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Dr. Michael
Dr. Michael, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 2177
Experience:  Licensed Ph.D. Clinical Health Psychology with 30 years of experience in private practive and as a clinical psychology university professor.
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Ive asked for your help before and found you to be wonderful!Im

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Ive asked for your help before and found you to be wonderful!Im married and have been for three years,we both have been married before me once with two grown children now,him three times with one grown daughter.When we got married with both had our own checking accounts,insurance and obligations and we left it that way and split bills.About six months ago i felt my car insurance was high and starting checking with other companies and found yes i was paying to much but when i went to switch they wouldnt let me due to my husband having insurance with a differetnt copany.So i informed him of this and he said he would check with his insurance about adding me,never did so i really just forgot about about it and kept paying about seventy more dollors a month more than i should have.Then his 21year old married daughter told him she didnt have insurance on the car she was driving,and he added her to his policy,she told me about her daddy getting her insurance,it broke my heart because i felt at that point i didnt matter,i wasnt even a thought,i asked him about this he told me it was a emergency situation,and i told him it would have taken five minutes to ask about me,he said he didnt know money mattered to me which made no sense at all.He then said he didnt know how to balance being a dad and a husband.That if you screwed up raising your children nothing else in life mattered.None of this makes any sense to me.
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Dr. Michael replied 3 years ago.
Hello. I believe I can be of help to you with this issue.

I have a few questions I hope you can answer first, however. First, why exactly, wouldn't your insurance company allow you to switch. What does the fact that your husband has his auto insurance with a different company have anything to do with your insurance?

I think what you are upset about is that your husband agreed to look into adding you to his policy to save you money. He did not---he either overlooked it, forgot it, etc. However, when his daughter needed insurance, he immediately added her to his policy [and here is a question for you----did he pay her premium or is she paying it?]. So you feel he was being inconsiderate of you and felt that he was favoring his daughter over you because he was covering her insurance but wouldn't cover yours. Is that correct---that he is putting his daughter's needs above yours? You feel somewhat slighted and jealous of this (is that correct or incorrect?)

I will await your reaction to this post. Thanks.............
Customer: replied 3 years ago.
The insurance company said because of liability issues.He paid her premiums for a year shes living at home again and after a short marriage getting a divorce and is not working.I dont know what i feel,except hurt,and feel like he doesnt care and confused as to why he says the things he does,he says that ten years ago i would not have been a priority his daughter would have been!What does that have to do with now and when i asked him he said he was just giving me some history that he wasnt just a single parent but the only parent.My daughter is 20 and overseas and in college my son a sophmore in high school i am a parent and i have many other roles besides i am not one or the other.
Expert:  Dr. Michael replied 3 years ago.
Dear XXXXX:

I suspect your husband isn't being clear about his true loyalties and priorities. It is clear that while he married you, his daughter, not you, is his first priority, the primary relationship he values in his life. His marriage is probably important to him, but he really feels that if there is reason to choose between you and his daughter, he will always choose his daughter first. His kids are biologically, his "blood" and genetics. You are one of (4?) several women he has married. So in his mind, wives can come and go, but children are permanent and his actions toward his daughter----taking care of her, paying for her insurance etc., reflect these deeply held values. In your mind, you may feel that it is important to give equal value, time and energy to each of your roles i.e., parent and wife. However, your husband would probably say that his children have, and always will be put before you---his wife. You feel hurt that he doesn't put you 'first' or even 'co-equal' with his children, but if nothing else, you now know the truth. He will not change his values or attitude to please you in this matter. So you are faced with having to decide if it is o.k. for him to somewhat regularly, do things for his daughter he won't do for you, and put his daughter 'first' among all of his other relationships; or whether you don't want this kind of marriage (i.e. you want to be 'first' in the heart of your husband).

Whatever you decide, you'd be making a mistake if you ACTED in a way that seemed resentful of her.

I hope this information is helpful to you. Please let me know if I overlooked any aspect of your original question. I realize this situation is complicated and very hurtful to you. So let me know if I've missed any points you hoped I would cover in providing this response. Again, your husband has almost certainly acted in a way that is 100% consistent with his values regarding his priorities for his child versus his wife---and it has always been this way for him. Please hit the green Accept button at the bottom of this screen. Thanks.
Customer: replied 3 years ago.
Thanyou for making this so very clear,so even though she is a grown child her needs will always come before mine and this is considered a normal relationship that i should accept and stay in?Im not asking him to choose me or her just to be equal thats what hurt!So basically if i want a soul mate,someone to be there for me its not him because his daughter could need something
Expert:  Dr. Michael replied 3 years ago.
I would say, YES, in any later marriages, where kids from former relationships are involved, it is usually the case (and in fact, usually a good thing) for the parent to put the kids first, always. Part of this is borne out of the parent's sense of guilt over the divorce---the need to forever make up for the family break up. And, as you well know, your kids are always your kids, though spouses can come and go.

You may find it helpful to re construe a bit, what you want in terms of a spouse who is a soul mate. You can have a husband who puts his kids first, with your blessing, but who is utterly reliant on the marital relationship to keep functioning everyday, face stress, be a parent, "schlog" on at work when you are tired, deal with conflicts and problems. A couple can still be the source of energy and emotional support 100%, despite the fact that each of them will set the relationship aside for a time to help their kids out, be a mom or dad. So what I'm getting at is that being soul mates is NOT incongruent with putting your kids first, because the roles you fulfill in each area are so different. Also, as kids get older, they have less and less need for their parents to help them, be dependent on their parents, etc., as they have their own life, their own kids etc. So this childcare and support issue is in part, a life phase that will probably change over the years.

I hope this information is helpful to you. Let me know if I have overlooked any aspect of your original question. Please hit the green Accept button at the bottom of this screen. Thanks.
Dr. Michael, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 2177
Experience: Licensed Ph.D. Clinical Health Psychology with 30 years of experience in private practive and as a clinical psychology university professor.
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