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Sarah
Sarah, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 143
Experience:  Chart'd Psych, 12 yrs exp. English prisons, Clinical Hypnotherapist, EMDR Therapist, BPS, HPC reg'd.
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My fiance came home around 11 p.m. one night, turned on the light and told me to

Customer Question

My fiance came home around 11 p.m. one night, turned on the light and told me to give him back his ring, his keys and get out, he started telling me about things I did wrong 4 months ago, things he has never ever talked to me about! This totally came out of no where. We were together for almost 2 years, everyone was jealous of our relationship, he treated me amazing, everything was perfect..or so I thought. He ignored me for a month, he wouldnt talk to me, he wouldnt see me, nothing! So I started blaming myself for everything, which brought my self esteem down alot. I feel lost, empty, worthless, I dont know who I am anymore. I thought this was going to be the guy that I was going to spend the rest of my life with and now I dont know what to do. I dont have friends anymore because we had the same exact friends. He told me needed time to think and then I recently found out that he is already talking to another girl, which makes me feel even more worthless. How do I move on from something like this? Ive been thinking about seeking a therapist but I dont know if it would help
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Dr. Kaushik replied 3 years ago.

Dr. Kaushik :

Hi there,

Dr. Kaushik :

Welcome to Just answer !

Dr. Kaushik :

Well, first of all i would like to say that i am really sorry to know about this unfortunate turn of event in your life , but i would like to add here that it is quite possible that while you thought that your relationship is going strong with your fiance , he had started seeing and got interested in some other girl , and just by blaming you for the failing of relationship , he just used you as a scapegoat to put all the blame upon you for the break up , despite him possibly being the one who cheated in the relationship.

Dr. Kaushik :

So, i would say that although it must have been heart breaking bitter experience for you as all your dreams must have come falling down , but if you try to bring things into perspective , you would realize that your fiance did not deserve you and what happened here , by default would do good in future , because if this kind of incident had happened after marriage , then you would have got devastated completely , so please stop putting blame on yourself and if possible talk to him one last time and ask him and clarify with him the actions of his like seeing another girl so soon and also ask him that he should honestly tell you whether he had started seeing someone before he broke up the engagement , i am sure now that he thinks he has gone past you , he would reveal the whole thing , and this would help you to learn that he was the one at fault and not you and thus you would come to terms with crrent status of your relationship with him and would be ready to move on in life .. And if it so happens that he says that there was no other girl involved , then even then a proper explanation of his actions would help you to gather courage to accept that it is over and you should also move on in life ..

Dr. Kaushik :

While you talk to him , on a personal level i would suggest that you shall continue working with the personal trainer , with due respect to the trainer's ability , i would suggest that it would be better if you can seek help from a psychotherapist and start on a short brief period of psychotherapy / counseling , which will give you the mental strength to take on this break up heads on and to put this behind you and see towards the future..

Dr. Kaushik :

I hope this helps..

Dr. Kaushik :

Wish you all the best..

Dr. Kaushik :

do you ahve any other query...

Dr. Kaushik :

do you have any other query..

Dr. Kaushik :

If you have no other query and feel satisfied with the answer , then kindly press the ACCEPT button so that i can be credited for my service.

Dr. Kaushik :

Regards..

Customer: replied 3 years ago.
Relist: Answer quality.
Not specific enough. Just want alittle more!
Expert:  Sarah replied 3 years ago.

Hi there,

 

I hope my answer can give some more specifics for you. When we experience something that is highly emotional, the subconscious mind can absorb a belief about ourself that can have a very powerful effect on how we live from there on in. The memory of the events still holds the emotions locked inside the subconscious mind. You can tell if this has happened because the memories are still very strong and thinking about them brings the emotions back. If this seems right for you, then I think your thoughts about seeing a therapist are good ones and you could let this go, so that it doesn't affect relationships in the future. Both of the therapies I am going to recommend aim to collapse the irrational belief systems that may have built up as a result of the incident (eg. I am lost, empty, worthless). The first is EMDR, Eye Movement Desensitisation and Reprocessing, which may take a while and requires a considerable amount of input from yourself, your reward being that you understand what happened and how it affected you. The second is TFT, Thought Field Therapy, which is quicker than EMDR, requires less input from you but then gives back less of an understanding of how it all came about. EMDR simulates the natural process of eye movement to process away your emotional memories, as we do naturally at night time - TFT generates your body's own energy in a thought field and the therapist taps your body in different places to allow your body to collapse the beliefs. There are never any guarantees in any therapy, but both of these can be very powerful and the effects can transform the way that you think and feel, because the past is left in the past and the future becomes bright again. You find more info about EMDR at www.emdr.com and you can find more details about TFT on the web. I do hope you find one of these therapies useful. With very best wishes, Sarah

Customer: replied 3 years ago.
Relist: Answer quality.
I wanted more input about her thoughts on what I was going through. that was a great recommendation for therapy though!
Expert:  Sarah replied 3 years ago.

Hi there,

 

Sorry, that wasn't clear from your original question - see if this helps.

 

I think you were going through shock, trauma (read: highly emotional situation that was beyond the expectations of your life) that was unforeseen; particularly hurtful because it came from a person that you thought you knew well, that you had chosen to spend the rest of your life with. I think this could encourage you to question your own opinions on choices, particularly of men - what is really going on in their head? How do I trust again? Not only that. he took away your friends, so you had 'no-one'. He has given you no answers and has tried to blame you - because he has given you no reasons and you are someone who needs to know the answer to the question 'why?' you would rather blame yourself than go without a response. This leads to your conclusions (irrational feelings in that they are not true, but they make sense given the situation) that you feel "lost, empty and worthless". Your statement that you 'do not know who I am any more' is very insightful and I believe this taps into the possibility that you are not able to trust your judgments - "I was SO wrong, and there were no warning bells, what if it happens again?" By exploring this in your own terms and identifying with your own actual beliefs though therapy, you would be able to let it all go. Alternatively, write a question on a piece of paper and place it under your pillow when you go to bed. Ask yourself the question as you fall asleep and see if you can recall your dreams in the morning. This technique can help you to process away the occurrence naturally - if it creates a nightmare for you, this signifies that your mind is trying to process it but it is too raw for it to do so, then I really would recommend therapy. The answers are truly all within yourself, only you can find and accept them - I hope that helps... Best Wishes, Sarah



Edited by Sarah on 1/18/2011 at 9:26 PM EST
Sarah, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 143
Experience: Chart'd Psych, 12 yrs exp. English prisons, Clinical Hypnotherapist, EMDR Therapist, BPS, HPC reg'd.
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Sarah
Sarah
Chartered Psychologist / Hypnotherapist
143 Satisfied Customers
Chart'd Psych, 12 yrs exp. English prisons, Clinical Hypnotherapist, EMDR Therapist, BPS, HPC reg'd.