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Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5401
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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My husband has just told me about a child he had with a woman he knew before he and I w

Resolved Question:

My husband has just told me about a child
he had with a woman he knew before he
and I were married.
He says he visited her
once when the child was about 8 years old and slept with this woman because "she
wanted me to."
After many years he has been contacted by this woman again and
asked to meet once again and meet the
daughter now grown-up. He did this without
telling about it until
now, 3 years later. He
never asked for proof
of paternity and now
expects me to treat this
as history because he
has not had sex with her or anyone else but me .
I do not believe him.
How can I find out if he
s telling the truth?
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 3 years ago.

Hi, I'd like to help you with your question.

 

From what you said, it sounds like your husband had a relationship with this woman, possibly had a child with her, then continued the relationship off and on, even while married to you.

 

There is no way to tell if he is being truthful at this point. You can ask him to get a paternity test, but if he is not willing and he is not paying child support, there is no real motivation except his willingness to do it for you, which he should for your marriage and the trust issues this has created.

 

His expectation that you treat this relationship as if he never cheated on you is unrealistic. There is no way for you to pretend the situation did not exist. He may chose to do this, but to ask you to do it as well says he is not dealing with the situation as he should be.

 

I highly recommend you both seek counseling together. You need the support, and you also need to talk this out with a neutral person so you can be sure that the topic is equal and fair. You also need to work on trust. If your husband is just informing you of this now and had a whole history with this person and possibly a child, you needed to know about it. Since you did not, this becomes a serious trust issue and trust is vital for a relationship to continue.

 

He also needs to reassure you that he will discontinue contact with this woman. Since the child is an adult, he no longer needs to have contact with the mother. He can develop a relationship with his daughter, but you must be included and he must acknowledge you as a priority in his life. Although that does not mean you get included in every contact he has with his daughter, you need to be informed of it and kept abreast of the relationship. This is also to help rebuild your trust with him.

 

I hope this has helped you,

Kate

 

 

Customer: replied 3 years ago.
another issue is whether or not to tell our adult children especially if the paternity test is positive.
He signed a legal document several years ago saying that our 3 children are his only children because
the child born out of wedlock had been raised by a step-father and he never expected to be contacted by
them so he doesn't want our children to know about it.

I feel that our children have a right to talk with their father about this but understand completely that this
is his problem and therefore he should not have to tell them if he doesn't want to.

He has an appt. with our lawyer to add a phrase to our will excluding this person and other possible
issues. However the emotional issues surrounding the possibility of the first child contacting our children
later seems as important if not more so than the legal questions.???
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 3 years ago.

I agree with you. When you husband had this child, he needed to take responsibility for him/her and also let you know about it. This also includes your children. They do have the right to speak with their father about the situation and chose whether or not they want contact with their half sibling.

 

It sounds as if your husband wants to control the situation and have everyone agree with him. However, even if you agreed to do what he wants, you would still have your feelings to deal with about the situation. He may be able to block out the child and distance himself from the situation, but he cannot expect others to do the same.

 

Again, it is also about the trust issue in your marriage. You are an equal partner and need equal say in how this works out. That is why I think counseling would be very effective.

 

Kate

Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5401
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 3 years ago.
I am not yet willing to do couples counseling as we have had much therapy over the years and he chose
to keep this secret, probably forever. My discovering prompted his confession, nothing else.

My first priority is to do what I can to find out if this is the only woman . From our past and what he has
recently said I suspect that is not the case.

What do you think are the chances of his really telling the truth at this late date. He is 75yo and healthy
as am I.
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 3 years ago.

Given that he has already been dishonest and is not facing what he did by admitting it, chances are probably not that good he will be honest in the future.

 

Kate

Customer: replied 3 years ago.
i 'm sorry but I don't understand your answer. He has admitted adultery with the OW many years ago and
thinks it's history but only after I called the phone number he'd been calling several times a month for
3 years. When I first asked about this he denied knowing whose number it was. After I called it and told
him, he then confessed the adultery plus the existence of the child.

He swears there has been only one incident with her since we've been married but also many years ago
admitted " an innocent flirtation" with a 2nd woman. Now of course I believe nothing he says in this
area and am sick with indecision about whether he's worth staying with even though he has begged me
to believe him and give him another chance.
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 3 years ago.

I think it would be advisable for you to seek counseling with him. That is the only way you are going to get the answer you are looking for. I can only give you an idea of what I think based on what you have told me. You need someone who can sit down with you, go over the history of this problem and get a detailed idea of where this problem stands now. The counselor also can evalutate your husband to see where he stands with this as well.

 

Kate

 

Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5401
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you

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