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Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5401
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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I am a 50yr old women who is younger looking and young at heart.

Customer Question

I am a 50yr old women who is younger looking and young at heart. I met a man 25 and we ended up in a 3 1/2 yr relationship. We are far from jerry Springer people. he is a firman and i am a flight attendent. We lived together, wen to counseoling to battle the age difference and really had an amazing connection. we traveled, shared expenses, and just enjoyed life. He recently had an affair and broke up with me. I know he is not coming back. we tried to be friends,,, easier for him then me. We now have no contact. Its been 3 months. he is still seeing the girl who is much closer to his age. I have so much pain. i feel like we really had a great relationship. People everywhere commented on our happiness. What happened? I cant get any communication out of him. I just cant shake the pain. I saw he sent her flowers with the exact same sentiments on flowers he sent me in the past?? Help Im engulfed in the pain. We had an amazing sex also..we met when he was 21 and I was 47.. we moved in together after 1 year. I know its crazy sounding... but honestly we had an amazing life...so I thought.
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 3 years ago.

Hi, I'd like to help you with your problem.

 

I need to clarify what you are asking. Are you looking for answers on how to get over the relationship and how to deal with how you feel? Or are you asking something else?

 

 

Kate

Customer: replied 3 years ago.
I guess Im looking how to make sense of this all and how to move on since he wont have any contat with me.. Wondering what happened, how you go from something so amazing one day to an affair and then no contact. I just dont understand... so painful...i guess if I had something bad to take away i could justify.
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 3 years ago.

The answer lies within your ex boyfriend. For some reason, he decided to end the relationship. He chose not to tell you which is one of the problems. He also is using the same expressions of love on his new girlfriend. That is suspicious.The fact that he cut off your relationship, moved on and now will not speak with you at all is very odd.

 

You are right. A relationship that ends in this way is hurtful and confusing. However, your ex's behavior says a lot. Enough so I suspect that he has some issues you were unaware of such as a mental health problem or some other emotional issue. If you cannot find anything you feel he was reacting to in your relationship with him, a mental health problem or emotional issue are the only things that could cause such a reaction.

 

Most relationships end with each person at least mostly understanding what happened to break them apart as a couple. Also, most relationships have a process of breaking down. Each person can respond to the break up either by getting help or responding another way.

 

It is ok for you to feel the way you do. It was a shock and it was unexpected. You may be in mourning over the relationship as well. Give yourself time. Gain support through trusted family and friends. Go out, pamper yourself. Your self esteem is low from this and you can get a boost by treating yourself well.

 

If you find that after a few months you still feel this way, see a counselor. Your doctor can refer you or if you attend church, your pastor can help. You probably only need short term therapy just to help you cope.

 

Here is a book that may help you. It's called Coming Apart: Why Relationships End and How to Live Through the Ending of Yours by Daphne Rose Kingma. Amazon.com has it available or your local library may have a copy.

 

I hope this has helped you,

Kate

Customer: replied 3 years ago.
Do you think that there was such an age diference and that he had friends who did not understand our relationship so they shared their negative opinion which contributed to his decision? I wish he would just let me understand what happened, it would bring such closure. instead he was all over the map. I did something very child like, I shared with the new girl that he was still coming over and engaging in sexual behavior with me. this is when he stopped talking to me and she said she was done with him, however I see it is not true..hence, he still sees her. I guess Im just venting, I dont really have many to talk to. I pretty much engulfed myself in this relationship. Will he ever come back? Is no contact smart? Thanks for the ear....most people give me the same tap.. he was too young, and yes I agree, but the counselor we saw said she saw why I was attracted and that he was much more mature beyond his age.
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 3 years ago.

People can be compatible no matter the age, though friends and family can sometimes point out age differences and cause conflict. But if the relationship works for the couple, then age isn't a factor and others' opinions can't affect the relationship to that extent.

 

It sounds like you did what you could to keep the relationship going. One mistake, such as you made, should not end a relationship. People make mistakes in relationships all the time. After the additional information you gave me, I still believe there was something going on with your boyfriend and not with you or the relationship itself. You can chose to go with that explanation or even based on the information you do have make a best guess on your own about what happened, but you will probably have to create your own closure on this relationship.

 

I would recommend you move on. If he is showing no signs of wanting contact and no interest in repairing your relationship, you are risking getting hurt again if you try contacting him. Focus on yourself and repairing your own self esteem. The more you can do this, the better off you are and the more the relationship will fade into the background. Sometimes you have to chalk it up to experience, let yourself mourn and move on.

 

Kate

Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5401
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 3 years ago.
Thank you very much.. I just needed someone to talk to!
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 3 years ago.

You are very welcome! I enjoyed working with you. Take care of yourself and please know JA is here in case you need anything.

 

Kate

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