Ask a Psychiatrist and Get Answers to Mental Health Questions ASAP
Hi, I'd like to help you with your question.
It sounds as if you and your mother were both hurt by this argument. She is using her hurt as a way to control the situation and make you apologize so she will feel better. Although it would be ideal for you both to make amends together, she may not be willing to do so.
You have a few choices here. You can ignore her and move on. From what you said, this option doesn't sound like a workable one for you. It is also not the best idea if you care for your mother. However, it is an option.
Second, you can let her know you are willing to apologize but she needs to as well. Let her know you were hurt by the argument too, and that you feel both of you were at fault. She may not agree and continue with how she is acting, or she may give in. In that case, you both should meet on neutral ground, say for lunch, and talk it out. This way, it will be more difficult to argue again since you will be in a public place and also a neutral place, where neither of you have the advantage.
Third option is to apologize to her. Yes, it feels like acknowledging she is right and it is humbling to do so, but it may be necessary if you would like to continue to maintain your relationship with her. Sometimes you have to be the better person and give a small token for the benefit of the bigger picture. This way, she gets what she wants and you get your relationship back.
I hope this has helped you,
Ok, that is important information to know. It changes the answer I would give.
It definitely sounds like your mother uses manipulation and control to have her way. I understand your need to care for your mother. However, it is more about guilt than obligation. You are not obligated to care for someone if they have treated you like your mother has treated you.
You mentioned you are on medication. Have you tried therapy for this as well? It would be very beneficial for you to have someone to talk to about how you feel, especially in your effort to rebuild your self esteem. You can talk to your doctor about a referral or try your pastor if you attend church.
You can control your contact with your mother. If she wants to see your son, then she will have to be civil to you. You are not obligated to treat her as if you are making her more important than you. You are an adult now too, so you and your family also should be respected. She is not doing this, and that results in how you feel.
It is not disrespectful to expect to be treated civilly. There is no where that says you need to accept being abused, even in the Bible. You can love your mother, but not accept her behavior. Keep your distance. Help her if she asks, but do not give her more than that. Keep your conversation to a minimum and do not let yourself be provoked into arguments or responding to comments meant to hurt.
Your mother is an adult, but she is not acting like one. Yet she demands respect. This is an impossible situation for anyone. You can only do what you feel you can handle. Any more than this, and you will pay with your self esteem and distress.
Thank you! That helps so much! Yes I have recieved therapy. A lot of therapy. They all tell me not to let her use me as a conveinience(?)in her life and a de-stressing agent, yet I will think she has grown up and changed and fall right back into the same thing, always with this same result. If you can understand what I just said??
I wish I could save this answer and go back to it so that when I forget I can remind myself how you worded it. It seems I have a hard time remembering and I tend to like running into that same brick wall over and over. I should learn that it is not going to move before I crack my skull.
Again thank you. That is exactly what I needed to know.
You are so welcome! I am glad the answer helped. Your therapists were exactly on target. However, it is very easy to get pulled back in to what your mother is doing. We all want to be loved, especially by our mothers, with that perfect love that makes it all better. That is what makes it so attractive each time she backs down a little and you try again.
Just keep reminding yourself of what the therapists told you. I think you can also copy our conversation onto Microsoft Word or a similar program on your computer and print it out. Maybe JA moderators can tell you how to do it. I'm sure they'd be willing to help you.