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Ask Selah R, M.S. LPC Your Own Question

Selah R, M.S. LPC
Selah R, M.S. LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 582
Experience:  Licensed Professional Counselor; over 13+ yrs exp working with adults, teens, & families/couples.
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im 26 year old male. i am having trouble trying to find a

Resolved Question:

im 26 year old male. i am having trouble trying to find a way to talk to parents i have been on hormones over 2 years. basicly in transition to m2f. i am not sure how to tell them i want to change myself and not happy the way i am . mom has confronted me before about she knew i dressed that way and knew i go out sometimes like that. she sees all my stuff and cleans it with out any words just lays it on my bed so to speak.   not much is ever said on the issue a basic dont talk about it type . i am wanting to go full time and continue in the transition but the fear of coming home dressed differently i am not sure there reaction or what will happen.trying to figure how to go about it . and still the fear if i do come home will it go out of praportion scale or flip out or kick me out. not sure what to do or how to accomplish this i have tryed before to ask her but did not come out so easy in that 2 years ago i had moved off and sent her email and asked for a dress for bday but her words of not buying u that came out in email pretty clear all the things i have done to be and the way i think not sure if im right kind of setting the stage with the cloths and all the other things she knows i do perhaps i am over reacting and the reaction would not be as bad as i think . but to ask her bluntly is little hard and as i know she will not really answer in that way . perhaps can offer a different suggestion on how to go about this
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Selah R, M.S. LPC replied 3 years ago.

Selah R, M.S. LPC :

Thank you for trusting JustAnswer with your important question.

Selah R, M.S. LPC :

Since your mom seems to know, and is trying to avoid talking about it, your best opening to her might be in written form so she has time to think about what you say before she has to respond.

Selah R, M.S. LPC :

I'd reassure her that YOU are the same person, no matter what you wear or what you look like. But that for you to be happy and for you to want to live this life, you have made the hard choice to transition. And that you love her and want her support in this decision.

Customer :

in that i do beleive she is very aware of it , i have sent her email before saying like wanted this dress for bday. basicly trying to hint it in a way

Customer :

im not sure if shes just waiting to expect it or the fact im over reacting on the reaction or outcome

Customer :

if i do come home

Customer :

like this

Selah R, M.S. LPC :

I think many parents fear how society will treat you, or them, after the transition. I think it's important to reassure your family that you are doing this for you.... not to hurt them. And that not transitioning would be harder on you than anything society will throw at you after you transition...

Selah R, M.S. LPC :

She may be hoping it's a phase, that you'll grow out of it.

Customer :

i do konw as shes said before we do have a replutation to uphold so to speak so i see her point but its like there to old fashion

Selah R, M.S. LPC :

She may be really confused on how to feel about it if the "mother" part of her wants to love her son no matter what, but her religion or beliefs are fighting with that because she's been told that's "wrong" or "ill".

Customer :

to accept it , as her brother is gay so i think in some way she would undrsdtand

Selah R, M.S. LPC :

Do you think she needs reassurance that she didn't fail you or do something "wrong" that "made you this way?" Or other illogical shame and fears she's carrying about her role in this?

Customer :

the way im thinking is just basically come home like with a friend whcih i know she wont say anything during that time , but after she might

Selah R, M.S. LPC :

That's a positive, that she's accepted her brother's orientation. But it's still harder when it's your own child. And transition is a step beyond that many people can't wrap their heads around as easily as orientation.

Customer :

i dont think so ,, i mean she knows how i dress even confronted me first time about it saying she knows i go out dressed . plus all the cloths she sees or so to speak washes

Customer :

even she has known and said before about the pills i take

Selah R, M.S. LPC :

So you want to confront her while dressed female, to see her reaction? To say this is who I am?

Customer :

well not that but rather in a way get it out and over with as this has been a major issue in my road

Customer :

and not sure the reaction

Customer :

but in myeyes its the simplest way

Customer :

i could be wrong

Customer :

but all this is very frustrating issue

Selah R, M.S. LPC :

Is it an option to have someone she trusts (like maybe her brother?) be there to help talk to her after the shock?

Customer :

mentally tiring

Customer :

thats hard for that as they are in another city

Selah R, M.S. LPC :

Yes, it is draining to feel like you can't be authentic

Selah R, M.S. LPC :

Does her brother know your situation?

Customer :

yes i have talked to him several occasions. all he said is am i sure this is what i want

Selah R, M.S. LPC :

Can he offer to talk to her, or at least be available by phone in case she wants to talk to him after you have a face-to-face meeting?

Selah R, M.S. LPC :

How long has you wanted to transition?

Customer :

i have tryed to ask that he may have or may have not i am not 100% sure on it but i did ask his help a while aback

Customer :

its been many years

Customer :

only in the past 2 years or so have i been on hormones and going to doctor

Selah R, M.S. LPC :

Are you in counseling?

Customer :

i have already been threw it

Customer :

i have my papers for that

Selah R, M.S. LPC :

So having her come to an appointment isn't an option.

Selah R, M.S. LPC :

Then I think picking someone to be with you for the face-to-face meeting is a wise idea.

