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Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5425
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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my ex-boyfriend who is also an ex-marine keeps breaking into

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my ex-boyfriend who is also an ex-marine keeps breaking into my house.but he does not want a relationship,just wants sex. he recently told me he has thoughts constantly of ways to kill people and misses being in Iraq and torturing people. he says he really enjoyed doing this.He is a binge drinker and has beat up people at bars hurting them bad. he says he feels no emotion or remorse towards people he hurts but does show emotion towards me.he says that he goes to bars and uses a fake name pretending he is someone else and the person is left never knowing who he really is. I am very concerned after him telling me these things,but i am not scared that he will hurt me. what should I do? I feel like I need to tell someone or do something. I know i am the only one he has told these things to.he denies that maybe he needs different medication and says that he likes the way he thinks and doesnt want to change. i am very confused that he told me all this stuff if he doesn't even want help?
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 3 years ago.

Hi, I'd like to help you with your question.

 

It sounds like there are many issues here. One is your boyfriend's behavior from before the war and whether or not he may have had mental health issues then. Also, there is the questions of whether or not he is having trouble because of the war, possible Post Traumatic Stress or another issue. Then there is the relationship between the two of you.

 

The main concern in this whole situation is that you are allowing yourself to be exposed to your ex boyfriend's behavior problems, potentially making you a target if he chooses to act out towards you or loses his ability to control his behavior. You need to decide if you are willing to continue to allow yourself to be in this relationship and expose yourself to possible danger, or you can set boundaries and stop seeing him.

 

I highly recommend you seek out counseling to help you deal with this relationship and find answers you seek. A counselor is bound by ethics to keep anything you tell them confidential unless there is a direct threat of harm or there is child abuse involved. You can let the counselor know about the situation and they can help you find ways to deal with it.

 

Also, encourage your ex to see a counselor as well. It sounds like he has been to see someone if he is on medication, but if he can get into regular counseling with talk therapy, that is better. With a counselor, he could gain a better understanding of what his diagnosis is and receive the proper treatment. There are many more advances these days with treatment with so many veterans coming back from the war with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and other mental health issues.

 

Whatever you decide, it is important that you keep yourself safe and do what you need to do to take care of yourself.

 

I hope this has helped you,

Kate

Customer: replied 3 years ago.
he said that when he was a child his dad would get him drunk in the fifth grade.in adoloesense he abused drugs and alcohol daily.there were run ins with the law a few times.the fact that he doesnt want help is hard.i dont understand why he told me these things? does he want me to know who he really is or is he trying to scare me? i catch him lying all the time and no one close to him is aware of what he does to me.he doesnt show much emotion at all and says he is constantly bored with life.he gets extremely irritated if i say anything bout telling the psychiatrist what he is thinking. he says that if he told them his thoughts they would lock him up.
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 3 years ago.

There are several possibilities going on with your ex boyfriend. Though it is not easy to diagnose someone you have not seen, it seems from what you have written about his symptoms he could have a personality disorder, PTSD, or another depressive type disorder. If alcohol and drugs are still an issue, then he would also have a diagnosis related to that as well.

 

The reasons he is telling you about his behavior and no one else is unclear. It may be that he feels safe telling you this, or that he feels you will accept his behavior when others will not.

 

The important thing is that you seek help for yourself. The more you understand your role in this relationship and how it affects you, the more your ex's behavior will become clear. You cannot help him without helping yourself first. That is an important thing to remember. The reasons behind his behavior will be easier to understand as well once you understand your own.

 

Kate

Customer: replied 3 years ago.
are you saying that if i seek help to talk with someone maybe i will understand his illness and realize that he cannot be helped. ? My friends and family want me to file a restraining order but i am afraid it would make things worse for him knowing the one person he confided in is detaching herself from him. i also feel he will get more angry if i did this. I do not want to live like this but we were in a relationship for 4 years and its hard to see him like this. i dont want him to self destruct. I also know that it is not normal for me to let this continue. i am pretty sure i have issues to allow him to do these things.
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 3 years ago.

Yes, I think you need to work on your issues first, as a way to resolve your feelings about what he is going through and also to seek out why you feel strongly about resolving your ex's issues. Since your ex will not seek out help on his own, the chances of understanding why he is doing what he is doing is minimal. Until he is ready to seek help, his behavior probably will not change. So in order to resolve this or at least get answers of some sort, you will need to be the one to get counseling.

 

If you feel that your ex would become more dangerous with a restraining order against him, you may want to discuss this issue with a police officer and/or attorney to see what kinds of protection you can get in order to keep yourself safe. Your ex's behavior has put you in a bind. If you act against him, you feel he might hurt you. If you do not act against him, he has access to hurt you. Either way, he is in control. When something like this occurs, you need to seek outside help and support.

 

Kate

Customer: replied 3 years ago.
should i be scared by the things he has told me? using alias names and lying and breaking into my house and no remorse for hurting others and the consistent thoughts of ways to kill people .and enjoying memories of torturing people and telling me that he like the way he thinks and doesnt need help. i have been researching on the internet and it showed me he exhibits almost all but one symptom of anti-social personality disorder. do you think i might be on the right track? i know that he probably cant be helped but i just had to try and see if it was possible. the more I look into it,the more i believe that he possibly has this and I should just accept it and try to overcome the situation. I do believe i need therapy from my own issues of self love and him.
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 3 years ago.

Yes, I do think you might be on the right track. However, it is difficult to diagnose him without his willingness to be seen himself. And if you do find out what his diagnosis might be, even if you are correct, there is little you can do with the information.

 

Again, please consider getting yourself counseling and do what you need to do to protect yourself. Right now, you focus should be on yourself where you can do the most good. Focusing on your ex will not help resolve what is happening.

 

Kate

Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5425
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC and 3 other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you

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