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Mina, Clinical Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 188
Experience:  Working as a Highly Specialist Clinical Psychologist in NHS. Experience in both children and adults
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Im 27, been in a relationship for 10 years. we have 2 kids

Resolved Question:

I'm 27, been in a relationship for 10 years. we have 2 kids together. I just feel like he doesn't love me anymore, we never talk. he's always working. what do u think should i stay or should i go. And he never buys me a present or a card for my birthday or holiday, and to me that just says he doesn't care. what do u think.
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Mina replied 5 years ago.
Hello and thank you for contacting us.

I am sorry to hear that you are having these difficulties in your relationship. I would understand the situation better if you could give me some more information. How long has your communication been broken for?Were things different and how long ago?Any particular reason why you think he has changed?how is he with his kids? have you ever discussed your thoughts about leaving and if yes what has been his reaction?have you ever discussed with him about the need to possibly see a professional about your relationship? Does he ever show signs of wanting to stay together?He must be communicating certain things to you. What do you think these things may be?

I understand that these are quite a few questions for you. However we would need to have a better understanding of the situation.

Hope this is ok

Looking forward to your responses

Customer: replied 5 years ago.
For Mina, Our communication has been broken ever since I got pregnant with my 2nd child, and that was about June 2009. Things were very different, he always wanted to be around me and spend time with me. we went out to eat and to the movies. But we haven't done that in oh my gosh, a very long time, too llong to remember. He is good with the kids when he is home but like with our 10 month old he doesn't mess with her too much, even when my first daughter was younger and i would be at work, only a few hours after they had woke up he would take her to my mom and dads and drop her off, so he could spend time with his friends and I would have to pick her up after I got off of work. Here lately I have tslked often about leaving and his reply would be "you can't live without me" and my response is "you need me more than I need you". I do everything around the house, if something needs repaired I do it. I cook, clean, do laundry, and take care of our 2 girls because his excuse is he is tired. And I do tell him he doesn't do anything for me. If one of his friends called and needed help and he only had a couple hours of sleep he would be right there. But if I would let him sleep and just ask to to watch the girls for 15 min. so I could clean something he tells me I can do it later, when they go to sleep. Or if I want him to move something he will say ok, but then he never does it. He would never want to go see someone professional to talk. He did tell me he loved me but he doesn't want to argue anymore and we don't argue a whole lot and I did tell him that with any relationship you are going to have your ups and downs, thats just life. He did cheat on me in 2007, with someoone I knew, we weren't qiute friends but if we seen one another out we spoke. we were even at the same bar one night after I graduated from nursing school, because we were celebrating and she and I were buying each other drinks and what pissed me off the most is they cheated like a week before my graduation and she still acted like everything was ok. But I am over it now. He says he doesn't have to buy me anything because he knows he already has me and I have told him more than once that if he had me I wouldn't be talking about leaving all the time. He just acts like he doesn't know me cause even when I'm feeling down he never says whats wrong, and that bothers me also. He used to do that or he used to suprise me. I used to be skinny and I don't know if that has anything to do with it or not, but even then I was self conscious. so I went from 130 to 200 but I'm losing the weight. But he constantly stares at other girls and when I bring it up, he will say I do not, and he doesn't try to hide it. It's like he is trying to break his neck to look at other girls and then lie right to my face.
Expert:  Mina replied 5 years ago.
Hello again,

I apologize for the delay in getting back to you but there is a significant time difference.

I read your post very carefully and what I can see from your description is that there are many issues in the relationship. One of the most evident is possibly that he does not take you seriously when you express your discomfort about things;He does not seem to take seriously your feelings and your intentions of leaving him. This may have to do with you as well and you need to think what may have contributed to this. For example, if someone says that is leaving when it is justifiable and this person never does, then the other person would continue to behave accordingly or with indifference as there are no implications from this behavior. Basically, your husband has been "tought" that he can behave the way he wants since you will not act on your intentions. To use more general terms is like "he takes you for granted". He has nothing to lose by continuing with this behavior. Most behaviors are tought and it would be good for you to start thinking how and when this behavior started developing and why. What happened then around the birth of your second child?Why did this bring this change in the relationship?How did this birth affect you and your husband?Did you feel that you needed to take all responsibilities?Did you feel that you needed to compensate for your husband's indifference? There are many interesting questions that you could ask yourself. The botXXXXX XXXXXne is that if you leave things as they are they will definitely not improve and you will continue to feel distressed. If your husband felt a real threat to the marriage from you, then he may want to review his thoughts about seeing a specialist. At the moment he feels "safe" that you will not "rock the boat". What would happen if this changed?
You will only see this if you took that path. However, you also need to think things through and carefully consider your next move. I would also advise you to seek counseling with a therapist/Psychologist as you would need support and to understand yourself a bit better before you made any decisions. You could definitely use professional help to guide you through this difficult journey, understand your needs and your behaviors.

I hope this helps

Please feel free to share any feedback on these thoughts.

I hope everything will work out well in the end

All the best

Mina and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you

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