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TherapistMarryAnn, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5763
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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Hi any help would be appreciated. 4 years ago I left my husband

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Hi any help would be appreciated. 4 years ago I left my husband of 13 years for a man I had been having an affair with for 8years. Things did not go as we had hoped. He eventually tried to reunited with his X whom he had left for me. The four of us were also very close friends. He has spent all but maybe the last 8months trying everything to win her back. I moved on and and have been in a relationship with a man for the last 2 1/2 years who had just separated from his wife when we met. We met on a dating website and he has struggled with a bit of an "online addiction" for most of our relationship which I suppose I have accepted since I have also maintained contact with X who I have always believed I was totally in love with and would do anything to be with. Note: X is white collar making a salary of approx $150,00.00. Current bf is wealthy making over $500,00.00 a year. This is a very condensed version of events. I have always maintained a separate residence out of state that my adult son resides in. My X and I have been seeing each other for the last several months and he has reconfirmed his love for me and wants me to be with him. I packed all my belongings and booked a flight for yesterday. Told my current bf I wasn't happy which he has been aware of months. But when it came to taking my boxes to be shipped and myself to the airport I couldn't do it. I ended up telling my current bf that I had been having the affair and my true plan.
I am at a complete loss today. I need to decide if I'm staying here going to the X running away from both of the to "find myself" or what the heck I'm suppose to do. They have both asked me to marry them in the last 24 hours but I cant even decide what to eat much less commit to marriage.
Where should I start to find the answers I need to have before I can make these life changing decisions? Should I try to find a therapist that could do a power session or something? Everyone is waiting for my decisions and I am beyond confused!!
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  TherapistMarryAnn replied 5 years ago.

Hi, I'd like to help you with your problem.


You are in a very difficult position. I agree with you, you need to decide what you want before you make a decision. Since you have had relationships with both men and understand what you felt with both, it is not a question of either man making you happy. It boils down to the question of what you want.


I would highly recommend you seek out therapy. This is a decision that you do not want to make lightly. But besides that, it is very important to find out what is driving your inability to feel settled in either relationship. It is easy to feel that obvious things in the relationships (such as money and occupation) would be important, however, they are not. What you feel when you are in these relationships, your background and view of how a relationship should be and any other life experiences you have had will affect your feelings about commitment and relationships and this is what you need to have resolved before you can decide what to do.


You pointed out that you are interested in finding an answer quickly. I can understand your urgency. However, I feel it is important that you take a step back and go slowly with this problem. The old adage that if it is worth it, it will wait is true. These gentlemen and their feelings for you will still be there after you resolve your feelings about the relationships. If they are not, then you will have your answer about whether or not they were worth the risk.


A couple of good books to get you started are Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay: A Step-by-Step Guide to Help You Decide Whether to Stay In or Get Out of Your Relationship by Mira Kirshenbaum and The Relationship Handbook by George S. Pransky. You can find these on or your local library might have them.


I hope this has helped you,




Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Is it possible for you to recommend a therapist in my area?
My zip is 11577 Long island NY
Expert:  TherapistMarryAnn replied 5 years ago.

Here are some around your area:


Dr. Phyllis Gildston, Ph.D
275 Middle Neck Road , Suite B-6
Great Neck, NY 11023
United States

Mobile Phone :
Work Phone :(NNN) NNN-NNNN


Dr. Karine Suskin, Psy.D XXXXX
Suite 205
Great Neck, NY 11021
United States

Mobile Phone :
Work Phone :(NNN) NNN-NNNN


Dr. Kristin D. Schaefer Schiumo, Ph.D
Manhasset, NY 11030
United States

Mobile Phone :
Work Phone :(NNN) NNN-NNNN


Maryann B. Schaefer, Ph.D. Dr.
Manhasset, NY 11030
United States

Mobile Phone :
Work Phone :(NNN) NNN-NNNN

Take care,


TherapistMarryAnn and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you

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