Ask a Psychiatrist and Get Answers to Mental Health Questions ASAP
Hello and welcome,
Of course you have the right to decide who visits you and deserve to be treated with respect. Hollering is not an appropriate way of talking to someone so I can see why you are upset. I can also see things from your eldest son's perspective and as he was upset and became angry, affecting the way he communicated, I thought it may help to articulate that perspective for you to consider.
To me is seems that you are understandably very hurt by your other son's behaviour. Your elder son is not responsible for his brothers behaviour. You appear to believe that if he visits you when he visits his brother that this implies that he doesn't really want to see you, but is merely using you as a convenience. You know him and this may be correct, however it may also be that he wants to maintain a relationship with both of you and sees your current position as forcing him to choose between you.
It would be a great pity if the actions of your other son were to cost you the relationship with your older son too. Children are not always very considerate of their parents needs and there is no reason why you should not discuss things with him if you feel he is being unreasonable, however you may get further by talking about how his action makes you feel, rather than assuming that is what he intended. So for instance, you could explain that if he comes to stay but spends little time with you, it feels like he doesn't care and that is particularly hurtful in view of the fact that you are also excluded from a relationship with his brother - that what you would like would be to know when he is likely to have free time with you during his visit so that you can plan to do things with him.
I hope that he is prepared to listen, if you are able to communicate in such a way as to avoid accusations. If not, then you may need to decide if you are prepared to let him stay and see how it goes now that he is aware of the issue, or whether you would prefer to risk losing the relationship by making it clear you expect him to visit you and not his brother in the same visit.
I hope you are able to find some form of compromise with him.
All the best,