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Sarah
Sarah, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 143
Experience:  Chart'd Psych, 12 yrs exp. English prisons, Clinical Hypnotherapist, EMDR Therapist, BPS, HPC reg'd.
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i feel sick inside, i want my wifes happiness more den anything,

Customer Question

i feel sick inside, i want my wifes happiness more den anything, but is it wrong to let her have sex with another man?
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  psychlady replied 3 years ago.

Your wife's happiness should not be at the expense of yours. It is wonderful to want her to be happy but it should not be at the cost of your happiness or security. In relationships, both people should be happy. You shouldn't sacrifice your own happiness or sense of security in a relationship to please someone even your mate. I am not here to judge anyone's sexual choices so this choice is between the two of you.

If you are totally comfortable and happy with this decision then do what you think is right. If it is sexually excited to participate in this arrangement then go ahead.

If you are just trying to please her, then I would have a discussion with her about

why this does not make you happy. There should be mutual respect and the consideration of the other person's awkwardness in allowing such behavior.

 

 

 

If you need information reply. If not press accept. I am psychlady

Customer: replied 3 years ago.
When she is there, mind races & cant focus. Yes, when she comes home so fulfilled it makes me happy, even excited maybe competitive too, but very jelious anxious when there even tho our love is strong
Expert:  psychlady replied 3 years ago.

It's fine to want her to be as happy as possible. But that shouldn't take a sexual practice that makes you uncomfortable. If you feel anxious and concerned about your relationship, then your decision needs to conside these feelings. Make a decision that makes both of you happy. I don't know if love is strong enough to include a third person

Customer: replied 3 years ago.
sorry my phone sees this sites messages as texts & only allows 160 characters. I was also wonderin if this type of relationship works, if there is strong love & trust,(if u have experience with this)?
Expert:  psychlady replied 3 years ago.
A foundation for a successful relationship is built on love and trust. Without that there is no relationship. Build everything else from those things
Customer: replied 3 years ago.
u see i felt after 8yrs of her feeling somthin missing, but being selfless that it was my turn to be selfless. The catalest was being told I have micropenis when i had kidneystones. I asked her honest
Expert:  psychlady replied 3 years ago.

First all comments about one's body can be so hurtful. That left you feeling insecure. You can share the fact that this bothered you with her and may find out that she didn't mean this. Either way it was probably inconsiderate. The other issue is that you shouldn't be so selfless that it makes you approve of something out of character for you. You should not feel bad after a decision.

 

 

I hope I can be helpful. I am psychlady. Please press accept if this was helpful.

Customer: replied 3 years ago.
with me. this has made us more relaxed her tension & my anxiety. but i recently asked her to leave her cell on (i guess curious?) & now i cant stop thinkin how it sounded like she was FAR beyond
Expert:  psychlady replied 3 years ago.
Not sure what you mean by far beyond
Customer: replied 3 years ago.
any pleasure i can give her when with him. well she wasnt mean jus honest, even doc said i wasnt equiped to please a woman( im simialar to a 7-9yr old) but still hard to except. she does say
Customer: replied 3 years ago.
that our lovemaking is amazin wouldnt trade it, but that with him its so much more physically gratifing, we tried toys she locks up finds it unatural. says oral is intense, but no where near as deeply
Customer: replied 3 years ago.
gratifing, i can see her stress level has improved. actually our whole relationship has & actually was my idea. so how can i ruin this & deprive her? jus to pacify my ego? i would still kno i cant
Customer: replied 3 years ago.
satisfy her & she would suffer for it like she did silently for yrs. again sorry my phone is only givin me 160 characters at a clip... i jus don kno how to, accept my inattaquincy in this?
Customer: replied 3 years ago.
also i'm curious if u have seen cases where this arrangement worked? is this done occassionally & jus too sensitive to openly discuss with others? Am i being niave? thank u 4 ur patients
Expert:  psychlady replied 3 years ago.
This arrangement works when all parties are okay with it and stimulated by it. The difference is to not do it just to make her happy. It needs to be enjoyable for you both. There are couples who do this and called an open marriage where they choose this option and are excited by the experience. If that's your thing, there is nothing wrong with it. Everyone involved are adults. The frequency and the composition of partners is up to you. As long as your wife is into it. Don't push something she doesn't want to do. It will be tricky to figure out the specifics but it is up to you



