Hello, I have never spoken about the way I feel/am to anyone, so here goes... to my friends, peers and colleagues I appear as a happy sociable person, people tend to find me quite amusing, but my family know me as miserable and moody person and have often said they prefer not to be around me, which is hurtful but I can understand because I do come across as miserable looking and quiet. But the truth is I resent them because of the way they have made me feel growing up, dreams of having academic high achiever children (that they were) they have always applied high standards and pressure onto me and my siblings, problem being I struggled very much with subjects like science and math, but I excelled in creative subjects such as english and art throughout my childhood through to today I am constantly reminded that I will be always seen as a failure, and I am not likely to ever make a living and that they are embarrassed of me and would constantly compare me to other peoples children, wishing that I could be like them. As I got older I became and still am a very independent closed off person, which isn't intentional but I tend to use humour to brush off personal questions, turn my problems into jokes, things that I am hurt by and I also use humour as excuses for insignificant things like why my hairs a mess or why i'm overweight to avoid people pointing out and ridiculing me, as if to say they can't bully me on that because i've brought it up bullied myself with them included so it can be avoided... I have developed almost a different persona that I hide behind everyday until I'm alone or at home. While I was in school I was bullied for the way I looked continuously for about 3 years until it eventually stopped, it affected me badly and because of it I have no confidence or self esteem at all, which is affecting my everyday life, after the bullying
I told a family member who didn't believe it, and thought of it as a joke and have been further ridiculed by them. I felt embarrassed I told them and have been unable to ever tell people of the way I feel. Ultimately I have bottled up everything for so long its getting to the point that I can't continue living my life in this way, but its been so long I don't think I could tell anyone without expressing extreme anger, which has happened twice, once witnessed where I was taken and left outside to calm down I believe so that another family member wouldn't see. I don't know if I act this way because of neglect
? or have never experienced a loving family environment? But I don't know if I'm capable of ever loving anyone? as I tend to run away from any form of relationship if I feel people are getting too close.
I was brought up to never back chat so I have taken harsh criticism my entire life, and to deal with it I would try change myself almost to 'start again' to better myself this has made me become a perfectionist within my own work and has included consistent wardrobe changes, cutting all my hair off, I can't help to loathe myself I can't even bare to look at myself and am so full of anger when I do, I abuse my body as the only way of trying to relieve the pain I guess? I am just becoming more and more lost and its now got to the point where I don't know who I am or where i'm going or what i'm living for. I doubt myself and I don't know if i'm just feeling hard done by? or just being pathetic? as I know everyone has problems to an extent. But this pain won't go away, and everyday I wake up with embarrassment and feeling like a different person, and I don't know if I can go on much longer like this or how to make it better? should I consider counselling?...