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Carol Kryder LMFT
Carol Kryder LMFT, Mental Health Professional
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 808
Experience:  APA Board Certified, Diplomate,Substance Abuse Professional, 20 years family therapy experience
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I have a very close friend who is very depressed and has been

Customer Question

I have a very close friend who is very depressed and has been for a long time. He has somewhat of a self-destructive personality, i.e., hurting people close to him (emotionally not physically), pushing people away, making decisions that he knows are bad for him, etc. He has told me he feels lost and out of control. He has mentioned to me on several occasions he just wants it all to end, that he hates waking up in the morning. He has told me that the only thing that keeps him from doing anything is his little girl, but in the same breath saying, he is not good for her. He reminds me of someone who is bi-polar, but I have no idea. I say that because some days he seems great, happy and it could be within a few hours his mood changes, but it is usually the next day or so.

He asked me to help him last night and I sat and listed to him and begged him to talk to someone, but he does not have insurance and says he can't afford it. I have talked to him about this before (many times) but this is the first time he admitted he needs to talk to someone and needs help. He told me that he just starts crying for no reason, he knows he is hurting the people who love him, but he feels he has to push them away because he is not worth it. Now I'm really worried as during the conversation he spoke about playing Russian roulette, I don't know if this was literal statement or not, I asked several times but he shut down and changed the subject. He tells me all the time that he doesn't want to do this anymore, he wants it all to end, he doesn't want to wake up, but he's never mentioned anything like taking it that far before.

I really need some help and I am hoping you can give me some advice as to what I should do. I want to help him, and I have tried but he needs more than I can do for him. Can anyone please advise me what I can or should do. Is there is a place where he can get help, knowing his financial situation. He is currently unemployed his company closed their doors and he has not been able to find anything yet, we live in California and the job market is pretty bad. I know this added pressure is adding to everything.

I am desperate, I know he is crying out for help but I don't know what to do. I'm afraid that he is going to take this to the next level and I don't know how to stop him.

Thank you,
Lori
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Carol Kryder LMFT replied 3 years ago.

Carol Kryder LMFT :

Hello and Welcome to JustAnswer. Your question is not closed until you are satisfied. I am happy to assist you with your question.

Customer :

Hello. Do you have any suggestions as to what I should do about this situation?

Carol Kryder LMFT :

You can do a google search for low cost or free services in your city, but there may not be anything available, as funds have dried up almost everywhere. Your friend can also call the suicide hotline, which has trained people who will talk to him and it is free. Call(NNN) NNN-NNNN

Carol Kryder LMFT :

If he is too shy to talk to someone directly, there is an online chat service at this linnk:

Carol Kryder LMFT :

http://psychcentral.com/helpme.htm

Carol Kryder LMFT :

You can also google for local resources in your area. If he is abusing substances, you can refer him to Alcoholics Anonymous. Again a google search will find meetings in his area. AA also has online services.

Customer :

I don't think I would be able to get him to call a hotline, I will try the chat line. My problem is that he was willing to talk last night, but I don't know if he will be willing again. He turns himself off.

Carol Kryder LMFT :

I suggest that you do it with him. When you are with him, go to the online chat room and speak on his behalf, just as you have here. They will have suggestions for you and will give him support.

Carol Kryder LMFT :

If he is really bad and talking about hurting himself, call the police and tell them you have a suicidal person and they will take him to the hospital. There will be no charge because hospitals are required to stabilize anyone who is in danger of dying even if they cannot pay.

Carol Kryder LMFT :

The hospital can also make referrals to services for him.

Customer :

Is this something I should push, I don't want to push him away but I feel if I don't, I don't know what will happen.

Customer :

He is on unemployment, can he get any type of medical help through that agency or can they provide any type of assistance?

Carol Kryder LMFT :

I think it is OK to exert some gentle pressure. He is miserable and one of the symptoms of depression is the person doesn't want to accept any help, which makes it so hard to treat. If he continues to resist and assistance, don't hesitate to call the police. At least the hospital can evaluate him, and maybe he will take it seriously.

Carol Kryder LMFT :

Unemployment doesn't give that type of assistance. He may qualify for Medi-Cal, and the hospital can also assist him with that.

Customer :

Should I inform his family? I'm very close to them and he above anything doesn't want them to know how depressed he is because he feels he is a dissapointment to them. Plus there have been health issues with his Dad. Telling them may be bad for me as he may not want to talk or confide in me anymore. Do you have a suggestion?

Carol Kryder LMFT :

I would use that as leverage. Tell him if he doesn't do something, either phone or chat, you have no choice but to inform his family, then do it. When he feels better he will forgive you, and even if he doesn't could you live with the knowledge that you could have helped but didn't?

Customer :

No, thats why I'm here. I just don't know if telling them will do any good, as he may shut them out too. He shuts people out, wont talk, gets angry and will just disappear sometimes. His Mom has been trying to get him to talk to her for quite some time.

Customer :

This man is older, in his 40's and feels he failed his parents by messing his life up.

Carol Kryder LMFT :

Remember, he is not in his right mind. You or his family may need to intervene, even if he gets angry or objects. You are saving his life, and he wants to die. Of course he will be angry about that. If his parents are wise and offer him support and encouragement instead of anger and judgment, it will go better, but there really is no way to know what they will do.

Carol Kryder LMFT :

In any case, you must be ready and willing to call 911 and ask to have him evaluated at the hospital if he continues with this behavior. His life depends upon it. I also urge you to go to that link I sent you. It has some wonderful information and you will get a lot of support.

Carol Kryder LMFT :

Is he abusing drugs or alcohol?

Customer :

I know that they will offer love and encourgement. They are dissapointed in some of the choices he has made but they love him and will do anything for him. I do know that he knows that as he mentioned it last night he just thinks he has put them through to much as it is at this point. I've told him that he just doesn't want to hurt them anymore. He used to do drugs but he has told me he stopped. He has told me that was the main thing that messed up his life.

Customer :

Oh and he hardly ever drinks.

Customer :

I was told he stopped doing drugs almost 2 years ago.

Carol Kryder LMFT :

OK, my advice is the same. Tell him: either he checks with the hotline or the website or you will either 1/ tell his parents or 2/call 911. It is his choice. Tell you are doing this because you care about him, and you will do what you can to protect him even if he cuts you out of his life He is sick and his mind is not working logically. Please stop trying to be logical with him and by all means do not allow his anger to prevent you from saving his life.

Carol Kryder LMFT :

I need to go to an appointment now, and will check back in a couple of hours to see if you have further questions.

Customer :

Thank you for your time.

Carol Kryder LMFT, Mental Health Professional
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 808
Experience: APA Board Certified, Diplomate,Substance Abuse Professional, 20 years family therapy experience
Carol Kryder LMFT and 2 other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Expert:  Carol Kryder LMFT replied 3 years ago.
Glad to help.

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