Press submit if this has been helpful
Customer: replied 3 years ago.
Relist: Incomplete answer.
My concerns were anwsered by repeating the same obvious & simplistic. Seemed pleasant, but cold sorry, but that is my opinion...
Customer: replied 3 years ago.
Relist: Incomplete answer.
My concerns were anwsered by repeating the same obvious & simplistic. Seemed pleasant, but cold sorry, but that is my opinion...
Expert:  Sarah replied 3 years ago.

Hi there,

 

I don't want to repeat what you have been told, but it needs to be accepted by you all if your wife wishes to have sex elsewhere. If you all agree that, due to your small penis size, you are all happy for your partner to have sex elsewhere, and that you can be happy within the relationship whilst this continues, then so be it. But if your relationship is getting out of control, if you are feeling unhappy and compromised, if your wife is preferring to be elsewhere than with you, if her behaviour is simply covering up her desire to be with someone else (whether she has another stable partner at the moment or not) then this is not working and should be re-thought. I believe that is what psychlady was trying to tell you and I agree with her.

 

However, I would add, that a healthy loving relationship is based upon so much more than sexual pleasure and if you were truly happy together, there is the belief that you would find a way for sex to work, regardless of your size. From what you have said, your wife's way of sorting this out does not seem to include you sexually and I would need to question that if I were in your position. Go back to when you got married - what did you sign up for, what were your expectations for your relationship?

 

I have a further point for you to consider and this is about you and only you, and the confidence and belief in yourself that you have. I notice you have even called yourself 'Customer' - is it possible that the cruel statement your wife made have taken over your perspective of life and how important other things are instead of/as well as sex? You are SO much more than the size of your penis, the whole of you is worth SO much more than the sum of your parts. I feel you would benefit from seeing a therapist who could help you to change your perspective of yourself, build up your confidence, feel worthy, enjoy the world. If this means the end of your marriage, then go do it, find that girl who will love you for exactly who you are, and who will boost your confidence concerning your penis when you feel low, not kick you when you are down. If your wife then wants to start communication with her 'new' husband, then so be it - let her see what she is missing out on. I am not saying that you are responsible for your wife's nasty comments, because you are not, but it does get boring when you live with someone who has a one-track mind, whether that obsession is the speed of their car, the figure at the bottom of their bank balance or the size of their penis. Life is too short!!!!!! Find yourself a hypnotherapist, an EMDR therapist (see www.EMDR.com) or a Thought Field Therapist, any of whom will help you to collapse these beliefs that are holding you back. It will take some effort - but it could so well be worth it. I hope this doesn't sound cold, life is for living. Best Wishes, Sarah

