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Your wife's happiness should not be at the expense of yours. It is wonderful to want her to be happy but it should not be at the cost of your happiness or security. In relationships, both people should be happy. You shouldn't sacrifice your own happiness or sense of security in a relationship to please someone even your mate. I am not here to judge anyone's sexual choices so this choice is between the two of you.
If you are totally comfortable and happy with this decision then do what you think is right. If it is sexually excited to participate in this arrangement then go ahead.
If you are just trying to please her, then I would have a discussion with her about
why this does not make you happy. There should be mutual respect and the consideration of the other person's awkwardness in allowing such behavior.
If you need information reply. If not press accept. I am psychlady
It's fine to want her to be as happy as possible. But that shouldn't take a sexual practice that makes you uncomfortable. If you feel anxious and concerned about your relationship, then your decision needs to conside these feelings. Make a decision that makes both of you happy. I don't know if love is strong enough to include a third person
First all comments about one's body can be so hurtful. That left you feeling insecure. You can share the fact that this bothered you with her and may find out that she didn't mean this. Either way it was probably inconsiderate. The other issue is that you shouldn't be so selfless that it makes you approve of something out of character for you. You should not feel bad after a decision.
I hope I can be helpful. I am psychlady. Please press accept if this was helpful.
I don't want to repeat what you have been told, but it needs to be accepted by you all if your wife wishes to have sex elsewhere. If you all agree that, due to your small penis size, you are all happy for your partner to have sex elsewhere, and that you can be happy within the relationship whilst this continues, then so be it. But if your relationship is getting out of control, if you are feeling unhappy and compromised, if your wife is preferring to be elsewhere than with you, if her behaviour is simply covering up her desire to be with someone else (whether she has another stable partner at the moment or not) then this is not working and should be re-thought. I believe that is what psychlady was trying to tell you and I agree with her.
However, I would add, that a healthy loving relationship is based upon so much more than sexual pleasure and if you were truly happy together, there is the belief that you would find a way for sex to work, regardless of your size. From what you have said, your wife's way of sorting this out does not seem to include you sexually and I would need to question that if I were in your position. Go back to when you got married - what did you sign up for, what were your expectations for your relationship?
I have a further point for you to consider and this is about you and only you, and the confidence and belief in yourself that you have. I notice you have even called yourself 'Customer' - is it possible that the cruel statement your wife made have taken over your perspective of life and how important other things are instead of/as well as sex? You are SO much more than the size of your penis, the whole of you is worth SO much more than the sum of your parts. I feel you would benefit from seeing a therapist who could help you to change your perspective of yourself, build up your confidence, feel worthy, enjoy the world. If this means the end of your marriage, then go do it, find that girl who will love you for exactly who you are, and who will boost your confidence concerning your penis when you feel low, not kick you when you are down. If your wife then wants to start communication with her 'new' husband, then so be it - let her see what she is missing out on. I am not saying that you are responsible for your wife's nasty comments, because you are not, but it does get boring when you live with someone who has a one-track mind, whether that obsession is the speed of their car, the figure at the bottom of their bank balance or the size of their penis. Life is too short!!!!!! Find yourself a hypnotherapist, an EMDR therapist (see www.EMDR.com) or a Thought Field Therapist, any of whom will help you to collapse these beliefs that are holding you back. It will take some effort - but it could so well be worth it. I hope this doesn't sound cold, life is for living. Best Wishes, Sarah
Sorry for delay. Thanks for more detail, it does make it sound like there are many positive parts to your relationship. I will try and answer some of your questions.
I think (with or without Freud), sexual tension can cause mood swings and thoughts can build in the mind about what is happening. These thoughts MAY be fundementally based upon distorted thinking - for example, "my husband cannot satisfy me, so I am entitled to gain sexual gratification elsewhere". Sometimes people pick up what are called 'schemas' - ways of looking at the world, which colours their perspective. You've heard of rose-tinted glasses where people always see the world as beautiful? Well, sometimes, (often through no fault of their own) people view the world in a certain way, for example, My needs should always be fulfilled, OR I deserve..... OR I am entitled to, etc. etc. and this can affect how the person lives because this is their belief, driving their world. BUT this belief may be so strong that it takes over - and can be sought after regardless of anyone else's pain or suffering. Does that make sense? I am wondering if your wife sees herself in this way somehow and only you and her will know that.
