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Hi! I believe I can be of help with this issue. First, let me say I can imagine how overwhelmingly frustrating this situation must be for you. I recently worked with a young man who was overcome with fear that he might injure himself or other people because when he said anything about anyone maybe he actually meant to injure them. So, for example, he was so scared that when he answered someone that his mother or father were fine, maybe he really meant that they should get sick with a disease. You see how immobilizing this could be.
And it sounds as if you are also immobilized by your "stray thoughts". With him we called them "strange thoughts". It helped him as we worked on things to be told that we ALL have strange thoughts or stray thoughts. But the rest of us just let them go the way of all strange thoughts: we don't take them seriously. The difference is that he and you take them seriously, so they not only become intense, they multiply. But I imagine when you look at his strange thoughts you can see how they don't actually reflect reality: he actually did say his parents were fine. He just kept having doubts that maybe in some strange way reality was different than what he was living. When it's someone else's strange thoughts, it's easier to see how they are just thoughts and not reality.
So I can't diagnose for you. There are a number of possibilities. But the major one is OCD, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. This is a thought compulsion. So for the next few days until you can take it up with your psychologist, I would like you to just remind yourself that these thoughts you have that you MIGHT be able to hurt others are "strange thoughts" or "stray thoughts" and that they don't reflect reality, just your taking so absolutely seriously what we all go through and not worry about.The only difference is that you are obsessing on the thought.
So I want you to keep telling yourself and reminding yourself of the above: everyone has stray strange thoughts. We just don't take them seriously and we move on and do what we need to and act normally.
I wish you the very best!
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