of controlling behavior. It sounds like he was emotionally abusive to you. Men who are emotionally abusive will make a woman feel crazy. She will doubt herself and her reality, this gives him more power.

JACUSTOMER-afn860of- :

If I didn't laugh often enough, didn't sound happy enough, talk often enough I was in trouble. If I tried to stand up for myself he would get angry and blame me for spoiling the evening.

Luann :

A good book about emotionally abusive relationships is - The Verbally Abusive Relationship: how to recognize and how to respond by XXXXX XXXXX.

Luann :

You are very lucky to have gotten out of that relationship before any physical abuse happened.

JACUSTOMER-afn860of- :

I was sticking to the no contact rule and hadn't talked to him in over a month. Now of course, after dumping me, he wants to "stay in touch." I need to get my hands on the book you suggested and get all the strength I can muster to stay away from him. Of course now he is turning of the charm . . .

JACUSTOMER-afn860of- :

sorry - turning on the charm . . .

Luann :

Very typical for the charm to be coming. He is playing with you. Be clear with him that the relationship is over and you do not want to stay in touch. You deserve to be treated with respect, get past this man so you can find the kind of relationship that you deserve. Use your friends and family to assist you in being strong. Make a list, like the one you wrote to me, of the disrespectful ways that he treated you. Look at it when you need extra strength.

JACUSTOMER-afn860of- :

Thank you. I am trying.

Luann :

Now is the time to stay busy, start a new hobby/activity or restart an old one. If you find you continue to struggle, consider therapy. Get all the support you can right now.

JACUSTOMER-afn860of- :

Its so dang hard -- I hate this!

Luann :

It will get better, hang in there. Good luck to you!

Luann and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you

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