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Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5470
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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MY HUSBAND AND I LIVE APART FOR FINANCIAL REASONS. HE BEGAN

Resolved Question:

MY HUSBAND AND I LIVE APART FOR FINANCIAL REASONS. HE BEGAN AN AFFAIR LAST SUMMER. I DISCOVERED IT DURING THANKSGIVING AND HE BROKE IT OFF. BY CHECKING PHONE RECORDS THERE HAS BEEN NO FURTHER CONTACT. WE HAD A WONDERFUL HEALING 3 WKS TOGETHER AT XMAS. HE WENT BACK THIS WEEK AND ALL THE OLD INSECURITIES ARE ERODING WHAT WE REBUILT. I'VE TOLD HIM HE NEEDS TO WORK HARDER AT WINNING ME BACK BY VERBALLY TELLING ME HE CARES. HE DOES BUT I FEEL LIKE A LEAKY BOAT, FILLING UP WITH FEAR AND DOUBT. WE CAN'T SELL THE HOUSE OR HAVE MONEY TO MOVE. WE'RE HOPING TO BE TOGETHER MORE THAN ONCE A MONTH. I JUST SAW HE'D TALKED WITH HER FOR OVER AN HOUR ON OUR 26TH WEDDING ANNIVERSARY. HOW DO I GET OVER ALL OF IT? I DO LOVE HIM SO MUCH AND HAVE FORGIVEN HIM, BUT THE ONGOING DETAILS KILL ME. I'VE REVITALIZED OUR SEX LIFE AND HE'S HAPPY ABOUT THAT. I'M TRYING HARD TO BE WHAT HE SAID WAS MISSING. I ASKED HIM TO WORK ON HIS COMMUNICATION SKILLS. I TOLD HIM HE SHOULD HAVE COME TO ME IFI HE WAS FEELING UNAPPRECIATED AND BORED SEXUALLY. HE AGREED HE MADE A TERRIBLE MISTAKE AND IS VERY GRATEFUL I FORGAVE HIM. I STILL FEEL HALF EMPTY. HE HAD A DRINKING PROBLEM IN THE PAST BUT FOR 3 YEARS HAS BEEN COMPLETELY SOBER. HE FEELS THIS WON'T HAPPEN AGAIN SINCE WE'VE RECONNECTED. I'M HAVING THE ISSUES OF FEELING SOMEWHAT EMPTY. THANKS CH
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 3 years ago.

Hi, I'd like to help you with your question.

 

I am sorry you are in this situation with your marriage. It is hard when trust becomes an issue and rebuilding a marriage takes a lot of work.

 

It sounds like your husband is having trouble breaking off the affair. This is not a good way to help you rebuild trust in your marriage. He needs to hold his end of the relationship and be trustworthy before trust can be rebuilt. That is why you feel your efforts are not making any headway. It is also why you feel full of fear and doubt.

 

I would highly recommend the two of you seek out couples counseling. He needs to break the relationship off and begin working on your marriage. Until then, nothing is going to work. Talk with him about finding a counselor then make an appointment. You can find a counselor through your family doctor, the local community mental health center, or if you attend church, the pastor is often trained in marital issues or they know good resources for referral.

 

Meanwhile, you can help yourself by spending some time away from the stress of the marriage issues. Go out with friends, pamper yourself or browse a bookstore. Anything to help you get your mind off the problems and stress. This also helps you gain new perspective and may help you come at this problem with better insight.

 

Some books that may help you are Should I Stay Or Go? : How Controlled Separation (CS) Can Save Your Marriage by Lee Raffel and Hope For the Separated: Wounded Marriages Can Be Healed (Chapman, Gary) by Gary Chapman. You can find them at Amazon.com or your local library may have copies for you.

 

I hope this has helped,

Kate

Customer: replied 3 years ago.
he has broken it off. she lived an hour from him and he works 15 hr day saw her only twice a month on weekends. he stayed with her. there has been no further phone/text contact. does this help you?
Customer: replied 3 years ago.
Kate does your answer need amending since he's not seen her since 11/13 or talked with her since 11/27.
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 3 years ago.

Ok, that does help. I still recommend that you both seek out counseling as a way to resolve the trust issues and work on rebuilding your marriage. You mentioned that he is not working as hard as you feel he needs to on the marriage and the counseling could help give him motivation to do so.

 

Kate

Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5470
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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