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Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5467
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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I HAVE 3 KIDS..16YR OLD BOY..18 YR OLD DAUGHTER..24 YR OLD

Resolved Question:

I HAVE 3 KIDS..16YR OLD BOY..18 YR OLD DAUGHTER..24 YR OLD SON...BOTH BOYS HAD ISSUES WITH DRUG USE AND PROB. WITH THE LAW...ALL IS CALM NOW AND I HOPE THEY HAVE LEARNED FROM MISTAKES..MY BIG ISSUE NOW IS WITH MY DUAGHTER WHO JUST TURNED 18 LAST MONTH..SHE IS DISRESPECTFUL AND FEELS NOW SHE CAN COME AND GO AS SHE PLEASE ON WEEKENDS AND STAY OUT AT HER FRIENDS HOUSES ALL WEEKEND..HER FATHER AND I GET ANGRY AND TELL HER SHE CANT DO AS SHE PLEASES AND NEEDS TO GET HOME AT NIGHT.. SEVERAL MONTHS AGO I HOME DRUG TESTED HER..IT WAS POSITIVE...BEGGED HER TO GO TO COUNCELING..SHE REFUSED SAYING IT WAS ONE TIME THING. I DONT BELIEVE IT AND SEE A CHANGE IN HER BEHAVIOR EVEN MORE..I AM SCARED TO DEATH WHEN SHE IS OUT OF HOUSE BUT SINCE SHE IS 18 I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO..SHE KNOWS SHE CALLS THE SHOTS RIGHT NOW..AND MY NERVES CANT TAKE THE STRESS ANYMORE...I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO..PLEASE HELP
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 3 years ago.

Hi, I'd like to help you with your question.

 

You have some choices when dealing with your daughter.

 

First, you can let her stay in your home based on the condition that she seeks help. If she is using right now, it sounds like she might be in denial. As you probably know, that is the toughest stage of dealing with drug use. However, since you are supporting her, she must follow the rules of your house and if the rule is no using, then she has no choice. Also, is she in school or is she working? If she is doing neither, then she must choose one. She cannot stay and freeload from you. These are some of the rules that you need to enforce, if you have not done so already.

 

If you impose rules and she choses to stay, then she must get treatment. Start with an evaluation to see if she is using and what other issues are going on. Let her know that whatever is recommended by the therapist she must follow. If she does not, then she must leave.

 

You can also tell her to leave now. This is not the best option, but it lets her know you will not tolerate her behavior. She is an adult now and therefore is responsible. This is the hardest choice, but it does let her be the most responsible.

 

Unfortunately, you have to draw a line with her behavior. She is not going to respond to anything else but rules and your willingness to stand behind them. If you find that her behavior is becoming too stressful for you, seek out counseling for yourself. You can use the support for yourself and also it will give you a chance to work out the best solution for you and your family. One place you can start is http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/. You may already know about this organization from your sons' experiences, but it never hurts to seek out help again. Also, your local community mental health center is a good place to go for therapy.

 

There are also some good books for you to try. One is called Don't Let Your Kids Kill You: A Guide for Parents of Drug and Alcohol Addicted Children by Charles Rubin and another is Choices and Consequences: What to Do When a Teenager Uses Alcohol/Drugs by Dick Schaefer. Both of these books can help you gain better insight on how to handle your daughter's situation.

 

I hope this has helped you,

Kate

Customer: replied 3 years ago.

yes.my daughter is a senior in high school but hanging out with people out off school already..she introduced me to one girl in particular who is 20 yrs old with own apartment ...they are going to a bar in the area where the "jersey shore" filmed ..she says "mom..if ur underage they put a wristband on u so i wont drink,,its just fun to hang out and dance" she said leave door open if i cant sleep at my girlfriends and i will be home around 1am or so...i said no thats too late because she is off school tomorrow MLK day..my husband wants to handle this screaming and "telling her she cant stay out all weekend" that obviously will not work..spoke to the oldest son who put me through hell at 18 too.. he said to tell her if she cant abide by the rules tell her to go..that she wont have her job (part time ) or a car..but the thought of that and the worrying that would come with that makes me sick to my stomach...she refuses and counceling because she says she isnt doing anythging and wouldnt go...please..given these circumstances...what do u suggest i do...not quite sure if she will be home tonight or not..wont sleep for work tomorrrow that for sure

 

Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 3 years ago.

You still have the same options as we talked about. You can either let her continue the behavior and do nothing, or you can impose rules, as your son suggested, and have her comply. You are the parent here and she is the minor. She cannot have a say so in what she does unless she is paying for her room and board at your home, or is out on her own paying her own way. It is stressful to have to go through this, but it is the only way this situation is going to be resolved. Otherwise, your daughter is going to keep ruling the situation and causing you to feel the way you do right now.

 

You also may want to consider therapy for yourself. It would help you work out the issues you have with your daughter's behavior and also help you pinpoint ways to help yourself cope with the stress you have been through.

 

Kate

Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5467
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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