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Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5246
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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My husband wears womens lingerie. He goes on Craigslist and finds other crossd

Resolved Question:

My husband wears women's lingerie. He goes on Craigslist and finds other crossdressers and visits them through his webcam. When I first found out I approached him on it and he says it is just a fantasy he is playing out and it will never go any further. He goes as far as setting up to meet them and according to him never shows up. I knew his e-mail password XXXXX would see the correspondence betwwen them but now he has changed it. I don't know how to feel. I feel so betrayed. I am a very open person - I don't mind porn, I don't mind the porn websites but this is too real - he can easily cross the line. I fell he is cheating on me through the internet but he does not feel the same. I don't know what to do - I love him so much - he is a great man - we laugh all the time - we talk about everything buy this. The two times I brought it up he says he is mortified and does not want to discuss it. He is my second marriage and my first husband wound up being gay. Is there something I
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 3 years ago.

Hi, I'd like to help you with your question.

 

It sounds like you and your husband have a great relationship and that you are willing to let him express himself as a person. Lots of relationships do very well when both people are so compatible.

 

However, although it sounds like you might be ok with the cross dressing, your husband has taken it a step further and involved other people. This may also include deception being that you feel he has lied to you about the intensity of the contact he has with others. Deception can undermine the trust in a marriage and since that is part of the foundation of a marriage, it can cause much damage.

 

Also, the differences in how you both view this contact with other cross dressers is where some of the conflict is as well. He views it as no threat to the marriage and you do. His refusal to see your side of the issue adds to the problem. When two people are married, they have to find a balance between being individuals and making adjustments for the feelings of the other person. Also, marriage is a vow between two people and that vow includes not involving others in the relationship. You are not being put first and that can cause marital problems.

 

If talking with your husband hasn't gotten you anywhere, I recommend counseling. He needs to understand to put you first and to eliminate contact with these other people. You can talk with your doctor for a referral or if you attend church, your pastor will be able to help. Also, your local community mental health center will know resources for you.

 

There is a book you may want to try called My Husband Wears My Clothes: Cross dressing from the Perspective of a Wife by Peggy J. Rudd. It may give you some insight into the issue and when behavior begins to cross the line.

 

I hope this has helped you,

Kate

Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5246
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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