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TherapistMarryAnn, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5762
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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I had previously submitted relationship question 10/3/10.

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I had previously submitted relationship question 10/3/10. Simply put, I believe that a jealousy issue with my girlfriend is causing me much anxiety. I recognize the problem and am seeing a counselor for it. For the sake of brevity, my fiance and I have been together for four years and it is a good relationship. I do belive she loves and I am 16 yrs older than her. I have had in the past a cheating spouse whom I divorced. Four months ago, whilepaying our cell bill, I discovered about three texts and two phone calls one month from my fiancee to her coworker, a male around her age. I am aware they are friends, and I had at one time worked with both of them and considered him a friend. She did not tell me about the contact, and does not consider it a big deal. She told me that she loves me, and there is no threat to our relationship. I flipped out and threatened to leave and she was very upset with that. A month or so later, she lied to me about throwing a phone bill away because there were a couple of calls on it, that she told me there would be. She added that I got so upset that she panicked and threw it away and lied about doing so. Weve talked several times about it, but Im letting it hurt our relationship, I dont like her talking to this guy, and I dont know what his intentions or my fiancess are. Note that this guy has a child with his girlfriend but seems a little close with my fiancee. We talked and my fiancee says if they have to talk it is strictly about work and she lets me know. Note that they work third shift, sometimes just the two of them. Driving me nuts sometimes, dont want to ruin love relationship but feeling a lot of anxiety.

Hi, I'd like to help you with your problem.


This relationship between your fiancee and her co worker is interfering with your ability to trust. In a relationship, there has to be mutual trust for it to be a healthy relationship. There also needs to be honesty and openness. Your feelings about your financee's relationship are important and need addressed by your finacee.


The issue here is that your fiancee is having a relationship with her co worker outside of work. For one, the fact that she sees the relationship as not worth discussing with you is a problem. Between you both, there should be open communication about friends. You know who she sees, she knows the same about you. Saying so and so called me today or text me today is a common way to keep the lines of communication and trust open and fair. That is not to say that reporting every little conversation is necessary, but the honesty needs to be there.


Two, your fiancee is beginning to hide the contact she has with this co worker. If a friendship is just that, a friendship, it doesn't need to be hidden. She could be doing this because of your response to her talking with the co worker, but it is only going to create mistrust to deal with it this way.


Three, you yourself do not have a friendship or even acquaintance with this co worker. In a trusting relationship, it is normal for each partner to know and even be friendly with the other person's friends. The fact that this is a man who is friendly with your fiancee but shows no interest in you and your relationship with your fiancee is a problem. He is not respecting you or your relationship as part of your financee's life.


Also, your finacee needs to decide what is more important to her, her relationship with you or this co worker. She needs to stop communicating with him outside of work if she wants to maintain a trusting relationship with you.


If you can, see your counselor together with your fiancee. Boundaries and trust issues need to be worked out between you both before you continue with the relationship.


I hope this helped you,


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