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Dr. Michael
Dr. Michael, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 2177
Experience:  Licensed Ph.D. Clinical Health Psychology with 30 years of experience in private practive and as a clinical psychology university professor.
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how do i get my fiance to fall back in love with me

Customer Question

how do i get my fiance to fall back in love with me?
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Dr. Michael replied 3 years ago.
Hello. I believe I can be of help to you with this issue.

I suspect this is a pretty serious turn of events----this woman is your fiance and you now know that she doesn't feel she really loves you anymore. Give me a bit of background about this situation---especially what you think you might have done to alienate her, or cause her enthusiasm for you to fade. Also, do you have any suspicions that she might have another relationship planned, or going on, besides the one she has with you?

Any drug/alcohol problems? Any history of infidelity on your part that she is aware of or suspects?

Edited by DoctorMichael on 1/2/2011 at 3:58 AM EST
Customer: replied 3 years ago.

we have been together for almost 5 years...moved in quick, had a bit of a rocky beginning...worked things out for a bit and then she got pregnant with our first child, who is three years old now (he has spinal muscular atrophy, type 2). things have always been stressful between us, but very passionate for each other and caring of each other. i think stress has weighed us both down. she recently gave birth 4 months ago to our second baby boy who is completely healthy.

 

what did i do? ....well, i was an immature 26 year old when she got pregnant, never really had myself together...buried myself and then both of us in credit card debt (which she had to pay off) wasnt too supportive during both her pregnancies for some reason....i realize now how much of a jacka$$ ive been and shes the best thing to ever happen to me...i dont want to lose her

 

she told me she's not in love with me, but loves me and wants a separation but doesnt want me to leave the house cuz i take care of the kids during the day and she needs help with them in middle of night....

 

she's never trusted me fully, always had suspicions i cheat(had some evidence)....i feel like she's emotionally checked out from me and possibly investing thoughts and plans to be with someone else....although she denies that completely several times

 

no drug/alcohol problems with either of us....

 

ive only recently figured out how much i want to be with her and have been the ideal mate in the last week...ive gotten no response yet, she insists it will take longer than that to see if anything changes...she said she wants to give it 3 months and see what happens...lemme know if you need more

Expert:  Dr. Michael replied 3 years ago.
I suspect that if she breaks up with you, it would be to move in or be with someone else. If a 'separation' occurs in three months, would you then be 'room mates'? Or would you literally leave at that point or would she leave?

This is not an unreasonable time line to decide if the relationship can improve. You probably are facing two battles: 1) the trust issue; she may not be fully disclosing to you her concerns about your overall faithfulness during the relationship; and 2) the manner in which you haven't really helped out as you might have, in a true 'partnership'. Of course you know that these are both key issues. You can do yourself some good by check with her every couple of weeks---have a short sit-down talk about anything she feels you can do to improve the relationship. She is probably of the mind that aside for her childcare needs, she can fully take care of herself financially if necessary and so, doesn't really 'need' the relationship. So you need to try to obtain some sincere feedback about what her expectancies were for an intimate relationship when she first met you, and then translate what you hear into new behavior. But it sounds like you get the message---that your actions need to permanently change, that your words really mean nothing, compared to your behavior. You can figure out what to do to help out as much as you can, be as thoughtful and considerate at you can be etc. Message here is , 'keep doing what you are doing' and get some ongoing feedback. Second, the trust issue simply takes a very long time to rebuild, if she has concerns. What you can do is be as utterly transparent as possible about all things e.g., no passwords, no separate cell phone accounts or billings, no onlline service contracts she doesn't know about, no expenditures she isn't aware of. Transparency in all areas----demonstrating openness, is one of the best things you can do to demonstrate, behaviorally, that you are trustworthy.

I hope this information is helpful to you. Let me know if I have overlooked any aspect of your original question. I realize this is a complicated 'mess' for your. Please be sure to hit the green Accept button at the bottom of the screen.
Dr. Michael, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 2177
Experience: Licensed Ph.D. Clinical Health Psychology with 30 years of experience in private practive and as a clinical psychology university professor.
Dr. Michael and 2 other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 3 years ago.

i will def take your advice and i hope its not too late....

 

1. what are the odds that she is into someone else?

 

2. how concerned should i be that, that is the case? i have given her several opportunities to reveal anything and she hasnt. she insists that she wouldnt do that to me. she tells me she doesnt even think about sex and if she went the rest of her life without sex that would be fine right now.

 

3. she doesn not initiate affection toward me and accepts it awkwardly.

Expert:  Dr. Michael replied 3 years ago.
It depends frankly, on how attractive she is physically and in terms of her personality, and how able she is to live without you and take care of herself. There is the 'downside' aspect of having a child with physical disabilities. Other men won't want to take on a ready-made family wherein a child has such a disability very readily. So having kids is a negative to other guys who are looking for a partner or wife, and having one of them suffering a disability is a further negative. So my suspicion would be that guys who might be interested in her would be mostly interested in a short-term relationship, nothing permanent in their mind.

I think you have to take her at her word that she isn't interested in anyone else---if the topic has sort of come up and she tells you she wouldn't do such a thing to you. This of course is a good sign, if true---she has a lot of integrity, which anyone wants in a partner or wife.

I have to say that it is a bad sign that she isn't sexually attracted to you, or acts a bit awkward when you show affection. If she was quite aggressive sexually for the early part of your relationship, then her sexual interest in you per se, has waned. This is a worse sign of course, than if she was never that interested in sex, rarely initiated What you need to do here of course, are lots of nonsexual things, such as foot rubs, back rubs, etc., with NO expectation of having the activity turn into sex. This sort of affection can help reignite sexual interest later on, if other aspects of the relationship improve. What do you think?

I'm going to be away from the computer for a time, so take your time responding.
Customer: replied 3 years ago.

i think you've been a big help in assuring me that i have a great partner and i hope that by doing all those things that over time, this will get better.

 

she is very attractive but she was never really too aggressive sexually, so im hoping thats a good sign as well.

 

thank you so much.

Expert:  Dr. Michael replied 3 years ago.
Best of luck with this. It is truly a case where actions will speak louder than words.

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