I think you are struggling to really think about things, to access your true, inner feelings and values, etc. This is a very good thing but as you know, it takes work and a great deal of patience. I think you are used to acting with less-than-adequate forethought and any sort of planning, any serious pause is difficult for you because of your impulsiveness. It does sound like you are beginning to develop what psychologists call better "executive functions". In part, this is the ability to simply STOP to think more deeply about what you are thinking and feeling, inhibit your impulsiveness to act, and consider consequences and possible outcomes before you act. This is clearly critical to mastering your ADHD. So impatience and inhibition of impulsiveness is I think, difficult for you. Your history has been one in which things needed to be decided upon and happen NOW. So, if you are new experiencing periods of contemplation and reflection, and are stopping to really think about things, you are clearly on the right track.
The other interesting thing you said that really strikes home to me is the idea that when things are going relatively smoothly, uneventfully and you feel more 'sane' than you have felt in a long time, you become anxious that this is 'too good to be true' and that the 'other shoe must drop'. This anxiety
does inform you that you expect problems, crises and difficult conflicts to come and go regularly. On some level, maybe this agitation in your life feels what 'normal' is to you; and without it, maybe you don't feel quite alive or challenged. you simply do not know how to stop and enjoy the absence relative disorder, chaos, problems etc., in your life. I think what is kind of exciting as I look at your life situation, is the fact that you are discovering many things about yourself that have been hidden away, or maybe you have been a bit afraid to look at For example, you haven't realized you can probably master your impulsiveness and lack of planning and have now had some glimpses that you can be more contemplative, thoughtful, planful, etc. What would you do with a less eventful, less stressful and more peaceful life situation? Would you not know what to do with yourself, or how to TRUST that you can have and deserve more peace, less chaos in your life? And also, you are discovering that your sexual orientation is more complex than you imagined it might be. Given all of the above, it is no wonder you are questioning
whether you are 'doing all you can do' to prevent the past for repeating itself. I think you are second-guessing yourself BECAUSE in making these discoveries about yourself, you have to be feeling just a bit of trepidation, awkwardness and uncertainty----probably feeling a real admixture of different feelings. Incidentally, I enjoy reading your posts and so no, I don't find that you ramble on too much. I'll pause here and let you respond and react.............