Customer :

no mam that was sevreral years ago i went threw counseling for the umm how to say mental aspect parts

Selah R, M.S. LPC :

It's up to you if you want to warn her in paper, to tell her "this is what I've decided and why, and this is what I want you to understand..." beforehand

Selah R, M.S. LPC :

Or if it's easier just to go straight for a face-to-face setting

Selah R, M.S. LPC :

Just make sure you have support for yourself

Selah R, M.S. LPC :

and a safe place to retreat if she kicks you out or you feel like you need a few days away from the home to let things settle down

Customer :

well i thought to do it with a friend with me she supports me so i thought to basicly come home , ,, our family runs on the fact of dont talk about it kinda thing , not sure if u understand that part

Selah R, M.S. LPC :

But for most people facing your situation, they have to face the family hurdle before they can really move forward with their transition in a healthy way, without the added burden and stress and depression this can have when you're having to hide/minimize it.

Customer :

yes mam thats the hurdle im at

Customer :

and seems its a big wall

Selah R, M.S. LPC :

Denial runs through the middle of the house

Selah R, M.S. LPC :

Are you emotionally, financially, socially prepared for worst case scenario.... that they kick you out because they can't accept this decision?

Customer :

iive always been strong in that area

Selah R, M.S. LPC :

If you've got your bases covered, and continuing in silence has reached the unhealthy point, then it sounds like this is your next step.

Customer :

to me i feel like in a way i have prepared her already threw the emails before and all the stuff thre out

Selah R, M.S. LPC :

True

Selah R, M.S. LPC :

Do you know what you want from her? Acceptance, or is her staying in quiet detached denial ok for now?

Customer :

i try to talk with friends but its hard to really explain the main parts which people dont understand those challenges and yes at times thinking about it i get very bad migrains

Selah R, M.S. LPC :

Or is there nothing you need from her, it's just a matter of getting this off your chest so it's out?

Customer :

yes mam

Customer :

its like the last hurdle to cross

Customer :

but the most difficult

Selah R, M.S. LPC :

The stress (and even added to the hormones) can increase your migraines.

Selah R, M.S. LPC :

For most people it's the hardest part of the transition process.

Customer :

i would have to agree

Customer :

if i may ask ur opinion

Selah R, M.S. LPC :

I think it's normal to feel stressed, and to be going back and forth between "It'll be ok" and "All heck will break loose!"

Selah R, M.S. LPC :

Sure

Customer :

alright ,, not sure wording this correctly but worth a shot ,, to come home and basically how to say confront the fear and hope for the best. as she does and has confronted me about she know i went out like that . or find another way to get my point across.of course i have writing a letter before to her only thing shes asked after , (are you gay) which i said no so ended that conversation. hope ur seeing where im going with this .

Customer :

hello

Selah R, M.S. LPC :

Sorry my screen went weird, I think I'm here

Customer :

is ok the net has been weird thig evening

Customer :

alright ,, not sure wording this correctly but worth a shot ,, to come home and basically how to say confront the fear and hope for the best. as she does and has confronted me about she know i went out like that . or find another way to get my point across.of course i have writing a letter before to her only thing shes asked after , (are you gay) which i said no so ended that conversation. hope ur seeing where im going with this .


Customer :

do u think she is already prepaired and kinda just waiting

Customer :

to see it

Selah R, M.S. LPC :

Probably as prepared as she's going to be...

Selah R, M.S. LPC :

I think you have to understand that you're doing this confrontation for your health

Selah R, M.S. LPC :

And that her reaction really is secondary in importance to you being able to move forward at this point.

Selah R, M.S. LPC :

Ground yourself in that, and you'll be less battered by whatever reaction she has... because that is her baggage and her journey to travel, not yours.

Customer :

yes mam i do think its efffecting me more than i think , i do have to take apsrine or som forth for headaches alot

Selah R, M.S. LPC :

If you think she's the type that she probably has questions (like how is this different than being gay? why do you want surgery/hormones? why isn't dressing up enough?) but that she's too old fashioned/reserved/afraid to ask them... then you might want to have those details ready for her.

Customer :

i think i have prepared myself for those parts

Selah R, M.S. LPC :

Then it sounds like you're as prepared as you're going to get too.

Customer :

when i was in california for a while i did tell her this is how i dress everday here

Customer :

so it was easyer to talk in emails

Customer :

but being back home has created this challenge

Selah R, M.S. LPC :

Then it's time. You've given her all the breadcrumbs to follow, heck even a billboard. Now just put all the pieces together in one package: Here I am, your son, dressed like the daughter I"m soon going to be in the world.

Customer :

its little funny how u put that

Customer :

in a great way i might add

Customer :

it does make me feel little more at ease

Selah R, M.S. LPC :

I know being prepared doesn't take away all the anxiety and stress. But hopefully the logical part of your can see that you've laid the foundation, you've gone through the mini-steps. And you've done it in a way that has respected her and yourself.

Customer :

i have talked to a previous person on here but there words of its just a crossdresser thing , but i felt he didint fully understand

Customer :

yes mam i have tried the little hints and so forth like asking for dress for bday and such, and being blunt in ways

Selah R, M.S. LPC :

And your mom has to move past the crossdressing part to realize it's not the clothes... it's who you feel like you are at the core of your being... the part of you that you can't afford to deny or ignore.

Customer :

i agree 100%

Selah R, M.S. LPC :

Is there anything else I can help you with?

Customer :

that will be all ,, i so appreciate ur time and understand . and help very helpful

Selah R, M.S. LPC :

It's been a pleasure. Best wishes on your journey!

Customer :

thank you

Selah R, M.S. LPC :

And congratulations for being you.

Selah R, M.S. LPC :

That's not easy in this world.

Customer :

thank you very much means alot

Selah R, M.S. LPC :

Good night

Selah R, M.S. LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 582
Experience: Licensed Professional Counselor; over 13+ yrs exp working with adults, teens, & families/couples.
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