I'm sorry, I'm not sure that I buy all this sexual stuff that she is telling you - its not the toys she has to like - it's what you do to her with them she is supposed to enjoy - (that's not supposed to sound as obvious as it does) - and I suppose, yes, it makes me suspect her motive and I will explain why. Yes, there are emotional sexual needs, but she is putting her sexual needs above the importance of your general well being. A friend once said to me that she doesn't believe that compromise is always good - if you like life to be blue and your partner prefers it to be red, to always compromise and live a purple life suits neither. However, if you live a comfortable purple, with blue days and red days, then everyone is happy. And I agree with this - it's about accepting who you have married for who they are. But should your wife have her red days if it sends you into darkness? My advice would be 'no' because fundamentally she is not showing that she cares about your general welfare. You cannot expect someone to like your hobby, to sit and fish all day, to play golf, to bake cakes, etc. etc. but these (generally) do not cause grief to a partner. To have sex with someone else is outside the boundaries of a happy marriage if it isn't agreed and accepted by both partners. And I would say that even if it has been agreed, and then doesn't work because it causes distress, then the primary concern of the wife (in your case) is to think about the happiness of her husband, not her sexual needs, which could be fuelled by the underlying belief (as above) and in my opinion, is selfish (thinking only of oneself as opposed to the welfare of others).
My judgment on this may be wrong, but I would suggest that you are careful of what appears to make your relationship seem 'stronger' - you feel jealous, she returns - you (perhaps) feel grateful and happy that she has returned - that's NOT love - that's you being grateful that she has given you some time, but she is your WIFE, is she not supposed to give you her time? Which goes back to the marriage agreement in the very beginning.
Lastly, your interpretation of EMDR is correct - it is a controlled desensitisation until the emotion is released. Or you could try EFT - emotional freedom technique. This is very simple and you can do it yourself. Using your fingers on your right hand, tap on the side of your palm on your left hand, between the base of your little finger and your wrist and say to yourself 5 times, "Even though I have a small penis, I am a good man and I deserve commitment". Change over your hands (tap the edge of your right hand using your left fingers) and say 5 times, "even though I love my wife, I can stand up for myself". You may feel your body tingle - this is the release of the energy that is holding the negative beliefs inside. You can find lots more information and videos to help you at http://www.tapping.com/ I haven't given you this advice to cause arguments, it needs to be pondered carefully by yourself. I would imagine if you ask your wife about it directly, she would deny this, but to be fair to her, she may not even recognise what she is doing, due to distorted beliefs. Have a look at the rest of her life - does she always get what she wants at any price or cost to others? What is her reaction if she cannot get what she wants? How does she interact with parents, siblings? Has there been big fall outs and if so, why? I would suggest that you give yourself some time to think it all through and make some decisions for yourself, about yourself, before you discuss it with her. If you have found this answer valuable, please press accept. Happy to reply. With Best Wishes, Sarah
I have your question and I will reply later, I hope that is OK. Many thanks, Sarah
I am glad the EFT is working for you. Stay with it and you may be surprised how much it can help you to feel more free.
I am concerned that your wife feels the need to inform you that she is wet even before she leaves the house. What does she expect you to say to that? please do remember that the chemicals that are released during sex can be addictive, that is to say that they are pleasurable and short term, so there is a need to increase the frequency at which these experiences happen. The dangerous part about this is that slowly but surely, the pleasures become less pleasurable, and so the boundaries creep further and further from the original behaviour in order to get the same hit. You say you may be enjoying her experiences to some degree - there seems to be very little responsibility taking here. As for your wife responding as if she is in a trance, and being oblivious of anyone else if he happens to call for her - it sounds to me like an addiction is forming. I fear that the longer you leave this, the deeper and deeper she will become entrenched - so where will it end? Imagine she decides to stop seeing him - are you happy for her to return to you without recrimination? What if he decides he doesn't wish to see her anymore? Will you happily support her response: depression, mood swings, 'sexual tension' ? anger, disappointment, low self esteem? What when she wants to find someone else to fill the void, to satisfy her sexual needs? It is not my place to be judgemental, but I don't feel this is a healthy situation for any couple, let alone man and wife. Maybe you could find more information and support on a sexual addiction website, such as http://addictions.about.com/od/sexaddiction/a/sexaddiction.htm Read the definition and slowly and see how well it fits to your situation. There are many sites and groups who recognise this and could offer support to you, or you and your wife, he she can bring her self to see what she is doing. I wish you well, I would like to think you can make the decisions that are right for you so you can feel genuine happiness, whatever they may be. Please feel free to accept if this information is valuable to you. Best Wishes, Sarah
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