Customer: replied 3 years ago.
Sarah, ty so much for ur response. I quickly viewed this morn, sorry I didn't have time to reply til now. Ur perspective did in some ways hit home,ty for ur empathy. phone is only givin 200 chacters..
Customer: replied 3 years ago.
so sorry for text sized posts. I do think i may need some kinda help, as i am very conflicted (i guess is the right verbage) happy she seems to have so much less stress & mood swings since this arange
Customer: replied 3 years ago.
(can sexual tension Freud's "hysteria" cause this?) jus somethin i read. anyway, i do also feel very excited when she returns, but am jelious while she is with him to the point where i cant concentrat
Customer: replied 3 years ago.
and yes i think i do sometimes let it depress me that i cant be a "man" for her in that way. I kno hypno can get u started rite path, but had friends use to stop smokin & later fail. so kinda curious,
Customer: replied 3 years ago.
about this EMDR? I hit link lot of info on effectiveness, but didnt see much on method, got the impression its like facing ur fear in small doses til u r desensitized? or am i reading it wrong?
Customer: replied 3 years ago.
if so how would i face this clinically? the only other thing is i think may have givin wrong idea, we do still make love (which is very emotionally satisfing to her), i brought this up after doc did,
Customer: replied 3 years ago.
she had suffered from frustration silently for years b4, so can i really be mad for her honesty (or do u mean i should wonder her motive?) our relationship actually seems stronger tho? n yes lastly we
Customer: replied 3 years ago.
have tried "toys" she rarely enjoys them, unnatural to her. She is very reassurin when i feel ashamed in bed, tells me her emotional & phys meed r very dif things. that i am wonderful, but that my
Customer: replied 3 years ago.
abundance of talent, but lack of equipment leave her frustrated, if no "deep" orgasim in awhile. Says oral tho great only makes her crave it more? is there dif kind of release with deep penitration?
Customer: replied 3 years ago.
anyway, jus so much built up an seemed like u really understood. If u r able to answer some my rambled questions i would be grateful. ty u again so much. ~Shane ps was actually rounding up on name :)
Expert:  Sarah replied 3 years ago.
Hi Shane, I have to go out now, have just picked up your answers (don't worry re disjointed texts) I will be able to get back to you later, hope that's OK. It's midday here in England now, I will speak soon, take car, Sarah
Customer: replied 3 years ago.
ty sarah, much thanks
Expert:  Sarah replied 3 years ago.

HI Shane,

 

Sorry for delay. Thanks for more detail, it does make it sound like there are many positive parts to your relationship. I will try and answer some of your questions.

 

I think (with or without Freud), sexual tension can cause mood swings and thoughts can build in the mind about what is happening. These thoughts MAY be fundementally based upon distorted thinking - for example, "my husband cannot satisfy me, so I am entitled to gain sexual gratification elsewhere". Sometimes people pick up what are called 'schemas' - ways of looking at the world, which colours their perspective. You've heard of rose-tinted glasses where people always see the world as beautiful? Well, sometimes, (often through no fault of their own) people view the world in a certain way, for example, My needs should always be fulfilled, OR I deserve..... OR I am entitled to, etc. etc. and this can affect how the person lives because this is their belief, driving their world. BUT this belief may be so strong that it takes over - and can be sought after regardless of anyone else's pain or suffering. Does that make sense? I am wondering if your wife sees herself in this way somehow and only you and her will know that.

 

I'm sorry, I'm not sure that I buy all this sexual stuff that she is telling you - its not the toys she has to like - it's what you do to her with them she is supposed to enjoy - (that's not supposed to sound as obvious as it does) - and I suppose, yes, it makes me suspect her motive and I will explain why. Yes, there are emotional sexual needs, but she is putting her sexual needs above the importance of your general well being. A friend once said to me that she doesn't believe that compromise is always good - if you like life to be blue and your partner prefers it to be red, to always compromise and live a purple life suits neither. However, if you live a comfortable purple, with blue days and red days, then everyone is happy. And I agree with this - it's about accepting who you have married for who they are. But should your wife have her red days if it sends you into darkness? My advice would be 'no' because fundamentally she is not showing that she cares about your general welfare. You cannot expect someone to like your hobby, to sit and fish all day, to play golf, to bake cakes, etc. etc. but these (generally) do not cause grief to a partner. To have sex with someone else is outside the boundaries of a happy marriage if it isn't agreed and accepted by both partners. And I would say that even if it has been agreed, and then doesn't work because it causes distress, then the primary concern of the wife (in your case) is to think about the happiness of her husband, not her sexual needs, which could be fuelled by the underlying belief (as above) and in my opinion, is selfish (thinking only of oneself as opposed to the welfare of others).

 

My judgment on this may be wrong, but I would suggest that you are careful of what appears to make your relationship seem 'stronger' - you feel jealous, she returns - you (perhaps) feel grateful and happy that she has returned - that's NOT love - that's you being grateful that she has given you some time, but she is your WIFE, is she not supposed to give you her time? Which goes back to the marriage agreement in the very beginning.

