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Howard, Mental Health Professional
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 181
Experience:  I have worked 6 years with adolescents with behavioral issues, especially addictions.
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Dear Dr... I am writing to inquire about some suggestions

Customer Question

Dear Dr...
I am writing to inquire about some suggestions for my situation. I am currently married but separated for over a year. I have a 18 month old son and a 2.5 yr old daughter. I also raised my stepdaughter for 4 years who is going to be 12. She still lives w/ my husband. I am almost positive that my husband suffers from Narcissictic Borderline Personality Disorder. Throughout the term of our marriage I have caught him doing very strange things. Binge drinking until he could not recognize who I was and would lash out on me w/ verbal abuse from nowhere. He is very controlling and possessive. I believe he suffers from sexual identity and addiction issues, but would rarely touch me. In the beginning he would apologize if he had done something bad to me and has abandoned me on many occassions. He is constantly accussing me of abusing him verbally and mentally/emotionally because he pushes me until I react. He is very passive aggressive toward me when I distance myself. He has committed many acts of dishonesty, betrayal, dishonor, no loyalty and is very despondent. He basically told me to draw up a settlement agreement when I told him we needed to separate when my son was just 3 mos old and daughter 18 mos. And he left me w/ my two children alone w/ no help or care in the world. I have seen grief and shame in his face on many occassions, but as time went on he would never submit an apology, accept accountability, or admit to wrong doing. Instead he cries abuse. He neglected me and ruined both pregnancies, was not attracted to me and rarely wanted to have intercourse w/ me. I caught him ordering womens lingirie for himself and he stole my underwear to masturbate w, and I have caught him ordering sex toys as well. He also has a porn addiction, I believe. He has admitted to me in the past that he masturbates up to 8 times per day and has issues w/ erectile dysfunction. And many many other things. He was raised in a very bizarre environment where his parents were into swinging/bi sexuality, porn parties, drugs, alcohol and they were wealthy. The mother was very detached and cold, left her three children and husband to move thousands of miles away to study buddhism and seemed to be very selfish in nature, unnurturing and cold. Her father also was an abusive alcoholic. My husbands older sister attempted suicide multiple times from as early as 11 yrs of age and finally succeeded at age 30. I also heard that she had been molested by the mothers brother and often wonder if my husband was to. There are many more things i can say, but he is a very intelligent man. An engineer by profession and brilliant. Very polished and charming. He can change his identity to any situation and thinks he is an expert in everything. But he is very impulsive. He has managed to destroy my credit, have tax liens against us on more than one occassion, seemingly robs peter to pay paul, visions of grandeur and his decisions always end up disastrous even when I have advised against. ive initiated counseling multiple times for us. he never followed thru
i have been in therapy for over a year w/ an amazing psychologist who has 30 plus yrs experience and he thinks my husband has severe NPD and possibly bipolar disorder and some other character flaws. I am ready to just give up on my marriage and sign the divorce papers, but I do still love him deeply and my stepdaughter longs for me. I am also highly concerned about the weekend visits from fri to sun w/ my little ones every other week. I have worked hard to gain my confidence back over the last year and fix my own issues from my childhood and upbringing (having a father who was an alcoholic and deadbeat) and a mother who is amazing and saintly, but suffers from bi polar disorder as well.(manic depression). I had observed similar behaviors btw my husband and mother. I too had some anger issues, emotional and violent outbursts under the influence of alcohol after he would do something devastating to me... but still not excusable on my behalf. My reactions have always come from intense pain and emotion but due to something totally undeserving. I am a care giver by nature and a selfless person. On a daily basis I do not engage in any substance abuse, I am not violent. I am very patient w/ my children and maternal. I will give until I can give no more, but I have my limits and when I reach them its overwhelming. But only w/ my husband. He does subtle passive aggressive things to me to push my buttons, hurt me and torment me. But I have worked through many of my own issues througout the years knowing i'm imperfect. but anytime I take accountability which is easy for me to do or apologize for my encourage him to do the same.. he takes this and uses it against me... and I seemingly enable his behavior. My therapis and priest me to leave and don't look back. but i'm not sure what to do..
can you give me some advice?
thanks tara
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Howard replied 5 years ago.

Howard :

Hi Tara, I am Howard. I am sorry to hear about your situation. It sounds as though your husband is badly in need of at least counseling and possibly some medications. Without some effort on his part, I don't see much changing. It sounds as though you are doing all of the right things and healing yourself, if you go back into that relationship without him getting help, there is a good chance you will lose all of the progress that you have made.