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Dr. Mark
Dr. Mark, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5028
Experience:  Dr. Mark is a PhD in psychology in private practice
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I am 43 years old & my partner is about to turn 40. We have

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I am 43 years old & my partner is about to turn 40. We have been together over 3 years. I work a professional, very stressful job as a banker, working long hours. He has not worked a steady job the whole time we've been together. I pay all the bills. He does absolutely nothing around the house, he doesn't even take the bins out. Occassionally he cooks or lights a fire. On top of my work I also have to do everything around the house, and now, frankly, I am completely exhausted and snappy. As a result of him wanting lots of dogs, I have moved away from my inner city home close to work and am living 80km away (a 1 hour minimum commute). He is constantly digging at me saying implying nothing I do is right...particularly when I am in a state of extreme exhaustation & yes, I am not nice to him....eg. I will say things like "it's my day off and I'm having to drive XX hours to get you to work". He says that I have problems as a person...everything is about me having "problems". Please help!!!!
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Dr. Mark replied 3 years ago.

Hi! I believe I can be of help with this issue.

First, let me say I can imagine how overwhelming this situation must be for you. I am going to answer you with what I sense you already know within yourself.

You have gotten involved with a "user", someone who uses people. Users tend to be very narcissistic, which means they see everything with themselves in the center: their needs, their feelings, their wants, etc. Why might you be attracted to a user?

It's not so unusual for users to be the most charming and attractive people, whether men or women, when they first meet someone they are interested in. Why are they like that at first if they are narcissistic?

Because at first there is a gain for THEMSELVES by being solicitous and nice and charming. Slowly as they get the person now in love, they don't need to be sweet and solicitous for their own ends, so they drop it. Is this conscious?

Usually not. Sometimes yes. In your case, it doesn't sound like it. It sounds more like the usual users who would be shocked if you told them they are selfish! They can't see it. So the truth is that you are not going to change him or reform him or teach him. You either are going to learn to live with this or you are going to move out and search for a normal relationship.

Yes, I have been very frank, open, and honest with you. Because I want you to reclaim yourself and make a life for yourself.

I wish you the very best!

Please remember to click the green accept button. Feel free to continue the discussion; my goal is to get you the best answers possible. Bonuses are always appreciated! If I can be of further help with any issue, just put "for Dr. Mark" in the front of your new question, and I'll be the one to answer it. All the best, XXXXX XXXXX

Dr. Mark, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5028
Experience: Dr. Mark is a PhD in psychology in private practice
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