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Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5425
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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My wife has kept a secret from me for 19 years; that I am not the biological father of our

Resolved Question:

My wife has kept a secret from me for 19 years; that I am not the biological father of our oldest daughter, who is now 18. My wife was 3 months pregnant when we married. We had lived together for a year before marrying. I am 100% certain that I have been deceived because 15 years ago I overheard a snippet of conversation between my wife and her best friend regarding how well our daughter had bonded with the unnatural father. When I confronted my wife with this I allowed myself to be convinced that I had misunderstood. Recently our daughter donated blood at college and found herself in a narrow blood group. She came home and told me what type and asked me for mine, I told her before thinking about implications. My wife tells our daughter and me she doesn't know her own type, however I believe I recall it, and it would need to be different than it is, for me to be considered as a possible sperm doner. Wanting validity I sent DNA samples of myself and my daughter to an accredited DNA tes
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 3 years ago.

Hi, I'd like to help you with your problem.

 

What I believe you are asking here, and correct me if I am wrong, is what to do with the results of the DNA test. Can you clarify?

Customer: replied 3 years ago.

Here is the balance of my innitial question that you may not have received.

Wanting validity I sent DNA samples of myself and my daughter to a lab. Results show I am excluded (0% chance) as being the biological father. I feel obligated for my daughter to know this, and for my wife to be free from her secret. We have a 16 year old daughter also, and I’m afraid a wider divide will be created between her and her mother. My wife and I are apart 8 months now since she asked for divorce for reasons hard to justify. She is in a relationship with another man. I am close to both daughters and they live with me. Can you advise on how to move forward? amongst other things I would like direction on what to do with the DNA results, and how to approach my wife without destroying what's left of our relationship, and without her having an opportunity to privatly tell our daughter the truth and adding her peresonnal spin on this.

Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 3 years ago.

There are a couple of options for you.

 

You can approach your wife, let her know you had the test done, and that you want to discuss it with her. She probably is not going to be happy about it, but that is something you both will have to talk out. You can also add to your discussion that you want to be the one to tell your daughter(s) about it. However, since they are her biological children, she may balk at this. Let her know how strongly you feel about it and see if she will agree.

 

Another option is telling your daughter first. This option has the most problems for it because it will most likely cause tension between you and your wife. Also, it aligns your daughter with you (at least that is how it will appear to your wife). You also need to consider your daughter's feelings about how she will react to the news. She probably already knows something isn't right but may not be sure. She may have some feelings of betrayal, anger or sadness. She may also feel resentment, especially towards your wife, because she was not told of this.

 

The main issue is going to be trust. Your wife is with someone else, so there is trust issues there. She lied to you and to your daughters about you being the father of your first child. And now whatever you choose to do with the DNA results you are caught causing conflict and trust issues as well. Your wife is probably going to fee you went behind her back to do the test. Not that it is your fault, it is just the nature of the situation.

 

I highly recommend that you all go as a family to counseling. You need a neutral person to help you sort this out and make sure everyone can air their feelings about this and resolve how they feel. You can ask your doctor for a referral or if you attend church, your pastor is a great person to either offer you therapy, or refer you out. The local community mental health center can help as well. This situation is complicated and needs to be worked out in some other manner than how it will if you do nothing and let it play out. It can cause years of tension and bad feelings that can affect the kids for a long time.

 

I hope this helped you,

Kate

Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5425
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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