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Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5418
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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i recently found out my husband of 11 yrs was having a sexual affair - the affair is over

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i recently found out my husband of 11 yrs was having a sexual affair - the affair is over
in the process i also discovered he has a female co-worker -that he has been very close to - talking on the ph for hours on end- up to ten time's per day - i call it an emotional affair - this has ended as well
I am having a DIFFUCULT time emotionally - have seen a therapist & taking antidepressants -nothing seems to help me get over this - he says he wants to save our marriage - i say why?
my therapist says i have a good husband who made a bad choice and that we should work it out- i have NEVER had issues w depression - but now I'm at an all time low - the depths of despair cause me to stay in bed all day - crying for hours
the anxiety the sadness the betrayal is there the moment even before i open my eyes in the morning - will it ever go away
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 3 years ago.

Hi, I'd like to help you with your question.

 

I am sorry to hear you are going through this issue in your marriage. Affairs are difficult at best and undermine the trust issues in a marriage, which is the most important part of a relationship.

 

After reading your post, it seems that you are saying you are not sure you want to continue the marriage. That may be where you want to start with this situation. It would be completely understandable if you wanted out of the relationship. Your husband was having two affairs and considering that one affair is difficult enough to deal with, you may be feeling overwhelmed and unsure of what to do. It is preferable that people stay together, but not always beneficial to both people.

 

I'm also not so sure that people can get over affairs in their marriages, especially if this is new and just happened. It takes a while to build trust again and how fast it comes back varies from person to person. It also depends a great deal on how you feel about staying in the marriage and how much your husband is doing to repair the marriage. There is no way to just decide that by the fifth month for example, you will be able to trust him again. Nor will any certain activity or action on his part bring trust back into your relationship. It comes slowly and usually after a lot of work on the marriage.

 

The therapist can have an opinion that you and your husband should work this out, but unless you agree, that opinion is putting pressure on you to conform to what they want.

 

In order to feel better and start recovery of the relationship, you need to be able to express your feelings about what happened. A therapist should guide you and be a neutral person helping to be sure the communication between you both is productive and helpful. There also needs to be complete honesty from your husband. He also needs to account for his whereabouts, not necessarily every minute, but more than he would normally until you feel comfortable trusting him. Also, you need to be able to discuss anything that happened during those affairs. Your husband, when he had those affairs, broke the marriage vows and basically placed you in between him and the other women. This needs repaired by total honesty.

 

Lastly, your self esteem has most likely taken a big hit with this issue. Take care of yourself. Talk with trusted friends and family. Go out and have fun. Pamper yourself. Do anything (within reason!) you feel will help you feel better about yourself. This will help you make better decisions and get a different outlook on your situation.

 

I hope this has helped you,

Kate

 

 

Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5418
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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