 

Lastly, your interpretation of EMDR is correct - it is a controlled desensitisation until the emotion is released. Or you could try EFT - emotional freedom technique. This is very simple and you can do it yourself. Using your fingers on your right hand, tap on the side of your palm on your left hand, between the base of your little finger and your wrist and say to yourself 5 times, "Even though I have a small penis, I am a good man and I deserve commitment". Change over your hands (tap the edge of your right hand using your left fingers) and say 5 times, "even though I love my wife, I can stand up for myself". You may feel your body tingle - this is the release of the energy that is holding the negative beliefs inside. You can find lots more information and videos to help you at http://www.tapping.com/ I haven't given you this advice to cause arguments, it needs to be pondered carefully by yourself. I would imagine if you ask your wife about it directly, she would deny this, but to be fair to her, she may not even recognise what she is doing, due to distorted beliefs. Have a look at the rest of her life - does she always get what she wants at any price or cost to others? What is her reaction if she cannot get what she wants? How does she interact with parents, siblings? Has there been big fall outs and if so, why? I would suggest that you give yourself some time to think it all through and make some decisions for yourself, about yourself, before you discuss it with her. If you have found this answer valuable, please press accept. Happy to reply. With Best Wishes, Sarah



Edited by Sarah on 1/21/2011 at 10:06 AM EST
Sarah, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 143
Experience: Chart'd Psych, 12 yrs exp. English prisons, Clinical Hypnotherapist, EMDR Therapist, BPS, HPC reg'd.
Sarah and 2 other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 3 years ago.
U make some good points to ponder, tho was kinda creepy that jus as i was readin/ picturin the exercise u suggest i started to feel slight tingle back of head to center of shoulders, then u say in
Customer: replied 3 years ago.
in next line u say that may happen, grin. Fortunatly, wife is not materialistic or demanding, but yea at times she may act the princess part if she knows its sumting i may let slide. She can be very
Customer: replied 3 years ago.
But is at times a bit oblivious, ie drop plans if he free, & not even realize as if tranced. Im sure jus 4 sex, she is wet b4 she even leaves. Honestly, it does excite me to a point, idea of it & even
Customer: replied 3 years ago.
the humiliation? I really don understand it? maybe, a defense mechinisium? 1st noticed this when her mom compared to a toddler, maybe i do need prof help. ty 4 ur patients & insight. maybe again soon?
Expert:  Sarah replied 3 years ago.

Hi there,

 

I have your question and I will reply later, I hope that is OK. Many thanks, Sarah

Expert:  Sarah replied 3 years ago.

Hello again,

 

I am glad the EFT is working for you. Stay with it and you may be surprised how much it can help you to feel more free.

 

I am concerned that your wife feels the need to inform you that she is wet even before she leaves the house. What does she expect you to say to that? please do remember that the chemicals that are released during sex can be addictive, that is to say that they are pleasurable and short term, so there is a need to increase the frequency at which these experiences happen. The dangerous part about this is that slowly but surely, the pleasures become less pleasurable, and so the boundaries creep further and further from the original behaviour in order to get the same hit. You say you may be enjoying her experiences to some degree - there seems to be very little responsibility taking here. As for your wife responding as if she is in a trance, and being oblivious of anyone else if he happens to call for her - it sounds to me like an addiction is forming. I fear that the longer you leave this, the deeper and deeper she will become entrenched - so where will it end? Imagine she decides to stop seeing him - are you happy for her to return to you without recrimination? What if he decides he doesn't wish to see her anymore? Will you happily support her response: depression, mood swings, 'sexual tension' ? anger, disappointment, low self esteem? What when she wants to find someone else to fill the void, to satisfy her sexual needs? It is not my place to be judgemental, but I don't feel this is a healthy situation for any couple, let alone man and wife. Maybe you could find more information and support on a sexual addiction website, such as http://addictions.about.com/od/sexaddiction/a/sexaddiction.htm Read the definition and slowly and see how well it fits to your situation. There are many sites and groups who recognise this and could offer support to you, or you and your wife, he she can bring her self to see what she is doing. I wish you well, I would like to think you can make the decisions that are right for you so you can feel genuine happiness, whatever they may be. Please feel free to accept if this information is valuable to you. Best Wishes, Sarah

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