My son and daughter are back from employment in Europe and my son visited for two weeks at Christmas, later joined by my daughter in law (2 day visit) During that time my son visited his brother in a close city several times staying overnight twice and joining his brothers family for part of Christmas eve and Christmas Day. His brother whom he visited has refused to have a relationship with me and refuses to allow my grandchildren to see me. This has been the case for 5 1/2 years. He claims I insulted his wife and that is the reason. He based his decision of not to see me any more or not allow my grandchildren to see me on heresay from his wife. He is a heavy drinker who recently stopped drinking, or so I hear.
My oldest son is now in my home state where his wife will be working, so I anticipate more visits.
The problem: During the holiday season my oldest son was going back and forth between my house and his brother's house. As mentioned, I am never invited to visit or attend family functions or holidays. During the holidays I began to feel like I was just providing a place for my eldest son to stay overnight to facilitate visits with his brother. I can deal with those feelings and let them pass, in the short terms but I started thinking about future visits. Since my eldest son and daughter in law are not in the same state, I anticipate frequent visits to my home.
I thought it best to set up some kind of structure for visits and told my eldest son that I would like to talk to him at some point in the future about how his visits would work out. I told him that I did
not want to be just a place he would visit as a convenience for him to see his brother. That his brother does not talk to me or allow me to see my grandchildren, which in my mind in abusive and disrespectful to me. In short, I told my eldest son that I did not want to be a convenience and that is did not feel right to me to facilitate his visits to someone who is abusive and disrespectful to me.
My eldest son informed me , hollering in an angry outburst hat I "was trying to control his life" and that when he visits me he will go where he wants to go. He indicated he will visit whom he wants" and that I am "irrational" for suggesting that when he visits he should either stay with me or his brother. I suggested this so I did not have to feel as if I was supporting the abusive nature of his brother(refusing to see me, inviting me to family functions, refusing to let my grandchildren see me) I also suggested this because when my eldest son visits, I would like to work toward a good relationship and that is not possible if he is traveling back and forth to his brother's house. Also that I feel badly when I am not invited to be a part of the family for something that I apparently said 5 1/2 years ago to his wife.
I am talking about two adult men, one 39 and one 40 who in teenage years were in an adolecent treatment program, who are the children of my ex husband who had a drinking problem, who through a lot of struggles have satisfactory jobs but still seem to act like adolecents. My opinion of course.
I have now suggested to my son that we sit down and talk in a public place about how to find a solution to future visits that is agreeable and beneficial to everyone. And I have indicated a public place to curtail my eldest son's angry reaction and hollering. I also indicated to him that his behavior to me was disrespectful and I did not want to be hollered at.
Actually the behavior of both my sons is feeling familiar, like what was called "druggie" behavior in the program they were in. Also it feels like manipulation.
I do have control over my own house and who visits. I do not want to house a son who is visiting me out of convenience so he can see his brother who has disowned me because of something his wife told him I said 5 1/2 years ago. But I do not want to loose the relationship with this son but I may have to give up if he insists on visits on his terms.
Again, I have suggested we have a conversation about this in the future so we can reach some kind of agreement. However, I don't hold much hope for a good solution or one that is respectful of me.
Input would be helpful.